Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Donkey Balls

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, June 21, 2012 | 12:04 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hell's Kitchen, Recaps

So now that the Blue team is all fired up from actually completing a dinner service on the heels of a challenge win, they’re all but intolerable. Gordon sent Don home and threw Roshni at their heads, and I don’t know if that was a fair trade. Don was a yokel, but he certainly hadn’t fucked up as much as a few people on that team. He also didn’t annoy me as much, which I’m sure is standard criteria for whether Gordon Ramsay sends someone home.

Brian is starting to grate on my nerves something fierce with his newfound serious demeanor. Meanwhile, Roshni is solid Blue team, not even condescending to play fetch with Dana or Danielle, or whichever one of those faceless bitches wants her to be the ashtray gofer. So was she just their maid before, scurrying around and bringing them stuff?

Roshni is in a better place, though, because the Red team has divided into cliques, and shit is getting catty already. Kimmie is clashing with everyone blonde, the blondes are forming their own bitch circle, Robyn is a loud pain in the ass, and everyone still seems to be gunning for Barbie. Tiffany is just yelling at everyone all the time, and I can’t figure out where her loyalties lie. I’m sure they lie wherever will most benefit her at any given moment.

Gordon announces that the challenge will be Mexican food. In my experience, Mexican food is very easy to cook, but very easy to screw up, too, if you don’t know what you’re doing. Brian is confident that this challenge will be won on the basis of his superior Mexican cooking skills. Scott brings in a giant donkey piñata, which Robyn immediately dubs “Chef Scott’s ass,” saying she’d love to take a whack at it. I see what you did there, Robyn, and it wasn’t as hilarious as you think. Also, stop talking.

Gordon and stick: The last thing the losing team will ever see.

The contestants will take five Mexican classics and turn them into fine dining food, which seems beyond this group. The ceiling is full of balls, which are labeled with ingredients. Everyone has to grab the balls and there are a lot of comments about getting your hands on as many balls as possible. Does anyone else remember when it was a big controversy when David Addison called Maddie Hayes a bitch on prime time TV? And now there’s a bunch of ball talk from this trash. Where’s my cane and denture cream? I feel so offended (not really). Anyway, everyone scrambles all over the place to grab the balls, and they split up to start their challenge.

Clemenza and Royce are especially adept at ball grabbing.

Unfortunately, the first thing we’re subjected to is some softcore food porn, as Brian seductively tells us how sexy his food is. He is all about simplicity and sex, which I hear goes really well with fajitas and a nice pico de gallo. That’s great, Brian, now please shut the fuck up with your verbal bukkake before I have to slap you.

This is just unnecessary.

Meanwhile, Danielle doesn’t know how to make a burrito. Okay. Please do step aside and let the big girls cook, because Jesus Christ. Gordon tells the teams to drop a dish, and the girls do that easily, but no one on the Blue team can agree. They finally give Patrick the final say, and he drops Brian’s sexy Mexican plate. Brian is livid, but I guess Patrick didn’t think it was a good idea to serve Gordon Ramsay a plate of food prepared by someone who’d been pleasuring himself during its preparation. Lesson learned.

Gordon has brought in a couple of judges, Thomas and John, to help him select the best dish. Royce and Kimmie bring up some tacos. Royce’s tortillas are greasy, and everyone hates them.

Just like Royce!

Kimmie’s shrimp tacos do well, and win the point. Brian is convinced Kimmie would not have won the point, had it been his tacos at the table. Wow, is he going to keep this up all hour?

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

12 Comments

  1. 1
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Didn’t Patrick say he was going to take the lead on the blue team when Gordon was yelling at them a couple of episodes ago? I assumed that’s why Clemenza has that stick up his ass about Patrick not actually doing anything to guide the team and Gordon keeps hectoring him about blue team going pear shaped.

  2. 2
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I just howl everytime I hear Gordon scream “RAWR!”. It’s too hilarious. And what was up with the drunken Tiffany gossiping? She can’t tell the difference between Royce and a woman? Any woman? How drunk was she? Or is she just a pot stirrer?

