Game of Thrones Recap: Beware the Bone(r)s

Recaps

By McWeanis | Monday, May 21, 2012 | 9:42 pm | 14 Comments
Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

Like Catelyn’s sudden decision to release Jaime, I also find Robb’s decision to bone Taleesa a little too precipitous. Yes, I realize he’s a super horny, probably virginy dude being tempted by mid-90s Jennifer Love Hewitt with smaller boobs. But Robb’s always chosen the honorable path in the past, and is obsessed with being like his dad. He promised to wed a Frey, and now he’s following his peen down the dishonorable path. Another book-based gripe: in the novels, he fell into a lady’s arms (a different, less baller lady) because he was distraught over Bran and Rickon’s deaths. My dear friend Logan put it better than I can:
“It’s not just like LOL I DON’T WANT TO MARRY THE FREY GIRL. Of course he doesn’t want to marry her. But he’s all about like honor and duty. There’s literally no way he’d be like “yea eff I’m gonna get with this hottie” unless some major shit went down. Like his brothers dying.”
In other words, why did the writers decide not to have Catelyn and Robb find out yet? Is this going to serve some different purpose in the future? For now it just seems annoying to leave Catelyn and Robb’s reckless actions without a catalyst. /endplagiarizedrant

beware the boner point 3: Robb follows his peen to Taleesa, which his future wifey’s family will surely not be happy about if they find out.

Harrenhal

As always, Arya hovers around listening to Tywin’s battle strategems (is that a word?). Tywin is leaving to sneak up on Robb’s army in the night, and Arya has no way to warn him. Even worse, she’s being left under the command of the Mountain (scary abusive murderous older brother of the Hound.) Arya wants Jaqen H’gar, her man of three deaths to kill Tywin before he gets to Robb’s camp, but since that is unrealistic, she names him instead.

a man has gotten some very obvious highlights.

That’s right, Jaqen’s got to kill his own self. Since he obviously doesn’t want to do that, Arya blackmails him into promising to help her escape.

That night, Jaqen kills the guards and pins them to the wall so nobody notices; Arya, Gendry, and the fatty (actually complaining about his need for pie) saunter out the front gates.

beware the boner point 4: there’s no beware the peen here. follow those peens. straight to Jaqen or Gendry. whoever you find first.

King’s Landing

Tyrion’s trying to plan the defense of King’s Landing, scoobies-in-Sunnydale-library style. Bronn (commander of Night’s Watch, formerly a sellsword bought by Tyrion) is more about the real politik – the starvation, thieving, and betrayal that will happen when the city’s under siege. With this in mind, he seems to have taken to executing all “known thieves”, making less mouths to feed. Tyrion’s books don’t seem to be much help; nobody knows what to do to keep Stannis out. (Don’t they have wildfire? Is Tyrion not mentioning this because Varys doesn’t know? Doesn’t Varys know everything?) 

At a later dinner with Cersei (why do they keep hanging out when they hate each other so much???), she accuses Tyrion of trying to murder her children – by sending Myrcella to Dorne, and Joffrey into battle. Much as Tyrion tries to pull Cersei’s buttons and work behind her back, I don’t think he means any harm to her kids, even that shit Joffrey. Cersei’s talkin’ crazy. Remember that time Cersei said she wanted to find someone Tyrion loved, then take her away? Yea, it was in the ‘previously on’. Well, she thinks she’s found that person – “Tyrion’s whore.”She’s taken the whore captive, and promises to beat or kill her if Joffrey is harmed. Tyrion tries to play it cool, but Cersei sees through it. When Tyrion asks for proof that his whore his alive, the guards bring her in… and… umm… it’s not Shae.

doing it wrong

It’s the madame from Littlefinger’s brothel. Damn, that girl has been through a lot. I guess you have to get a little more specific when talking about “Tyrion’s whores.” I wonder if she took the fall on purpose, or if Tyrion set her up for it, or if Cersei is just an idiot. It may be true that Tyrion – and men in general – think with the “little worm” (aka peen), but he still seems to be doing better than Cersei.  Cersei’s very pleased with herself, and Tyrion plays along as though the madame is the right woman, and even sends back a threat of his own: “A day will come when you think you’re safe is happy, and the joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Shae is Tyrion’s whore. Osha is the wildling who’s hiding the Stark boys.

  2. 2
    plockeness monster
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Great recap AND a Buffy reference?!?! Love you more, McWean!!!!

