Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Fight Night

Greetings, Gasmii! I’m stuck out of work for the rest of the week because all of my kidney issues ended up resulting in a hospital stay and some minor surgery. As a result, I can focus 100% on my recaps for you! That’s the silver lining in all of this. I also want to use this space to say a HUGE thank you to MotherPhilly. She drove down from PA to VA on Sunday night to help me out while I’m recovering. She even cleaned my apartment because I haven’t been able to move much since last week! There are not nearly enough “thank you”s in the world.

OK, so let’s get into the recap. Previously, Fashion Night happened over the course of three episodes, the men were horny and delusional, no one cooked very well, and Guy got sent home for bringing more suck to the kitchen than anyone else.

 
The models will finally think he’s hot.

We begin this episode with Gordon sending both teams back to the dorm. Clemenza offers us his thoughts on the rest of his team wanting him to go home the night before. With that, we have the first, “I’m not here to make friends” of the season. That seems pretty late for someone to use that tried and true line. Did I miss an earlier one? Surely someone else had that written in their script revelation before now!

 When the chefs reach the dorm, Patrick pulls Clemenza aside and tells him that he never doubted him for a second. However, to the camera, Patrick explains that he’s going to get rid of Clemenza as soon as he can. There really doesn’t need to be any plotting going on with this show. All Patrick has to do to get ride of Clemenza is cook better. Really. That’s it. Why waste the energy and precious few brain cells trying to strategize? Ha! Clemenza knows that Patrick is just a kiss ass. 

The next morning, the chefs meet Gordon in the kitchen. Clemenza says that he is ready to fight back. For today’s challenge, the chefs must prove that they can adapt. It’s a bit complicated to explain. Basically, each team has four domes. Under the first dome are proteins. Each chef must grab one to use in their dish. After a few minutes, a bell will ring and a second dome will be lifted. Each chef will have to grab another ingredient. This happens until all four domes are uncovered. The chefs must try to get ingredients that compliment one another. 

More meals should be served on LED plates. 

The first bell sounds. It looks like we have veal, pork, turkey breast, chicken, lobster, and monkfish. Christina apologizes as she stabs her lobster between the eyes. I used to be pretty squeamish about killing lobsters. Then I watched an episode of “Good Eats” that was all about lobster. Alton Brown explained that they’re nothing more than giant cockroaches. When I think of them that way, I don’t feel bad about enjoying their corpses with butter.

The next bell rings. Each chef must grab a starch. Surprise, surprise, Kimmie is not happy with her ingredients. She doesn’t know what she’s going to do with turkey breast and lasagna sheets. Well, Kimmie, I suggest you make a turkey lasagna. It’s actually quite good. I make it all the time. Her reasoning for not knowing what to do? She’s not Italian. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I didn’t realize that being Italian meant that you were suddenly good at making pasta dishes. Can someone who is Italian please enlighten me here? I mean, I’m German and Armenian. I can’t cook wienerschnitzel or desmet/choreg. Maybe it’s only an Italian thing. 

I don’t think ethnicity and cooking work together that way, Kimmie.

The third bell rings. The dome for the vegetables is removed. Robyn gets beets. Guess what! She hates beets and she tells us all about it!  Apparently, they taste like dirt in her mouth. I bet dirt is a hell of a lot better than all the bullshit that is constantly coming out of Robyn’s mouth. She says that her challenge is to figure out the best way to incorporate all her ingredients. No, Robyn. That is not YOUR challenge. That is THE challenge. That is exactly what everyone is supposed to do. 

She makes Royce seem smart. 

The final dome is revealed. It is a “wild card” dome. The ingredients are a little bit of everything. Some protein, some dairy, some vegetables, etc. The blue team seems to be communicating quite well. The red team is just making a mad dash for ingredients. When Gordon asks Tiffany if she wanted the quail eggs, she says, “Not really, but I’ll make it work.” I agree with Gordon when he says that he loves her attitude there. Like most professions, until you get to the very top of your field, it’s not about doing things the way you like. It’s about doing what you have to do. It pains me to say it, but well done, Tiffany. I have to take another Percocet after typing that.

Royce is making lobster. He tells us that he tried it and it was, “fucking delicious.” I cannot wait for Royce to poison someone with this lobster. It always makes me happy to hear him talk about how wonderful his dish is. Every time that happens, he ends up serving garbage on a plate.

The most consistent thing about this show. 

Time for judging. For the first time this season, the judges are actually relevant to the food industry! They are three chefs who have all earned Michelin Stars. First up is New York chef Anita Lo. She is one of Barbie’s idols. That’s actually pretty cool that Barbie gets to cook for her. I would be shitting my pants in terror. Next is Douglas Keane from San Francisco. The final judge is Michael Cimarusti. Justin is adorable as he acts in complete awe of these three chefs. Despite my little knowledge of the food industry, I can recognize how amazing this opportunity is. Knowing that, Robyn will probably fuck it up.

For entertainment’s sake, don’t let me down!

The judges will award each dish one to three stars. The team that earns the most stars, wins. First up are the monkfish dishes – Justin vs. Tiffany. The judges really like the way Tiffany incorporated the quail egg into the dish. Each judge awards her two stars. Not bad. Ooh! Justin got a quail egg to go with his fish too. The judges really do like the monkfish ravioli he made. Like Tiffany, Justin receives two stars from each judge. Both teams are off to a strong start.

Next up, the hen dishes – Barbie vs. Clemenza. Barbie acts like an adorable little kid after Anita tells her that the dish was good. She walks away with five stars (two stars from Anita and Douglas, one star from Michael). Michael loves that someone as large as Clemenza can present such a delicate dish. I never thought of that before, but it is kind of funny to think about. Clamenza really is the last person you’d expect to see plating something that looks like this:

That man has the fingers of an angel. 

