Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Project Run Away

*Before we get into any show stuff, I want to apologize for this being up a little late. I spent Wednesday night (my usual “Hell’s Kitchen” recap writing night) in the ER. It’s nothing major. I’m just passing a kidney stone. It hurts, but I now have a day to sit and write my recaps! I have the nicest ex-boyfriend ever for being the one to take me to the ER and stay there with me until 2 a.m. (thanks, Gordo!). I told him I’d repay him by giving him a shout out. OK, onto important stuff.*

Previously on “Hell’s Kitchen,” Roshni joined the blue team, there was lots of fighting on the red team, neither team cooked very well, and we were left hanging as “To be continued” appeared on the TV screen at the elimination ceremony.

I want to start this recap by pointing out something quite interesting. A friend of my brought this to my attention and it’s worth mentioning (thanks, Kirby!). There is a blind woman currently competing on “Master Chef” and she can cook perfect fucking scallops. The chefs on “Hell’s Kitchen” have no excuse for screwing up anything ever again.

What now, bitches?

I’m more and more fascinated by the ridiculous theme song every week. I understand they’re competing for a job in Gordon’s Vegas restaurant. However, this theme song is just ridiculous. I almost feel embarrassed just watching it.

How much do we have to pay someone for this to happen for real?

We start this episode with Danielle, Patrick, and Guy waiting to hear their fate. Barbie was already sent back in line. I think Gordon knows about the “everyone hates Barbie” game.  There is no way that she is the worst chef there. Patrick is the next chef sent back in line. With that, it comes down to Danielle and Guy. Danielle is told to turn in her jacket. Christina looks shocked and Dana starts crying. I never understood why people cry when someone else is eliminated. I know that you make friends in these situations, but Danielle’s leaving just improved your changes, Dana!

As Dana leaves, she tells us that she thinks Barbie or Kimmie should have gone home because they’re sneaky. Yes, Kimmie is a total bitch and Barbie has definitely had her unlikable moments, but I’m not sure how that makes them “sneaky.” Gordon asks Dana why she’s crying. Although she’s upset, it’s not anywhere close to how pissed off Gordon is. He calls tonight’s performance “embarrassing.” I’m pretty sure every night’s performance has been embarrassing up to this point. With Gordon’s loving-as-always “fuck off,” the chefs are sent back to the dorm.

Dana and Christina continue to cry over Danielle’s departure. Dana knows that the Kimmie-Tiffany-Robyn alliance is going to target her next. I’m not sure that it’s even possible to “target” someone on this show. Look at what the red team has been doing to Barbie and Gordon has seen right through it. Also, he’s more than willing to call up someone who hasn’t been nominated for elimination. Just because someone hasn’t been nominated doesn’t mean that they’re safe.

Case in point.

We cut to the bitch convention in the living area. Kimmie, Tiffany, and Robyn know that Dana is going to blame them for Danielle leaving. Kimmie takes pride in the fact that Danielle has left and says that she was the one that got Danielle out of here. I wouldn’t take too much credit for that, Kimmie. Danielle left because she kind of sucked at the last dinner service. You had very little to do with her lack of communication skills.

Tiffany opines that crying after Danielle left just shows weakness. No, Tiffany. It shows compassion and humanity. Granted, I roll my eyes at reality show contestants who cry when other people leave. However, I don’t think an emotional bond with another human being makes someone weak. Robyn just smiles and nods and goes along with whatever Kimmie and Tiffany say. She is definitely the Gretchen Weiners of this group of mean girls.

Stop trying to make “fetch” happen, Robyn!

Meanwhile, the blue team is complaining about Patrick’s leadership. I didn’t realize this show had leaders. Am I missing something? When did Patrick become the head of the blue team? I thought they all kind of worked together. Royce is questioning Patrick’s leadership. Royce offers to put his name out there if the team wants a new leader. Guy interviews that Royce just talks. It’s really true. I  don’t think that he has ever actually said anything of substance in this entire season. Shut up, Royce.

Brian and I have the same opinion of Royce.

Patrick finally speaks up. He says that the team has gotten better and stronger because of his leadership. I’m not so sure about that. Can you really claim great leadership skills when viewers don’t realize that you’re the leader of a team? I’m pretty sure Monday’s episode was the first time that Patrick spoke this whole season. Royce keeps pushing Patrick who just sits there silently. This is the point where he should probably learn to just shut up. When someone gets really quiet during an argument, that’s when you should be scared. The rest of the team tries to get Royce to shut up. Just tackle him already, guys. Guy is a former Israeli soldier and Clemenza is just huge. Those two can easily take them.

