Game of Thrones Recap: Beware the Bone(r)s

Recaps

By McWeanis | Monday, May 21, 2012 | 9:42 pm | 14 Comments
Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

In which peen-based bad decisions come to roost. Again.

First of all, let me say this episode was a let down for me. The sex was about love, the shocking killings were fake, and nothing in particular happened. Although I usually love how the show bounces around checking on everyone, this episode felt slow, and the stand out scenes were (duh) the one’s with Tyrion. People have been whining about the sexposition, but I found the background stuff in this episode pretty boring without boobs or peen. I’d be happy even for Theon’s full frontal of last season at this point.

Second, I know my recaps have become all about the male genitalia. Just relax and enjoy it, and feel free to infer as you wish about my current sexual situation.

Winterfell

At the end of last week’s episode, Theon presented the burned corpses of Bran and Rickon to the horrified folk of Winterfell, and the Maester let out a weird sounding anguish-y cry. This episode also begins with some murder – but this time it’s just birdies, the ravens the castle used as message carriers. Wahhh birdies.

Now, we all know Theon conquered Winterfell and slaughtered his foster brothers and all that because of his feelings of impotence and displacement. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem his surprise invasion of Winterfell has particularly impressed the rest of the Greyjoys. Nasty as old man Greyjoy is, he’s about killing for gain – paying the iron price, not for no reason, or a pansy reason like honor. Theon’s older, smarter, tougher, better looking sister Yara rides in to bring down the hammer. Bran and Rickon were more valuable alive, and scary ironborn people don’t kill for dumb reasons like promise breaking. Also, Winterfell’s too far from the sea for the Greyjoys to hold. Yara’s home to once again bring baby Theon home the islands, before all of the banner men of the north don’t come cut his head off. Theon thought this would be his big glorious moment, but he’s made an ass of himself again. (Theon thinks it’s his big sis who’s making him look an ass, but we know better.)

The writers don’t make us wait to find out what happened to Bran and Rickon. We get a hint when Theon talks about paying off “the father”, and just a few seconds later and a few feet away, the Maester sees Shae sneaking through a door. Bran and Rickon are alive, and they’re hiding in the crypts below Winterfell, for those of you who couldn’t tell what that non-descript cave-y thing was.

flowers in the basement

It’s a good hiding place and strategy, but you would think they would have taken some food down there ahead of time, since Theon knows Shae escaped with the boys and is actively looking for her. If any of Theon’s men had been standing there instead of the Maester, the four hideaways would have been effed. I’m glad they’re alive, and hope it was more exciting for those of you who haven’t read the books.

beware the boner point 1: Theon followed his peen to Shae, and now things with the little lords are all effed up.

Beyond the Wall

Last time we saw Jon, he thought with his peen, first refusing to kill the spearwife Ygritte and then letting her take him prisoner. The wildlings are more organized than we were led to believe, as Ygritte leads Jon to the Lord of Bones, some creepy commander.

charmed, i’m sure

He wants to gut Jon immediately, since they already have a Crow prisoner – Qhorin. He was captured and the rest of the group taken out when they went after the missing Jon. (Again, why did the leave him alone?? It takes like five seconds to chop off a head!) Ygritte comes to Jon’s rescue by revealing his identity as Ned Stark’s bastard. Apparently, this may be of interest to Mance Rayder (former night’s watch crow, now king of the wildlings). Now Jon and Ygritte are even. Except, for you know, those other three guys who died because Jon is a pansy. Never follow the peen, I tell you!

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Shae is Tyrion’s whore. Osha is the wildling who’s hiding the Stark boys.

  2. 2
    plockeness monster
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Great recap AND a Buffy reference?!?! Love you more, McWean!!!!

    Bran and Rickon’s death: I thought the writers did a good job of building the suspense on that. I am really disappointed at the lack of wolf time. The way they intertwine with the Stark children is such a great story line.

