Game of Thrones: Reign of Fire

Recaps

By McWeanis | Monday, May 28, 2012 | 11:20 pm | 13 Comments
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Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

In a jarring transition, she spies Shae across the room and introduces herself. Cersei immediately divines that Shae is not a noble and is not from around here, and demands to know how she rose to the position of lady’s maid. Yikes. Luckily, just as she begins, her cousin Lancel comes in to report on the battle. When she hears of the ground attack, Cersei orders Lancel to take Joffrey off the battlements and bring him inside.

  As Stannis’ little boats reach land, his men start to get owned with flaming arrows and rocks, and the Hound heads down to destroy those who make it through. The battle goes to the gates, where Hound chops a dude in half and Lancel holds his own until getting hit with an arrow.  The Hound is mowing people down.. until a man on fire comes towards him. He literally freezes in place. (In case you forgot, the nasty burn on his face came from some childhood roughhousing: his older brother, the Mountain, held his face in the fire.) The Hound would be dead except Bronn steps in to take out a few of Stannis’ men. He turns around and heads back towards King’s Landing.

He is followed by Stannis, who grabs a ladder and is the first one up on the walls of King’s Landing. Umm, I get that its good for morale and everything for the king to lead, but doesn’t that ruin everything if he dies? Perhaps more caution is in order?

 Tyrion and Joffrey try to send the Hound back out to fight, but he won’t go. He literally tells the king to fuck off and walks away. He better hope joffrey loses now, cause that was a death sentence.

“this is my caring face.”

Meanwhile, the battering ram has come out! I just love the phallocentrism! Lancel comes to take Joffrey inside. Despite his promises to give Stannis “a red smile”, Joffrey is clearly shitting himself in fear, and immediately leaves despite Tyrion’s obvious scorn. 

“mommy..i had an accident!”

Joffrey’s men are understandably ready to follow their king into hiding. Tyrion is forced to step in to the lead the initially reluctant army. (Why is a dwarf less inspiring than a thirteen year old boy?) Tyrion gives a Scalia-friendly speech about forgetting the kingdom and fighting for your house, your gold, your women. “Those are brave men out there. Let’s go kill them!” He also promises to take them to fight on a secret route that will result in the opposing army being “fucked in the ass.” I will just go ahead and assume that’s a bad thing in this case.

Lancel again reports to Cersei, telling them the men are losing faith because of Joffrey’s departure. He must have missed Tyrion stepping up to the plate, which I actually think would have been better leverage for Cersei. When Lancel tries to convince Cersei to send Joffrey back out, she punches him in the wound and storms out. Sansa takes control and calms the ladies, before Shae convinces her to make a run for it herself, back to her chambers – Stannis won’t hurt Sansa, since she’s a Stark, not a lannister, but Ser Ilyn will definitely chop of her head.

Sansa goes back to her room, thinking she’s alone and safe and clutching her doll before the Hound appears out of the dark and scares the shit out of her, as he is wont to do. He shares his brand new, fire-induced plans: he’s going to run away and head north, and he’ll take her with him to Winterfell. (Err, I guess nobody told them about the Theon situation.) His rationale is basically that Joffrey, Stannis, and every other man are all killers, but that she’s safe with him. Even though he’s a killer. I don’t really get it, but words are probably not the Hound’s strongest suit, and Sansa seems to get that he has a soft sport for the “little bird.”

Meanwhile, Tyrion’s maps are coming in handy. Rather than meeting Stannis’ soldiers at the gate, they sneak out through the tunnels and attack from behind. They take out the men at the gate in like five seconds and share like one second of victorious cheering, before Tyrion turns around and sees a whole new legion of Stannis’ guys running at them. His “Oh fuck me” is an appropriate response. Stannis himself is still up on the walls fighting by himself and cutting off the tops of people ‘s heads.

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    SexyPanda
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

    I read the book over the course of MONTHS last year and early this year, and I apparently skimmed a lot because I don’t recall a lot of what’s happening. That, and it’s all different! Anyway, you’re asking the same questions I was asking at the end.

    And of course the party I DID read closely and have been looking forward to all season, the House of the Undying, is in the finale. UGH!

    For the record, I would LOVE to watch Bronn and the Hound mudwrestle. Yums.