    Bran and Rickon’s death: I thought the writers did a good job of building the suspense on that. I am really disappointed at the lack of wolf time. The way they intertwine with the Stark children is such a great story line.

    I though Sam and the Brother were digging to make some type of shelter…

    Book talk. IMO, not a spoiler:

    I think the reason why the tv show diverted from the books, when it comes to the Robb/Catlyn/Bran/Rickard situation, is b/c it was pretty drawn out in the book. Robb isn’t even at camp when Cat learns of the boys “death.” Also, when Robb returns, I was under the impression he returns w/ Taleesa and her family. And he had bedded her while he was away. He did the honorable thing by marrying her (so thinks Cat). Cat is mad b/c he pissed of the Frey’s and Robb is mad when he finds out Cat lef Jamie go to get the girls back.

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Theon has no one to blame but himself for listening to Chris Finch. Didn’t he watch <i?The Office?

    Jaime was just taunting Brienne because he’s wee compared to her and it just triggers his inferiority/small dick complex.

    And a travel advisory: If you want to visit Qarth or King’s Landing, plan your trip to Dubrovnik, Croatia. They had to move locations of King’s Landing from Malta after last season and in the process found a “haunted” island off the coast to be Qarth. (Just plugging for the homeland.)

  4. 4
    Vincent
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Have to disagree about the Stannis monologue – thought it was brilliant in that perfect Stannis anti-charm way of his.

  5. 5
    Whedonite
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

    My username feels totally appropriate right now. <3, love, luv, that you referenced the Scooby Gang. I was totes picturing Giles while Tyrion was doing his research.

  6. 6
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I didn’t find this episode boring because it set so many things in motion: Arya on the run, Stannis’ attack on Kings Landing via ships and not on horseback, Robb putting lust before honor (Ned is rolling in his grave), Brienne and Jaime’s road trip(!), Halfhand suggesting that a spy in Mance’s camp would be useful to the Night’s Watch, and Sam finding the dragonglass/obsidian daggers.
    Granted most of this won’t come into play until next season, but the snowball is definitely rolling downhill..

    I read that for next week’s episode, the producers begged HBO for more money so we might actually get to see a battle rather than just the aftermath! Oh, and the episode was penned by George R.R. Martin himself…gangsta!

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Oh, to answer your question McWeanis, Sam and the boys were digging a poopin’ nook and complaining all the while.

  8. 8
    pageant mommy
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 7:02 am

    yep, the boys were digging a latrine. One of them said something about when they signed up they thought they would be doing worse things and one of the others said what could be worse then being in the cold digging a latrine.
    Not word for word of course.

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Gossip alert!! Which of the actresses used to be a hardcore porn star? Which actress is almost six and a half feet tall? Which actor is the brother of Lily Allen?

    Which actor/actress looks better out of costume? (answer: not many) Pics and info below:

    http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/game-of-thrones-cast-characters.html

  10. 10
    finnegan
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    this season feels really rushed along. ygritte is from downton abbey along with ser jorah,( i did it…i’m gonna be a secretary !!!!!) and she is looking mighty fine in her wildling snow camo gear that they obviously bought at an army/navy surplus store.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    finnegan: Can those wilding snow camos be purchased at an army/navy surplus store? Genius!! I have worked in costume design on a few films and it’s very difficult for me to watch anything and not wonder how the costume came about. When I saw the wilding gear, I thought that the GOT costumer was a genius for designing such a cool pattern to blend into the landscape. I mean, that’s a ton of foresight, she would’ve had to design it AFTER the Iceland location was decided by the producers. Ok, sorry, my mind goes through all the production logistics way too often. But I am pleasntly surprised that this material was available (I mean, duh..war happens in the snow, too.) and it was such a resourceful find to use it and add it to the wilding gear. (Of course, the only cloaks they should wear during that period is animal skins, so that does screw up the storyline a bit..maybe it’s just a bit of dyed polar bear fur? lol)

  12. 12
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Has everyone seen this fantastic photo of Gwendoline Christie (Brienne) with Anna Friel? Yes, she’s more than a foot taller than Anna and yes she’s wearing heels, dammit. Not to mention, she looks really pretty.

  13. 13
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Hey, it would help to include the link:

    http://gasstation.tumblr.com/post/23919189312

  14. 14
    Jessi
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Damn, vallegirl, Brielle is hot!

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