Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Model Behavior

So when we last left our group of talented, dedicated individuals, it was in the middle of Clemenza starting the goddamn fashion show dinner service scallops before service had even started. I guess he figured that no one would actually be eating them, so it didn’t matter much. But why is it always the scallops? If we ever experience a scallop shortage in this nation, I will be placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Gordon Ramsay and whomever he lets in this travesty of a kitchen.

I swear, the BP oil spill had less of an impact on seafood availability than these people.

Gordon freaks out on Clemenza, because there’s been a discussion that nothing will be sent until the first catwalk, yet, he’s just cooking away for an empty dining room. Instead of admitting he’s a dumbshit, he blames his team members for not telling him to stop cooking appetizers that haven’t been ordered yet. Let me repeat that: He blames his team members. For not telling him. To stop cooking. Before the restaurant opened. Okay, Clemenza, you know what? You just lost the sympathies of one BlueCanary, because A. that’s one of the dumbest, most buck-passing things I’ve ever heard out of this show (which is saying something), and B. Of course they’re not going to say anything—you just filled one of the nomination slots, dumbass. Statistically speaking, you just did them all a favor.

James opens up those doors, admitting a horde of fashion minions. Patrick actually has to tell his team to ignore all the boobies and labia scheduled to strut down the runway, and keep their eyes on the damn food. Patrick’s married, so you know that was a total ass-cover. Based on his post-airing damage control efforts, Patrick may well be one of the smarter contestants this show has seen (which is not saying something).

Brian, eyes on the prize, not eyes on the thighs.

Gordon instructs the Red kitchen to start cooking appetizers, reminding them they’ll get a heads-up at the two-minute mark. I have a feeling that’s going to be an issue. He has Kimmie and Royce working the window, checking and plating the food. I have a feeling that’s also going to be an issue.

The fashion show begins, and already Brian can’t contain his testosterone. Ew. Dana openly lets her bitterness show, bitching about how pointless it is to have people who don’t eat standing around in her restaurant, possibly looking at her. Dana, the room is full of swimsuit models. I can pretty much guaran-damn-tee no one’s going out of their way to watch you sweat through your chef jacket. Tiffany opines that she herself could be a model, if only she stopped eating and lost most of her body weight. No, Tiffany. This is a lie.

Gordon gives them the heads up, and of course, all hell breaks loose. Barbie and Tiffany start arguing over the scallops. Which is nothing new. And of course, a bunch of undercooked scallops get hauled up to the window. And of course, Tiffany won’t admit she was responsible for them.

Barbie and her cat’s-eye glasses are done with the bullshit.

A disgusted Gordon leaves them to their pitiful scallops and goes over to bark a bunch of orders at the Blue team. Clemenza has to crank out 16 orders of scallops, and you damn well know that’s a disaster waiting to happen. He offers to cook them on his ass, since there are more orders than there are burners, and I think I speak for all of us when I politely decline that generous offer.

If Patrick has to physically shove him away to prevent it, so be it.

Tiffany has made a comeback on the scallops, so it’s time for the Dana and Christina alliance to stave off Robyn’s attempts at help. They won’t let her intervene, and Robyn says that someday they’ll need help and, because of their attitudes, no one will be there to offer it. Well, maybe yes and maybe no, Robyn, but I’m pretty damn sure you’re not the one they’d ask, in any case.

Dammit, Robyn, stop helping!