  2. 2
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I’m not one of you “book readers” so I’m not bothered by these details that are annoying you. I thoroughly enjoyed this episode and was totally involved in the fighting and glory of it all. If I’m not mistaken, Lord Tywin said he was sending the mass of his troops to confront Robb but he was going to King’s Landing.

    My feelings on the Lannisters is this, I only dislike the incestuous Queen and her brother. They are the two who are contemptible…and of course that inbred Joffrey, the little weasel. But I like Lord Tywin and , of course, Tyrion. Who should be sitting on the Iron Throne? Stannis was the best choice. Certainly not Dragon Mama!

    Oh well, one more episode and then we are done for another year…. and NO, I don’t have any interest in reading the books. I like things just the way they are.

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Not me, man! I STILL leave bags of flaming dog poo on Peter Jackson’s door step for having Orlando Blood “skateboard” down those stairs on top of an orc shield! Tolkien did NOT write that.

  4. 4
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    “Thank goodness we have this heroic trio to look after us.” HAHAHAHHAAA!!!

  5. 5
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Alternative opening credits…..hilarious!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25KABvPbq-U&feature=share

  6. 6
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    @sarcasatire – Did you look at any of the suggested videos? There’s one where Tyrion slaps Joffrey for 10 minutes. There are several videos where Tyrion just slaps Joffrey on a loop.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYNeT2nzEgA

    And SexyPanda, I’m with you on Bronn. The Hound? Not so much. Maybe Bronn can mud wrestle Jaime.

  7. 7
    sweetblondie
    Posted May 30, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I’m thinking Bronn, the Hound AND Jaime. Too much manly penis? I think not!

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 30, 2012 at 11:32 am

    @Vallegirl: Yes, it was hilarious! Granted I only watched until about 2 mins in, but Tyrion slapping Joffrey never gets old. Hopefully Tyrion lives to slap another day!

    I posted this on last weeks recap, a photo gallery of the main cast out of costume, along with tidbits of info, like who did lot of hardcore porn in Europe, which one is Lily Allen’s brother, and which girl is 6’4″…(the last one is easy…Brienne the Beauty. Who actually is a beauty.)

    http://www.vulture.com/2012/05/game-of-thrones-cast-characters.html

    Bronn is cocky and immoral enough to make for an interesting character, but I am constantly tickled by the fact that his real name is Jerome.

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 30, 2012 at 11:33 am

    *amoral*

  10. 10
    plockeness monster plockeness monster
    Posted May 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    The 10 minute Joff slapping vid is hilarious!!!

    I don’t like any of the Lannisters except for the 2 kids. Tyrion is a bad ass, but I still believe is a bad apple. Not incest twins bad, but he’s still got those Lannister genes.

    I have a feeling we won’t see any of the characters from this episode, in the next episode.

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    @plockness, One thing I’ve realized is you can’t play the Game of Thrones without being a villain. Sure, we see the Starks as the most sympathetic characters but only because they’re too young to have spent decades killing people. Even Robb’s battles appear mostly off-screen. But maybe if the show started with the Targaryens on the throne, and we saw Robert Baratheon and Ned Starks wage war against their king, and Jaime Lannister kill him, then we might not be so sympathetic to the Starks. Sure, King Aerys may have been mad but by all reports, Rhaegar was not. Yet he was also slain, along with his wife and children. Not the work of heroes..

    I’m starting to realize that everyone is jockeying for position and/or trying to maintain their current one. How they go about is different..actually it’s not. They will all cut down whoever stands in their way. Whether with wildfire, a smoke baby, knights on horseback, or dragons…there isn’t anyone in this show willing to go away quietly.

  12. 12
    someguy
    Posted May 31, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Great recap always a great read .Thanks for all your hard work on the recaps.Really adds a lot to the show to get different thoughts on the show and you always catch something I miss.
    Season 3 will be good. I hope HBO gives a treat for once and get them on air soon. Tywin was going to Kings landing to save the city after his brother told him that was the best thing to do.He left at night so Rob would not know and attack his home city Casterly rock

  13. 13
    Dtoast
    Posted June 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Rhaegar was slain along with his wife and kids but Ned Stark had shown his disgust for that move and also had stopped speaking to Robert for years for that very reason. Therefore still making Ned Stark an ‘honorable’ man

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