Qhorin clearly has a plan for Jon; just after whispering conspiratorially in his ear about “doing what has to be done”, Qhorin yells at Jon for failing to kill Ygritte then pushes him down a snowy hill. He’s up to something, that crafty one.
beware the boner point 2: Jon let Ygritte live because of his peen, and now he’s captured and
Some other place beyond the Wall
Sam (Jon’s chubby friend) and some other Night’s Watch guys we haven’t seen awhile are inexplicably digging a big hole in the snow. Did anybody catch their motivation for this? Snow fort? A poopin’ nook? I missed it. Anyway, while digging, Sam finds an old stone carved by the First Men, along with an old Night’s Watch cloak containing some dragonglass (obsidian) weapons.
Let’s see some of the fuel for Stannis’ inferiority complex. He held Storm’s End with 500 men, and ate horses n cats n dogs, until Davos snuck in with some onions. Then Robert gave Storm’s End to Renly, who didn’t fight at all. Ned and Robert were heroes and Stannis was forgotten. Stannis promises to give the position of Hand of the King to Davos. Writers, this is what happens when you take the sex out of sexposition. Boredom. You can’t just offer up a tantalizing birth of a diarrhea monster then give me this shitty Stannis monologue.
Robb’s still flirting with Taleesa, the nurse lady from afar. He tries to describe his future gross Frey bride, but he doesn’t know her name, or what she’s look like… just that marrying her is worth a real good bridge. You know how men love surprises! Robb also does some more exposition on Ned being the noblest man ever.
i want to be just like him when i grow up. but with a head
Taleesa’s usual hippie peace diatribe is interrupted by a message: Jaime escaped in the night. Well, escaped isn’t the right word. More like Catelyn freed him… a la treason! Why? She wants Arya and Sansa to be freed. Not sure exactly why she trusted Jaime with this… he doesn’t seem the most trustworthy, seeing as he’s known as a backstabber and oath breaker. A quick note on the books, since this part seems to have been completely changed, and my friend Logan is really pissed about it: in the books, Catelyn frees Jaime because she is told that Bran and Rickon are dead. She’s like, fuck this, I would really live some of my children to be alive. I guess on the show she’s just sick of waiting or something, although it doesn’t seem to make much sense after her interactions with Jaime last week. It’s not like he convinced her of his honor.
Jaime does have Brienne to keep him in line, and tells her she’s “much uglier in the daylight.” What a pleasant trip this will be for our favorite giantess. Jaime tries to goad Brienne and provoke her into a fight, but of course men have been shittalking Brienne for life. She can take it. The two take off for a romantic canoe ride into the sunset/towards King’s Landing.
armor + canoe = best idea?
Bolton’s bastard is still on his way to Winterfell to save Bran and Rickon and take Theon’s head. Noone knows of their supposed deadness, and think Theon’s not stupid enough to kill them. (I would argue that he definitely is stupid enough, but missed his chance.)
Robb’s terribly shitty life (trapped sisters and brothers, traitorous mum) is mitigated by a late night visit from Taleesa. Not very proper, m’lady. So how did she go from a fancy miss to choppin’ off feet? She let her little brother drown. Accidentally, but still. A slave came along and did some CPR or somethin and saved him. And then she wanted to be a doctor and end slavery. K thankssss… Is this going somewhere? Oh, it’s going to Robb declaring his love. And now they’re doing it. Is this the first actual nice love sex we’ve seen on the show? You know, not rape, or paid for, or incest. Probably for that very reason, I find it boring.
that awkward moment when you realize you left your socks/leather knee high boots on