Game of Thrones Recap: Beware the Bone(r)s

Recaps

By McWeanis | Monday, May 21, 2012 | 9:42 pm | 14 Comments
Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

Qhorin clearly has a plan for Jon; just after whispering conspiratorially in his ear about “doing what has to be done”, Qhorin yells at Jon for failing to kill Ygritte then pushes him down a snowy hill. He’s up to something, that crafty one.

beware the boner point 2: Jon let Ygritte live because of his peen, and now he’s captured and

Some other place beyond the Wall

Sam (Jon’s chubby friend) and some other Night’s Watch guys we haven’t seen awhile are inexplicably digging a big hole in the snow. Did anybody catch their motivation for this? Snow fort? A poopin’ nook? I missed it. Anyway, while digging, Sam finds an old stone carved by the First Men, along with an old Night’s Watch cloak containing some dragonglass (obsidian) weapons.

Stannis’ Boat

Let’s see some of the fuel for Stannis’ inferiority complex. He held Storm’s End with 500 men, and ate horses n cats n dogs, until Davos snuck in with some onions. Then Robert gave Storm’s End to Renly, who didn’t fight at all. Ned and Robert were heroes and Stannis was forgotten. Stannis promises to give the position of Hand of the King to Davos. Writers, this is what happens when you take the sex out of sexposition. Boredom. You can’t just offer up a tantalizing birth of a diarrhea monster then give me this shitty Stannis monologue.

Robb’s Camp

Robb’s still flirting with Taleesa, the nurse lady from afar. He tries to describe his future gross Frey bride, but he doesn’t know her name, or what she’s look like… just that marrying her is worth a real good bridge. You know how men love surprises! Robb also does some more exposition on Ned being the noblest man ever.

i want to be just like him when i grow up. but with a head

Taleesa’s usual hippie peace diatribe is interrupted by a message: Jaime escaped in the night. Well, escaped isn’t the right word. More like Catelyn freed him… a la treason! Why? She wants Arya and Sansa to be freed. Not sure exactly why she trusted Jaime with this… he doesn’t seem the most trustworthy, seeing as he’s known as a backstabber and oath breaker. A quick note on the books, since this part seems to have been completely changed, and my friend Logan is really pissed about it: in the books, Catelyn frees Jaime because she is told that Bran and Rickon are dead. She’s like, fuck this, I would really live some of my children to be alive. I guess on the show she’s just sick of waiting or something, although it doesn’t seem to make much sense after her interactions with Jaime last week. It’s not like he convinced her of his honor.

Jaime does have Brienne to keep him in line, and tells her she’s “much uglier in the daylight.” What a pleasant trip this will be for our favorite giantess. Jaime tries to goad Brienne and provoke her into a fight, but of course men have been shittalking Brienne for life.  She can take it. The two take off for a romantic canoe ride into the sunset/towards King’s Landing.

armor + canoe = best idea?

Bolton’s bastard is still on his way to Winterfell to save Bran and Rickon and take Theon’s head. Noone knows of their supposed deadness, and think Theon’s not stupid enough to kill them. (I would argue that he definitely is stupid enough, but missed his chance.)

Robb’s terribly shitty life (trapped sisters and brothers, traitorous mum) is mitigated by a late night visit from Taleesa. Not very proper, m’lady. So how did she go from a fancy miss to choppin’ off feet? She let her little brother drown. Accidentally, but still. A slave came along and did some CPR or somethin and saved him. And then she wanted to be a doctor and end slavery. K thankssss… Is this going somewhere? Oh, it’s going to Robb declaring his love. And now they’re doing it. Is this the first actual nice love sex we’ve seen on the show? You know, not rape, or paid for, or incest. Probably for that very reason, I find it boring.

that awkward moment when you realize you left your socks/leather knee high boots on

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Shae is Tyrion’s whore. Osha is the wildling who’s hiding the Stark boys.

  2. 2
    plockeness monster
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Great recap AND a Buffy reference?!?! Love you more, McWean!!!!

    Bran and Rickon’s death: I thought the writers did a good job of building the suspense on that. I am really disappointed at the lack of wolf time. The way they intertwine with the Stark children is such a great story line.

