Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Cooking and Craps

Oh man, you guys, last Tuesday’s Hell’s Kitchen was a mindfuck, huh? Forget the burn and drama and all the craziness that Steak Night/Family Night lent the dining room—that was all a lead-up to the most left-field, nonsensical elimination I’ve seen on competitive television in a long time. The Hand of Ramsay, in a lineup that consisted of Patrick, Royce, Tiffany, and Robyn, waved off Patrick. PATRICK. Now really, I know he messed up some steaks on Steak Night, but really?? ROYCE. TIFFANY. AND ROBYN. Were the other choices. And Patrick went home. I’m sorry, but there is no word better than bullshit to hang on that decision.

I’ll be expecting the apology on Hell’s Kitchen letterhead.

Here’s the thing: I know this show doesn’t exactly feature highbrow players. The closest any of them are going to get to a Michelin anything is at the Sears Auto Center, and the format itself is mostly gimmick-driven, designed to create a high-stress, profanity-laced atmosphere. But if they’re going to keep up the charade of pretending these people are actually competing to win a chef position, they need to dismiss people based on their ability to actually BE CHEFS. And that’s the rub. If they’re going to keep folks in the running based on their ability to bring the hysteria and white trash melodrama, that’s fine, too—I mean, Bunim-Murray built a goddamn empire off that line of thinking. Just don’t insult the audience by pretending that doesn’t matter and it’s all about the food, okay FOX? Christ. You’re being a bunch of douches. And really, do we not have enough douche on this show as it is? Royce is still here, people, we have douche for days.

So tl;dr: this mess left off last week with three of the weaker contestants outlasting one of the stronger ones, in a move that makes sense to absolutely no one who’s watching this shit expecting a cooking show. Robyn also got moved to the Blue team, and the girls are perfectly happy without her, going so far as to toast her departure and vow to have a clean slate moving forward. That sounds great, if only you can manage to get Tiffany’s claws out of Barbie. The Blue team is polite to Robyn, though I can’t help noticing Justin passive-aggressively taking some emotions out on the pedestal bag. I’m sure he’s not picturing Robyn’s face at all. Robyn informs us that she’s glad to be on a team where no one has their periods and there’s no drama. Has she ever seen this show? Drama abounds on both teams, just a different sort, and she just can’t help but bring her special brand in, because the first thing she does is inform everyone personally of how she’s going to outdo every last one of them with her stellar talent and work ethic. But don’t worry, she’s no backstabber. Justin’s bag sparring goes from casual to heated, and he informs us that the Blue team isn’t interested in Robyn’s controversy and bullshit. Ha! This should be good.

Gordon has yet another gimmick concealed under his fancy gold cloth the next morning. It turns out to be a Craps table. Fitting! The game goes as such: The contestants will get their hands on a special die, which features a letter instead of a number on each of its many facets. They will roll said die down the special Hell’s Kitchen Craps table and choose their ingredients based on the letter they roll. Please tell me there’s an X on that damn thing. You can tell Justin is sick of all the bullshit challenge rules and just wants to get down to cooking time. Might I suggest a different show next time around, Justin? Gordon emphasizes that it’s critical the ingredients each person chooses for the challenge complement each other, because I guess that’s usually not important in a fine dining restaurant.

Clemenza rolls an H and picks heirloom tomatoes. Justin goes with daikon, the Japanese radish, for his D. Really, Justin? Robyn also gets a D, and she picks dragonfruit, for some unknown reason, even despite Brian’s attempt to Jedi mind trick her into choosing duck. You know, a sensible choice. How happy are you guys to have her now? The Red team just smirks at each other, knowing that things worked out for the best.

Barbie always makes the best background faces.