    I though Sam and the Brother were digging to make some type of shelter…

    Book talk. IMO, not a spoiler:

    I think the reason why the tv show diverted from the books, when it comes to the Robb/Catlyn/Bran/Rickard situation, is b/c it was pretty drawn out in the book. Robb isn’t even at camp when Cat learns of the boys “death.” Also, when Robb returns, I was under the impression he returns w/ Taleesa and her family. And he had bedded her while he was away. He did the honorable thing by marrying her (so thinks Cat). Cat is mad b/c he pissed of the Frey’s and Robb is mad when he finds out Cat lef Jamie go to get the girls back.

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Theon has no one to blame but himself for listening to Chris Finch. Didn’t he watch <i?The Office?

    Jaime was just taunting Brienne because he’s wee compared to her and it just triggers his inferiority/small dick complex.

    And a travel advisory: If you want to visit Qarth or King’s Landing, plan your trip to Dubrovnik, Croatia. They had to move locations of King’s Landing from Malta after last season and in the process found a “haunted” island off the coast to be Qarth. (Just plugging for the homeland.)

  4. 4
    Vincent
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Have to disagree about the Stannis monologue – thought it was brilliant in that perfect Stannis anti-charm way of his.

  5. 5
    Whedonite
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

    My username feels totally appropriate right now. <3, love, luv, that you referenced the Scooby Gang. I was totes picturing Giles while Tyrion was doing his research.

  6. 6
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I didn’t find this episode boring because it set so many things in motion: Arya on the run, Stannis’ attack on Kings Landing via ships and not on horseback, Robb putting lust before honor (Ned is rolling in his grave), Brienne and Jaime’s road trip(!), Halfhand suggesting that a spy in Mance’s camp would be useful to the Night’s Watch, and Sam finding the dragonglass/obsidian daggers.
    Granted most of this won’t come into play until next season, but the snowball is definitely rolling downhill..

    I read that for next week’s episode, the producers begged HBO for more money so we might actually get to see a battle rather than just the aftermath! Oh, and the episode was penned by George R.R. Martin himself…gangsta!

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Oh, to answer your question McWeanis, Sam and the boys were digging a poopin’ nook and complaining all the while.

  8. 8
    pageant mommy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 7:02 am

    yep, the boys were digging a latrine. One of them said something about when they signed up they thought they would be doing worse things and one of the others said what could be worse then being in the cold digging a latrine.
    Not word for word of course.

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Gossip alert!! Which of the actresses used to be a hardcore porn star? Which actress is almost six and a half feet tall? Which actor is the brother of Lily Allen?

    Which actor/actress looks better out of costume? (answer: not many) Pics and info below:

    http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/game-of-thrones-cast-characters.html

  10. 10
    finnegan
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    this season feels really rushed along. ygritte is from downton abbey along with ser jorah,( i did it…i’m gonna be a secretary !!!!!) and she is looking mighty fine in her wildling snow camo gear that they obviously bought at an army/navy surplus store.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    finnegan: Can those wilding snow camos be purchased at an army/navy surplus store? Genius!! I have worked in costume design on a few films and it’s very difficult for me to watch anything and not wonder how the costume came about. When I saw the wilding gear, I thought that the GOT costumer was a genius for designing such a cool pattern to blend into the landscape. I mean, that’s a ton of foresight, she would’ve had to design it AFTER the Iceland location was decided by the producers. Ok, sorry, my mind goes through all the production logistics way too often. But I am pleasntly surprised that this material was available (I mean, duh..war happens in the snow, too.) and it was such a resourceful find to use it and add it to the wilding gear. (Of course, the only cloaks they should wear during that period is animal skins, so that does screw up the storyline a bit..maybe it’s just a bit of dyed polar bear fur? lol)

  12. 12
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Has everyone seen this fantastic photo of Gwendoline Christie (Brienne) with Anna Friel? Yes, she’s more than a foot taller than Anna and yes she’s wearing heels, dammit. Not to mention, she looks really pretty.

  13. 13
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Hey, it would help to include the link:

    http://gasstation.tumblr.com/post/23919189312

  14. 14
    Jessi
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Damn, vallegirl, Brielle is hot!

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