Patrick finally snaps at Royce and he shuts up. I’m pretty sure that Patrick is right when he says that no one wants Royce to lead the team. Clemenza steps in to be the voice of reason. He says that everyone has gotten frazzled and made a mistake at some point. He says that everyone on the team needs to wake up and focus. Every episode I love Clemenza more and more. He seems to have a great head on his shoulders in this sea of stupid and annoying. He interviews that they won’t win a challenge if they don’t act as one.

The Buddha of Hell’s Kitchen – both physically and mentally.

The next day, Royce starts hitting on Kimmie. Royce. Starts hitting on. Kimmie. He offers to be her loufa in the shower. I’m not sure if the nausea I’m feeling is a symptom of the kidney stone or if it’s the result of the mental image of Royce and Kimmie together. They are the two most disgusting people on this entire show…quite possibly the entire country. Thankfully, we see no more of this because Gordon wants this chefs in the kitchen immediately. My love for that wonderfully angry British man has grown exponentially.

Gordon starts with a story about when he was a young chef in Paris. He thought there was nothing better than French food. Tiffany speculates that this challenge will be about traditional French technique. She tells us it’s one of the things she does best…aside from being a psycho hose beast, that is. Gordon continues that he thought the food he was learning would never change. However, food changes like fashion does. It’s time to take a look at the way food has changed throughout the years.

We start with the 1950s. A model comes out dressed as a 1950s housewife carrying layered Jell-O and a TV dinner. We see a little bit of Gordon’s horndog side when he asks the model, “Is that you shaking, or is that the Jell-O?” A part of me thinks he didn’t mean it that way, but it definitely comes across as a bad pickup line. Clemenza interviews that the Jell-O wasn’t the only thing wiggling.

The definition of “out of Clemenza’s league.” 

Our next model represents the 1970s. Fondue became wildly popular in that era. Patrick thinks their challenge is to reinterpret fondue. He’s never liked it and he’s never understood it. Here is where we start to see just how delusional Brian is. He is very happy to see these models. He’s hopeful that they want to talk to them and cuddle.

No they don’t, Brian.

Last, we see a model who represents the 1990s. That is when Asian fusion was born. Justin says his first words of the entire season. He tells us that Asian fusion doesn’t excite him, but hot ladies definitely do. Shut up, Justin. This is the reason most of what you’ve said on this show is edited out. Kimmie thinks that they will have to make a dish from each era. She thinks they’re fucked if they have to do this. Why is it that all these chefs think they’re fucked when they have to cook something? I’m quickly losing faith in all of them.

Once again, Gordon makes the comparison between food and fashion. He explain that they both follow trends. Tonight will be the first ever fashion night in Hell’s Kicthen. The chefs will be creating a menu for three fashion designers. So the Fashion Night theme doesn’t really have anything to do with the food. It’s just the fact that people in the fashion industry will be eating it. This entire challenge reeks of “last minute.”

Gordon introduces the three fashion designers who will be the judges for the next challenge. David Meister is up first. I have no idea who he is. Now, that doesn’t say much since my favorite “designer” is New York and Company. David is kind of pretty though. In fact, he might be prettier than some of the models who showcased the different food trends.

He could also be a commercial for hair conditioner.

Next we have Amanda Ché - a swimwear designer whose work has been regularly featured in Sports Illustrated. Finally, we have Ina Soltani. Her designs are worn by celebrities like Eva Longoria and Kristen Stewart. I’d only brag about one of those, Ina. Gordon calls out the horniness of the men in the room. He tells Clemenza to put his tongue back in his mouth. Why do you have to be so creepy, Clemenza? I just got done talking about how much I love you. Please don’t make me take that back.

Now for the challenge instructions. Each team must produce one appetizer and two entrees. One of the entrees will be seafood and the other will be poultry. Gordon asks David what he looks for in a dish. He speaks exactly the way you’d imagine he would. He lisps to the chefs that he really likes a healthy dish and that he loves swordfish. He also really like spicy foods. Ina tells the chefs that her collection is inspired by the Mediterranean. She is looking for something very colorful and heavy on seasoning. Royce tells us that he’s from Miami, so he’s used to diners in the fashion industry. He says that he knows what they all want – flavor. Wow. Imagine that. People want flavor in their food. Royce is a genius.

A real Mensa candidate. 

Amanda doesn’t want anything fatty or unhealthy presented to her guests. If any of her guests are models, we don’t need to worry about how much fat is in the food. We all know they’re not going to eat it anyway. Ha! Dana agrees with me when she says, “We get it. You don’t like to eat ever and all you care about is your image.” It always irks me when the chefs act like this when someone requests food a certain way. If someone is paying you to cook something for them, they should probably get what they ask for. That’s kind of how this whole diner-chef relationship works. The chefs have 30 minutes to create their dishes. The winning dishes will be on tonight’s menu. Time starts now!