As for the taste, they judges agree that Clemenza used a bit too much spice in his dish. He receives the exact same score as Barbie from each judge. Of course things are all tied up. When are they not?

Turkey breast is the next dish to be judged – Kimmie vs. Roshni. Roshni’s turkey is a little dry and she’s only awarded three stars (one from each judge). Kimmie doesn’t do much better. Her dish was under spiced and she receives a single star from each judge.

Dana and Brian battle it out with their veal chop dishes. Dana receives two stars from each judge. And then Brian opens his mouth. He lets out a, “Bonjourno, buenos dias, hello.” It just creates an awkward moment for everyone. All of his fellow chefs cringe. It’s pretty much how I feel every time Brian speaks. Or is even on screen. Despite his personality, his dish earns two stars from each of the judges. 

Patrick and Robyn are next with their pork dishes. When Gordon asks Robyn if there were any ingredients she didn’t want to use, she flat out says, “I hate cooking beets.” Thank you for not letting me down, Robyn! No matter how hectic and unpredictable life might be at times, I can count on you to do or say something stupid and return order to the universe!

This is why the Earth continues to turn. 

When Gordon calls Robyn out on saying she “hates” one of the ingredients, she apologizes and says, “I could have made more love to the beets.” Please stop talking, Robyn. That didn’t make it better. In fact, all three judges can tell that Robyn hates beats. She receive a single star from each of the judges. I rejoice in her misery.

When asked about his ingredients, Patrick is smart and tells the judges that he loved them all and was happy to work with them. He earns two stars from each judge. As long as Robyn is humiliated, I’m happy. Right now, I love Patrick because he did that. 

Finally, the lobster dishes will be judged – Royce vs. Christina. Royce is someone else I just want to see humiliated. I want to see a judge vomit immediately upon tasting his dish. My wishes are pretty closed to granted when one of the judges finds a hair in Royce’s dish! Douglas says that he’s at least happy that the hair isn’t curly.

Gordon explains that the hair is better than anything Royce has ever cooked.

To make things even better (well, for me, anyway), Royce forget to remove a very important part of the lobster – the shit sack. I think that is taught in most culinary schools in Cooking 101. Lesson 1: Do not serve feces to your patrons. I guess Royce was sick that day. Obviously, he receives only a single star from each judge.

 Everything is riding on Christina’s lobster dish. She needs at least six stars to tie the blue team. To win, she needs to receive at least one perfect score. The dish is universally loved. Douglas and Michael each give Christina two stars. Anita gives Christina three stars!!!! My love for Christina grows exponentially! Can we just end the season now and declare her the winner? So far, she’s screwed up the least and causes the least amount of drama. That should be good enough with this bunch. As a special prize, Christina’s dish will be on the menu of the next dinner service.

The red team is off to the spa for the day! The blue team must prep both kitchens for tonight’s service (the usual punishment). Before that, however, they must clean the entire dorm. The red team then learns that they have a surprised waiting for them upstairs. They each get a set of Meyer cookware. I did some looking around online to see what was so special about Meyer. Apparently it’s no better or worse than any other cookware. I guess they’re sponsoring the show.

The producers bought it on Overstock.com.

 While the blue team cleans, the red team heads out to the spa. Of course, this is where the drama begins. Some of the ladies are getting massages while Robyn is taking a bubble bath. Barbie asks if they are going to refill the tub with new water once Robyn is done. Robyn acts like this is this most horrible question anyone could have asked. “Barbie doesn’t want to get into the tub because of our bodily fluids.” I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to soak in the water that someone else was just bathing in. That does not make Barbie “ignorant,” as Robyn put it. That makes her clean and hygienic.

Would you want to share bath water with this? 

The red team returns to Hell’s Kitchen two hours before dinner service and they start prepping. Of course, that means they start arguing. I’m not even sure what just happened. I’ve rewatched it a few times and I’m still not following. Robyn asked Barbie about something missing. Barbie asked if Robyn was working that station. Then Robyn started mumbling something about how it was sink or swim and she was going to “sink [Barbie's] ass deep.” I’m so lost here. 

Gordon is expecting this service to go smoothly. Why? Has he not been paying attention every other night? Gordon is demonstrating a pretty poor learning curve. Anyway, he has a surprise for the chefs. He has invited two special guests to sit at the chef’s table inside the kitchen during dinner service. The blue team will be serving former UFC World Champion Tito Ortiz. The red team will be serving 6-time boxing world champion (and all around legend) Sugar Ray Leonard. Robyn will host Sugar Ray while Justin will host Tito. Please let Robyn get punched! Justin is crossing his fingers that they don’t look like idiots tonight.

You’re being compared to Robyn. Don’t worry, you won’t be the idiot.

Hell’s Kitchen is open! Clemenza tells us that his team is looking for a reason to send him home. However, he’s ready to cook what he knows how to cook. So far, this season, that excludes pizza, scallops, and a swordfish dish that he created. That’s not too reassuring. That now includes spaghetti. Gordon sends it back because the pasta is chewy. When did Clemenza really start sucking? He always seemed pretty competent until the last episode.

In the red kitchen, Christina sends up a perfect risotto. Clemenza, however, is still having trouble with the spaghetti. Once again, we hear the “Italians can cook pasta” excuse – this time, from Brian. Instead of saying, “Clemenza is Italian so he should know how to cook spaghetti,” the chefs should be saying, “Clemenza is a professional chef. He should know how to cook something as simple as fucking spaghetti.” Thankfully, he finally gets the dish correct. There is no way such a simple dish should have taken that long. 

The Chef Boyardee of Hell’s Kitchen.