In which peen-based bad decisions come to roost. Again.
First of all, let me say this episode was a let down for me. The sex was about love, the shocking killings were fake, and nothing in particular happened. Although I usually love how the show bounces around checking on everyone, this episode felt slow, and the stand out scenes were (duh) the one’s with Tyrion. People have been whining about the sexposition, but I found the background stuff in this episode pretty boring without boobs or peen. I’d be happy even for Theon’s full frontal of last season at this point.
Second, I know my recaps have become all about the male genitalia. Just relax and enjoy it, and feel free to infer as you wish about my current sexual situation.
At the end of last week’s episode, Theon presented the burned corpses of Bran and Rickon to the horrified folk of Winterfell, and the Maester let out a weird sounding anguish-y cry. This episode also begins with some murder – but this time it’s just birdies, the ravens the castle used as message carriers. Wahhh birdies.
Now, we all know Theon conquered Winterfell and slaughtered his foster brothers and all that because of his feelings of impotence and displacement. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem his surprise invasion of Winterfell has particularly impressed the rest of the Greyjoys. Nasty as old man Greyjoy is, he’s about killing for gain – paying the iron price, not for no reason, or a pansy reason like honor. Theon’s older, smarter, tougher, better looking sister Yara rides in to bring down the hammer. Bran and Rickon were more valuable alive, and scary ironborn people don’t kill for dumb reasons like promise breaking. Also, Winterfell’s too far from the sea for the Greyjoys to hold. Yara’s home to once again bring baby Theon home the islands, before all of the banner men of the north don’t come cut his head off. Theon thought this would be his big glorious moment, but he’s made an ass of himself again. (Theon thinks it’s his big sis who’s making him look an ass, but we know better.)
The writers don’t make us wait to find out what happened to Bran and Rickon. We get a hint when Theon talks about paying off “the father”, and just a few seconds later and a few feet away, the Maester sees Shae sneaking through a door. Bran and Rickon are alive, and they’re hiding in the crypts below Winterfell, for those of you who couldn’t tell what that non-descript cave-y thing was.
flowers in the basement
It’s a good hiding place and strategy, but you would think they would have taken some food down there ahead of time, since Theon knows Shae escaped with the boys and is actively looking for her. If any of Theon’s men had been standing there instead of the Maester, the four hideaways would have been effed. I’m glad they’re alive, and hope it was more exciting for those of you who haven’t read the books.
beware the boner point 1: Theon followed his peen to Shae, and now things with the little lords are all effed up.
Beyond the Wall
Last time we saw Jon, he thought with his peen, first refusing to kill the spearwife Ygritte and then letting her take him prisoner. The wildlings are more organized than we were led to believe, as Ygritte leads Jon to the Lord of Bones, some creepy commander.
charmed, i’m sure
He wants to gut Jon immediately, since they already have a Crow prisoner – Qhorin. He was captured and the rest of the group taken out when they went after the missing Jon. (Again, why did the leave him alone?? It takes like five seconds to chop off a head!) Ygritte comes to Jon’s rescue by revealing his identity as Ned Stark’s bastard. Apparently, this may be of interest to Mance Rayder (former night’s watch crow, now king of the wildlings). Now Jon and Ygritte are even. Except, for you know, those other three guys who died because Jon is a pansy. Never follow the peen, I tell you!