  3. 3
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I went to school with girls like Tiffany–a bunch of mean-spirited, gossipy, good-for-nothings.

    What I have an issue with is how the producers ply the winning-challenge teams with liquors every single episode. Is there no option for non-alcoholic drinks? And why does Ramsay have to stop the line and call everyone over to see yet another RAWR scallop?

  4. 4
    BlueCanary
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Laura, haven’t you noticed the ultra classy powerade, drunk out of wine glasses? Those always crack me up. It does seem like everyone is always loaded, but I just assume that’s how they are normally, and they’ve been offered water and stuff but turned it down. I think I remember Barbie drinking water at one of the lunches, but I’m not sure.

    Vallegirl, you’re right about that, but leading a team is one thing, and micromanaging is another. If Clemenza can’t chop herb garnishes without his hand held, that’s a problem. That’s said, it’s not like this crowd is the best example of how things run in a real kitchen, so I’m all for ten getting screamed at for whatever reason.

  5. 5
    BlueCanary
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Timgunnssister, I think the smell of douche wafting off Royce might have confused drunk-ass Tiffany to the point where she assumed he was a lady. It makes as much sense as anything else.

  6. 6
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    I am feeling better and better about Barbie slipping through – not being “in an alliance” can sometimes secure your safety. Especially when even Gordon can see she wasn’t the weakest link. I mean seriously, yes she screwed up – but she got kicked out of the kitchen for using a thermometer! I was pretty sure that Gordon was on a roll, and actually didn’t mean to say “out, Out, OUT!”…but it had already come out of his mouth…

    The meat/fish on the same platter – yes, Dana dropped the meat. Kimmie TOLD HER, TOO. Dude – both of you just fess up. Standing around looking stupid just looks…STUPID.

    Agreed about Patrick, it’s pretty early to start giving that kind of responsibility and holding him to it… He’s also growing on me, though. So we’ll see!

  7. 7
    Chris Velazquez
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    Tiffany’s loyalties lie in the nearest bottle of booze, cause the way she acts and looks, bitch has gotta be wasted most of the damn time. You seen those glazed over eyes? I’ve seen fish in a freezer look more alert and lively than this walking wastebasket.

  8. 8
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 23, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I loved the “cane and denture cream” (or “denture cream and cane” – I can’t remember the order) line! I’m going to add that to my “and I tell kids to get off my lawn” repetoire. =)

  9. 9
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    For some reason, I just can’t get into Hell’s Kitchen this year.

    Normally, I don’t get that “m’eh” about it until the last couple of episodes (when I stop watching and just read the recaps).

    This year, though, every episode feels like I’m slogging through it. Guess I’m tired of the formula.

    The up side is that I’m watching the hell out of Masterchef.

  10. 10
    SuburBint
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    @Jimbob Jones — Really, how many times can one watch a group of over-confident numbskulls undercook risotto, burn scallops, attempt to serve raw poultry and/or pork to the unsuspecting public, etc., before it becomes completely boring? No matter how they attempt to liven things up with different theme nights, challenges, etc., it’s been the exact same show for the past 92 seasons, and even the “new” cast are just the same old contestants in different skin. I think its the restaurant/dinner service format that makes it so stale, because shows like Top Chef and MasterChef follow the same pattern every season as well, yet they remain interesting to watch. I think if the contestants had more autonomy it might perk things up a bit, instead of the same old tired, failed Wellingtons in every episode.

  11. 11
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    How about they at least change the core menu. Get rid of the scallop appetizers, the risotto, and the Wellingtons. On the other hand, maybe they keep those on the menu strictly because they can count on their “chefs” to royally screw up on those things every single service.

  12. 12
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    @SuburBint and CrankyGuy — I think one of my big issues is the “every challenge is tied” crap. It hasn’t been suspenseful since Season One. That and the voting who goes up serves no purpose whatsoever since GR will just pick who he wants anyway.

    Maybe if they’d go to a more “Top Chef” format (where some challenges could actually be blowouts) it would be better.

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