Random Rocky Shore
On a random rocky shore, Jaime is still trying to get to Brienne, talking about her early life as an asexual giantess. So contrary! He’s hitting/taunting on her in a weird way, when they come upon the corpses of three tavern girls swinging from a tree.
They were killed by Stark forces for “laying with lions” (Lannisters). Said Stark forces then appear to admire their handiwork and laugh at Brienne’s womanhood. She’s about to take off, when they recognize Jaime Lannister, despite his attempted peasant act. Brienne does what she does best and takes all three off while Jaime impotently stands aside. Hehehe. Brienne doesn’t give a shit that those were Stark men: she serves Lady Catelyn.
Last we saw Robb, he was boning his new buddy Taleesa. Now, they’re “in love”! Apparently, he plans to marry her (like an idiot) and has told his mom (like an idiot). Catelyn on love: “I know that seems important to you…” Ohh marriage in aristocracy. Catelyn explains (it’s a Fiddler on the Roof moment!) how she and Ned barely knew each other, but their love grew over time. This isn’t just an alliance thing, Robb! He promised to marry a Walder Frey daughter, and Frey is a dangerous man. Later, it’s secret midnight wedding time!
i hear this worked out really well for Romeo and Juliet!
Stannis is suuuuper grumpy about his loss at King’s Landing, and he blames Melisandre. After all, she promised his victory – she saw it in the flames. Showing his most emotion ever (I think of him as stony and Romney-esque), he grabs Melisandre by the neck and chokes her almost to death.
and not in a hot way.
A minute after releasing her, she’s already gotten him to dismiss the horrible loss and the brother-murdering. How? More prophecies about his future as king! And it sounds so fun too: Stannis will betray his family, his men, “everything he holds dear…” to be king. But “it will be worth it.” Kkkk! He also has a magical vision in the fire, but we don’t get to see what he sees.
Hmm, let’s check out someone else horrible! How about (one of) our favorite babykillers, Theon? (It’s so hard to choose!) He’s sitting, screwed, in Winterfell as huge Stark forces surround him. Good time to reminisce about being a captive and having no real family and such.
Learn a new tune, Theon.
The Maester counsels running away in the night and joining the Night’s Watch. (Ummmm… Theon + vow of celibacy?) Although Theon’s having a Conscience Moment about all the bad stuff he’s done, he can’t turn back now. Theon sucks, but this is kind of a moving scene. Theon marches down to give an inspiring war speech. Whoa, I didn’t know he had this is him. You know, they’ll be legendary and stuff. Just as he peaks… he gets clocked in the head by his first mate. You know, the same guy, who told him to do this plan. When the Maester attempts to intervene (aww! Theon love!) he gets stabbed in the belly.
Bran, Rickon, Osha and Hodor finally emerge from the crypt to find Winterfell completely burned and broken.
Who did this? Theon’s twenty men? Not the Stark guys surely? They find the dying Maester to where he had crawled in the godswood. OH MY GOD Rickon had a line!!! The Maester sends them north, to the wall; there’s too many enemies down south. After Bran and Rickon walk away, he has Osha kill him to put him out of his misery.
Oh, Daenerys? Is she still a character? Guess so! She’s heading to the House of the Undying to fetch her stolen dragons, accompanied by Jorah and I assume her very last Dothraki guard. All they ever do is die! The creepy, Labrynth-style tricks start almost immediately, as Daenerys somehow slips into the tower without Jorah or her guard being able to follow.
creepy labrynth: check; weird era-appropriate outfit: check..WAIT! where’s david bowie?