    I though Sam and the Brother were digging to make some type of shelter…

    Book talk. IMO, not a spoiler:

    I think the reason why the tv show diverted from the books, when it comes to the Robb/Catlyn/Bran/Rickard situation, is b/c it was pretty drawn out in the book. Robb isn’t even at camp when Cat learns of the boys “death.” Also, when Robb returns, I was under the impression he returns w/ Taleesa and her family. And he had bedded her while he was away. He did the honorable thing by marrying her (so thinks Cat). Cat is mad b/c he pissed of the Frey’s and Robb is mad when he finds out Cat lef Jamie go to get the girls back.

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Theon has no one to blame but himself for listening to Chris Finch. Didn’t he watch <i?The Office?

    Jaime was just taunting Brienne because he’s wee compared to her and it just triggers his inferiority/small dick complex.

    And a travel advisory: If you want to visit Qarth or King’s Landing, plan your trip to Dubrovnik, Croatia. They had to move locations of King’s Landing from Malta after last season and in the process found a “haunted” island off the coast to be Qarth. (Just plugging for the homeland.)

  4. 4
    Vincent
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Have to disagree about the Stannis monologue – thought it was brilliant in that perfect Stannis anti-charm way of his.

  5. 5
    Whedonite
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

    My username feels totally appropriate right now. <3, love, luv, that you referenced the Scooby Gang. I was totes picturing Giles while Tyrion was doing his research.

  6. 6
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I didn’t find this episode boring because it set so many things in motion: Arya on the run, Stannis’ attack on Kings Landing via ships and not on horseback, Robb putting lust before honor (Ned is rolling in his grave), Brienne and Jaime’s road trip(!), Halfhand suggesting that a spy in Mance’s camp would be useful to the Night’s Watch, and Sam finding the dragonglass/obsidian daggers.
    Granted most of this won’t come into play until next season, but the snowball is definitely rolling downhill..

    I read that for next week’s episode, the producers begged HBO for more money so we might actually get to see a battle rather than just the aftermath! Oh, and the episode was penned by George R.R. Martin himself…gangsta!

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Oh, to answer your question McWeanis, Sam and the boys were digging a poopin’ nook and complaining all the while.

  8. 8
    pageant mommy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 7:02 am

    yep, the boys were digging a latrine. One of them said something about when they signed up they thought they would be doing worse things and one of the others said what could be worse then being in the cold digging a latrine.
    Not word for word of course.

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Gossip alert!! Which of the actresses used to be a hardcore porn star? Which actress is almost six and a half feet tall? Which actor is the brother of Lily Allen?

    Which actor/actress looks better out of costume? (answer: not many) Pics and info below:

    http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/game-of-thrones-cast-characters.html

  10. 10
    finnegan
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    this season feels really rushed along. ygritte is from downton abbey along with ser jorah,( i did it…i’m gonna be a secretary !!!!!) and she is looking mighty fine in her wildling snow camo gear that they obviously bought at an army/navy surplus store.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    finnegan: Can those wilding snow camos be purchased at an army/navy surplus store? Genius!! I have worked in costume design on a few films and it’s very difficult for me to watch anything and not wonder how the costume came about. When I saw the wilding gear, I thought that the GOT costumer was a genius for designing such a cool pattern to blend into the landscape. I mean, that’s a ton of foresight, she would’ve had to design it AFTER the Iceland location was decided by the producers. Ok, sorry, my mind goes through all the production logistics way too often. But I am pleasntly surprised that this material was available (I mean, duh..war happens in the snow, too.) and it was such a resourceful find to use it and add it to the wilding gear. (Of course, the only cloaks they should wear during that period is animal skins, so that does screw up the storyline a bit..maybe it’s just a bit of dyed polar bear fur? lol)

  12. 12
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Has everyone seen this fantastic photo of Gwendoline Christie (Brienne) with Anna Friel? Yes, she’s more than a foot taller than Anna and yes she’s wearing heels, dammit. Not to mention, she looks really pretty.

  13. 13
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Hey, it would help to include the link:

    http://gasstation.tumblr.com/post/23919189312

  14. 14
    Jessi
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Damn, vallegirl, Brielle is hot!

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