In a jarring transition, she spies Shae across the room and introduces herself. Cersei immediately divines that Shae is not a noble and is not from around here, and demands to know how she rose to the position of lady’s maid. Yikes. Luckily, just as she begins, her cousin Lancel comes in to report on the battle. When she hears of the ground attack, Cersei orders Lancel to take Joffrey off the battlements and bring him inside.
As Stannis’ little boats reach land, his men start to get owned with flaming arrows and rocks, and the Hound heads down to destroy those who make it through. The battle goes to the gates, where Hound chops a dude in half and Lancel holds his own until getting hit with an arrow. The Hound is mowing people down.. until a man on fire comes towards him. He literally freezes in place. (In case you forgot, the nasty burn on his face came from some childhood roughhousing: his older brother, the Mountain, held his face in the fire.) The Hound would be dead except Bronn steps in to take out a few of Stannis’ men. He turns around and heads back towards King’s Landing.
He is followed by Stannis, who grabs a ladder and is the first one up on the walls of King’s Landing. Umm, I get that its good for morale and everything for the king to lead, but doesn’t that ruin everything if he dies? Perhaps more caution is in order?
Tyrion and Joffrey try to send the Hound back out to fight, but he won’t go. He literally tells the king to fuck off and walks away. He better hope joffrey loses now, cause that was a death sentence.
“this is my caring face.”
Meanwhile, the battering ram has come out! I just love the phallocentrism! Lancel comes to take Joffrey inside. Despite his promises to give Stannis “a red smile”, Joffrey is clearly shitting himself in fear, and immediately leaves despite Tyrion’s obvious scorn.
“mommy..i had an accident!”
Joffrey’s men are understandably ready to follow their king into hiding. Tyrion is forced to step in to the lead the initially reluctant army. (Why is a dwarf less inspiring than a thirteen year old boy?) Tyrion gives a Scalia-friendly speech about forgetting the kingdom and fighting for your house, your gold, your women. “Those are brave men out there. Let’s go kill them!” He also promises to take them to fight on a secret route that will result in the opposing army being “fucked in the ass.” I will just go ahead and assume that’s a bad thing in this case.
Lancel again reports to Cersei, telling them the men are losing faith because of Joffrey’s departure. He must have missed Tyrion stepping up to the plate, which I actually think would have been better leverage for Cersei. When Lancel tries to convince Cersei to send Joffrey back out, she punches him in the wound and storms out. Sansa takes control and calms the ladies, before Shae convinces her to make a run for it herself, back to her chambers – Stannis won’t hurt Sansa, since she’s a Stark, not a lannister, but Ser Ilyn will definitely chop of her head.
Sansa goes back to her room, thinking she’s alone and safe and clutching her doll before the Hound appears out of the dark and scares the shit out of her, as he is wont to do. He shares his brand new, fire-induced plans: he’s going to run away and head north, and he’ll take her with him to Winterfell. (Err, I guess nobody told them about the Theon situation.) His rationale is basically that Joffrey, Stannis, and every other man are all killers, but that she’s safe with him. Even though he’s a killer. I don’t really get it, but words are probably not the Hound’s strongest suit, and Sansa seems to get that he has a soft sport for the “little bird.”
Meanwhile, Tyrion’s maps are coming in handy. Rather than meeting Stannis’ soldiers at the gate, they sneak out through the tunnels and attack from behind. They take out the men at the gate in like five seconds and share like one second of victorious cheering, before Tyrion turns around and sees a whole new legion of Stannis’ guys running at them. His “Oh fuck me” is an appropriate response. Stannis himself is still up on the walls fighting by himself and cutting off the tops of people ‘s heads.