Welcome back, ‘Gasmii! I hope your Independence Days were great, filled with burgers and beer and ‘Merica! Knowing Ryan Murphy and his on-the-nose way of doing everything, I half expected this week’s theme to be Patriotism or American-ness or some shit like that. That might actually make an interesting episode. Ah well, keep doing what you’re doing, Ryan. It seems to be working. Or at least making you oodles of money.
We start with this. Apparently Magic Carpet and Control Freak Charlie have set “ground rules” for their “relationship.” No kissing, no cuddling, and minimum flirting. They will just be friends. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Aylin at first seemed like a genuine Persian carpet, but now it looks like she’s just a knock-off rug made in a Peruvian sweat shop. If you don’t get my metaphor, she’s just a wannabe slutbag. She never had any intention of going farther with anyone. Which still makes her a bitchy tease, though. Charlie claims he is happy with this. I don’t buy it.
The theme this week is “adaptability,” and the song is “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrisette. You know, the song about Uncle Joey from Full House getting blowjobs from a bimbo in a movie theater. But this week, they don’t get to choose their own lines (oh no! What will I do without seeing that? Probably die)- Robert assigned their parts.
Lily doesn’t like it, but if you’re a real singer, then you shouldn’t care what line you get. I think she just doesn’t want to be deprived of the juicy line-picking drama.
The special guest this week is Kevin McHale, also known as Artie the Amazing Wheelchair Boy on Glee. This has a special significance for Wheelchair Barbie, who thinks Kevin plays a pathetic paraplegic pretty perfectly (say that three times fast!). Artie tells them that to fit with the week’s theme of dealing with whatever random shit they throw at you, they all have to perform the entire song by themselves, instead of as a group number.
Mario’s reaction. If this whole Glee thing doesn’t pan out (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t), he should look into acting roles for enema commercials
Shannnanaa doesn’t know the words to the song and is a bit worried. I feel that. She didn’t think she would have to!
HW Grades (It’s harder to give grades this week because they edited all the performances into one choppy song, giving some people more time and some less)
Magic Carpet- sounds pretty good. Close to Alanis, I think. B+
Lily- whatev. Nondescript. C+
Shnnanaa- has a creepy lifeless doll vibe going on in the beginning. She fills in words she doesn’t know pretty well, though, and gets more animated later on. B +
Charlie- bleh. Changes the melody around, as is his trademark. C
Blake- as usual, has no range or interest in his monotone voice. I’m pretty sure he can’t actually sing. It’s like how I sing Rock Band songs when I don’t know the words. D-
Blind Side- completely hams it up, as usual. C+
Wheelchair Barbie- also has a creepy intense stare. Her voice is pretty hate-filled, though, fitting the song. B+
Generic Hottie 2, Abe, Nellis, and anyone else I’m forgetting didn’t really get enough time for me to get a grade. Oh well.
I personally would have gone nuts if I had to listen to 10 divas sing that same song over and over again. I give props to Robert and Artie for that.
Artie likes Wheelchair Barbie, Magic Carpet, and Charlie the best, and he picks…Magic Carpet as the winner. Praise Allah. She’s happy to finally be recognized for something other than her inane romantic trials and tribulations.
The big group number is…they’re not telling what it is. They won’t know the song until the recording booth and they won’t know the choreo until they’re on set. They should just call this week “Fuck You We Control Your Lives.”
But after a little bit, we learn the song is “Price Tag” by Jessie J. I don’t know it, and I don’t think most of them do, either. I suppose it’s gonna be fake it ’til you make it, another alternative name for this week.