Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Donkey Balls

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, June 21, 2012 | 12:04 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hell's Kitchen, Recaps

Next up are burritos, served by Clemeza-Italian-burrito and Danielle-I-never-made-a- burrito. Clemenza wins it, no shock there. Clemenza informs us that he wanted to do the underwear floor slide from Risky Business, and I can only thank whatever member of production talked him out of that, because I do enjoy my eyesight.

Keep the pants on, we beg you.

Tiffany and Justin’s soups are both well-received, but Tiffany’s wins. Christina’s enchiladas don’t do as well, though, and Patrick wins that. Now they’re all tied up. The tostadas are the tiebreakers, and it’s Blue Roshni versus Dana. The chefs are split on those, though, and it’s so very suspenseful. Gordon is the tiebreaker, of course, and he goes with Red team, despite Patrick’s Jedi powers. Gordon sends them on an amazing day, inspired by Mexican culture. Which is a very broad brush, Gordon. Are we talking siestas and sangria, or beheadings and donkey shows? Because that could really bring in the ratings, if you have the stones to go there.

No, of course it’s gourmet lunch and a limo. The guys have to clean and prep the kitchen for whatever pretentious Mexican fiesta Gordon has planned. Brian is still steaming about his dish being cut from the contest, thereby robbing him of his chance to make up for fucking up every piece of fish in the kitchen the night before. Sorry, Brian, but I think it’s going to take a bit more than a couple of sorry tacos to equal hundreds of dollars in dead cod profits. He tells Roshni that this is how it feels to be a loser on a losing team. Thanks, Brian, but she already knew that.

The girls get gussied up and start drinking before the limo even leaves the parking lot. They scarf down all their gourmet food and swill more alcohol, then get a dancing lesson, while the Blue team tucks into some nasty tripe. Clemenza is fine with it, because he likes tripe. Okay, so he’s the equivalent of Kimmie and the platter of testicles. The bigguns on this season will eat any damn thing.

Prep time arrives, and Clemenza and Patrick start bitching at each other because Patrick didn’t answer Clemenza’s question fast enough. Patrick says that if a person needs his instruction to prep an ingredient, they shouldn’t be here. So what he’s saying is probably most of them should just leave.

The girls return all happy and rub it in, and Brian is just. So. Irritating at this point. Speaking of irritating, FUCKING ROYCE. He’s trash-talking Kimmie to her own team, and Tiffany is done with listening to bitching by now. But she’s not done playing double agent! As soon as the groups break up for bedtime, she reports straight to Kimmie and Robyn that Dana and Danielle and Christina trash-talked Kimmie’s tortillas. Except that it was Royce who said that, and Tiffany who was one drunk bitch when it was said, and I guess it was all the same to her. See, Royce even irritates people when they don’t even know it’s him. Someone kill him.

Robyn takes it upon herself to confront all of them, which brings the entire group into a little angsty circle. Kimmie accuses Dana of trashing the tortillas, Dana gets irate and starts denying it, and things deteriorate into Memphis ghetto talk pretty fast.

And then there’s a commercial break, featuring the Magic Mike trailer, and I suddenly don’t give a flying fuck about the taco argument.

The trailer ends way too soon, and we’re back to this taco bullshit. Tiffany should just own up to gossiping so they can straighten this out, but that would be the mature thing to do, so of course she doesn’t. They have to go into dinner service with Kimmie and Dana giving each other the silent treatment. Meanwhile, the men are refusing to curse in the kitchen because Roshni’s delicate sensibilities might be offended. That’s actually more offensive than if they just let fly some f-bombs, like she hasn’t heard and said worse than they can cough up. Don’t hold back on our account, fellows, we’re not as fragile as you’d like to think.

Unless it’s Gordon yelling the cusses. Then everyone falls to pieces.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

12 Comments

  1. 1
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Didn’t Patrick say he was going to take the lead on the blue team when Gordon was yelling at them a couple of episodes ago? I assumed that’s why Clemenza has that stick up his ass about Patrick not actually doing anything to guide the team and Gordon keeps hectoring him about blue team going pear shaped.

