Stephanie is a scientist living in Boston. She tells us that she’s not one of those model wannabes. I’m shocked, I tell you. When I saw her I thought “Uh oh, there’s the model wannabe.”
Mike is a bar mitzvah DJ. I absolutely love how specific his job is. He’s in his 40s, so he thinks he’s going to die soon. Unless you’re a total idiot or really unhealthy, you probably have another one of your lifetimes to live. Don’t throw in the towel so damn soon.
Alex claims to be charming. He’s 99 Alex Stein. I already wish he’d shut up. He’s hitting on all of the girls and Gene says his tool meter is starting to go off. It’s funny, because all of the girls seem so excited by the attention he’s giving them. They’re idiots and will regret their kindness towards him. I have a very low tolerance for dickheads. Jacob and Alex start to hit it off personality-wise and they’re already talking alliance, so they’re probably going to be in the bottom two together. Mark my words. I know my reality TV editing.
Everyone sits around after being greeted by the Holly/Hal voice. The Voice tells them that the viewers will be voting on things for them to do and for the person who will go home each week. The contestants will not be considered the “bottom two”, but will, instead, be in Limbo. Only one person returns from Limbo. Captain Obvious Holly (remember, she’s really smart, y’all) breaks it down for us – the longer you avoid Limbo, the longer you stick around. Whew! I’m glad she’s here to translate for us. Each team has a captain and the losing team captain will automatically be up for Limbo.
The first thing the viewers have voted on is how to group up the teams for the first challenge. Their choice was East versus West which confuses the shit out of Jacob. Oh, he’ll be around for a while. Mike is already done with this guy and I can’t blame him. Jacob is from Oregon. Unless you’re in Hawaii, you really can’t get more West than that. I bet time zones really confuse this guy.
The challenge will begin in one day. In the meantime, they get to see their rooms. But wait! Viewers have chosen who will stay in the Enemies Room and who will stay in the Friends Room. Our enemies are Holly and Robin. Holly being the youngest and Robin being the oldest gal. That was clever, viewers. The friends room are Tits McGee and Mormon.
Stephanie shows us how just how sharp she is by doing wizard math and figuring out that they’re two beds short with only 12 beds. I’m so glad they have smart people on this show.
I know you would automatically assume I’m a model, but I’m not. I’m a scientist.
Kevin likes to have fun despite being a cop, but Alex thinks that’s strange. I can see that this asshat has encountered a few cops in his day and has bought or name-dropped his way out of tickets. Because he’s from Dallas, that pisses me off even more because that means those tickets he’s gotten out of have come around and landed in my broke-ass lap.
They hear their Hal chime and know there’s another vote. It’s thrilling, I tell you. The vote was to have a pool party over a pajama jammy jam. Holly has Alex pick out her bikini, which is really annoying. All the girls have killer bodies and there isn’t a well-built dude in the house. The next exciting viewer vote is to have the party theme be Mardi Gras beads and boas. Jeffrey solidifies his status as the Gay Guy with capital “G”s by announcing he brought his own feather boas.
Just in case you didn’t know I was gay…
Every single person in the house gets into the hot tub, which causes it to overflow. The pure disrespect for this free housing by soaking the wood floors in chlorinated water has me really pissed. Just because it’s a TV show doesn’t mean it’s cool to beat up your living quarters. I foresee underpants hanging from lamp shades and hair clogs in the drain. Reality show people are shameless.