  2. 2
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I just howl everytime I hear Gordon scream “RAWR!”. It’s too hilarious. And what was up with the drunken Tiffany gossiping? She can’t tell the difference between Royce and a woman? Any woman? How drunk was she? Or is she just a pot stirrer?

  3. 3
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I went to school with girls like Tiffany–a bunch of mean-spirited, gossipy, good-for-nothings.

    What I have an issue with is how the producers ply the winning-challenge teams with liquors every single episode. Is there no option for non-alcoholic drinks? And why does Ramsay have to stop the line and call everyone over to see yet another RAWR scallop?

  4. 4
    BlueCanary
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Laura, haven’t you noticed the ultra classy powerade, drunk out of wine glasses? Those always crack me up. It does seem like everyone is always loaded, but I just assume that’s how they are normally, and they’ve been offered water and stuff but turned it down. I think I remember Barbie drinking water at one of the lunches, but I’m not sure.

    Vallegirl, you’re right about that, but leading a team is one thing, and micromanaging is another. If Clemenza can’t chop herb garnishes without his hand held, that’s a problem. That’s said, it’s not like this crowd is the best example of how things run in a real kitchen, so I’m all for ten getting screamed at for whatever reason.

  5. 5
    BlueCanary
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Timgunnssister, I think the smell of douche wafting off Royce might have confused drunk-ass Tiffany to the point where she assumed he was a lady. It makes as much sense as anything else.

  6. 6
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    I am feeling better and better about Barbie slipping through – not being “in an alliance” can sometimes secure your safety. Especially when even Gordon can see she wasn’t the weakest link. I mean seriously, yes she screwed up – but she got kicked out of the kitchen for using a thermometer! I was pretty sure that Gordon was on a roll, and actually didn’t mean to say “out, Out, OUT!”…but it had already come out of his mouth…

    The meat/fish on the same platter – yes, Dana dropped the meat. Kimmie TOLD HER, TOO. Dude – both of you just fess up. Standing around looking stupid just looks…STUPID.

    Agreed about Patrick, it’s pretty early to start giving that kind of responsibility and holding him to it… He’s also growing on me, though. So we’ll see!

  7. 7
    Chris Velazquez
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    Tiffany’s loyalties lie in the nearest bottle of booze, cause the way she acts and looks, bitch has gotta be wasted most of the damn time. You seen those glazed over eyes? I’ve seen fish in a freezer look more alert and lively than this walking wastebasket.

  8. 8
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 23, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I loved the “cane and denture cream” (or “denture cream and cane” – I can’t remember the order) line! I’m going to add that to my “and I tell kids to get off my lawn” repetoire. =)

  9. 9
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    For some reason, I just can’t get into Hell’s Kitchen this year.

    Normally, I don’t get that “m’eh” about it until the last couple of episodes (when I stop watching and just read the recaps).

    This year, though, every episode feels like I’m slogging through it. Guess I’m tired of the formula.

    The up side is that I’m watching the hell out of Masterchef.

  10. 10
    SuburBint
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    @Jimbob Jones — Really, how many times can one watch a group of over-confident numbskulls undercook risotto, burn scallops, attempt to serve raw poultry and/or pork to the unsuspecting public, etc., before it becomes completely boring? No matter how they attempt to liven things up with different theme nights, challenges, etc., it’s been the exact same show for the past 92 seasons, and even the “new” cast are just the same old contestants in different skin. I think its the restaurant/dinner service format that makes it so stale, because shows like Top Chef and MasterChef follow the same pattern every season as well, yet they remain interesting to watch. I think if the contestants had more autonomy it might perk things up a bit, instead of the same old tired, failed Wellingtons in every episode.

  11. 11
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    How about they at least change the core menu. Get rid of the scallop appetizers, the risotto, and the Wellingtons. On the other hand, maybe they keep those on the menu strictly because they can count on their “chefs” to royally screw up on those things every single service.

  12. 12
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted June 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    @SuburBint and CrankyGuy — I think one of my big issues is the “every challenge is tied” crap. It hasn’t been suspenseful since Season One. That and the voting who goes up serves no purpose whatsoever since GR will just pick who he wants anyway.

    Maybe if they’d go to a more “Top Chef” format (where some challenges could actually be blowouts) it would be better.

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