The blue team plays it smart. They remember that David specifically told them that he likes swordfish, so they decide to make a swordfish dish. Brian tells us that he wants to keep is appetizer simple, sweet, and sexy. Please stop using “sexy” to describe food, Brian. It’s making me uncomfortable. As a recapper, I should be allowed to file a sexual harassment suit. Brian is creating a hostile work environment for me.

Meanwhile, on the red team, Dana takes over the appetizers. Christina interviews that she appreciates that Dana is a perfectionist. However, she just wants her to stop micromanaging. Dana tells us that this appetizer will be a reflection on her and she needs to prove that she deserves to be there. I understand that, but micromanaging probably won’t get the job done. Christina isn’t going to try to screw everything up. It’s her ass on the line as well.

On the blue team, Clemenza collaborates with Guy and Royce on a puttanesca for their fish entree. Ha! When looking up the spelling of “puttanesca,” I learn that it means “whore’s style.” If I had a whore house, I’d totally call it Puttanesca! For causing me to learn this fun fact, I love Clemenza again. He’s apparently been eating this whoreish sauce since he was a baby. I’ve never had it, but puttanesca is my new favorite food. 

Thank you for making the 16-year-old boy in my head laugh. 

Back in the red kitchen, Robyn and Kimmie are working on the fish entree. Kimmie suggest they create a swordfish entree. Once again, someone is smart and recognizes David told them specifically what he wants. Robyn responds, “Swordfish is like tuna and I don’t like cooking with that.” Again, this is not how the chef-diner relationship works! If someone comes into your restaurant and orders swordfish, you don’t get to say, “Sorry, I don’t like cooking swordfish. Pick something else.” You’ve got to be smart here, Robyn. I know that’s asking a lot from you. 

Kimmie tells us that sometimes she lets people walk all over her. I don’t really like Kimmie that much, but I hate Robyn more. Stand the fuck up for yourself, Kimmie! Robyn wants to cook a sea bass entree…for the man who specifically said he likes swordfish. Meanwhile, Tiffany and Barbie are working on the poultry dish. They’re going to cook the squab with eggplant fries. Yet again, someone is completely ignoring what the designers requested. Frying something doesn’t make it healthy. In fact, it pretty much negates any of the health benefits of eggplant. Barbie is keeping her mouth shut because she’s just tired of the drama. Barbie is growing on me more and more each week. 

Proving that she pays attention, Kimmie tells Robyn that they need to put some seasoning on the sea bass. Robyn just says she wants to keep it simple and season the fish with salt and pepper. Does Robyn have some kind of learning disability? The designers all specifically said they wanted lots of flavor and spice in their dishes. So far, Robyn has ignored every direction that they designers – the challenge judges – have given her. If I told someone I really like swordfish and also enjoy lots of spices and seasoning, I’d be pretty disappointed to be served a piece of sea bass with some salt and pepper on it.

Pick out the one who probably failed second grade due to poor comprehension skills. 

The blue team is getting nervous about Guy. Time is running out and his potatoes still aren’t done. What kind of potatoes is he making that it takes this long to cook them? Is he turning them into gold? Did he plant the potatoes at the beginning of the challenge and is waiting for the to grow? Royce interviews that Guy shouldn’t be having issues making the potatoes because they’re so simple and easy. Hey, Royce, weren’t you kicked out of the kitchen for how badly you screwed up mashed potatoes? I don’t think you get to criticize Guy here. Gordon counts down the last few seconds of the challenge and we go to commercial wondering if Guy finished on time.

At the last minute, the potatoes are on the plate. Both teams have finished their dishes. Time for the appetizers to be judged. Brian calls his appetizer sexy again. Shut up, Brian. The appetizers showcase Brian and Justin and their “pure sex on a plate” vs. Dana and Christina and their chilled mango broth with jumbo lump crab meat. Ina starts off immediately telling Justin that the dish is not visually appealing. Gordon compares the vanilla foam on the dish to vomit. Apparently pure sex looks like vomit. 

This is not what comes to mind when I think of sex.

When it comes to taste, David says that he thinks the foam is a little too sweet for the dish. Amanda thinks that the dish is bland. There is no spice or anything that makes it special. All three designers agree that there is no “wow” factor to this dish. 

Moving on to Dana and Christina’s dish, Ina starts out by calling it “visually a little clumsy.” Dana seems to redeem herself a bit when she explains that the only fat in the dish is a little bit of olive oil. David does like the spices that they used in the dish. The designers unanimously choose the red team as the winner for the appetizer round. Brian is pissed off. He tells us that he doesn’t care what the designers said because he presented a very nice dish. Hey, Brian, sometimes people won’t like what you make. Food is subjective. Get over it.

Next up, the poultry round. Patrick and Roshni have made a Moroccan spice influenced squab with a touch of vinegar. Patrick goes on to say, “I believe that vinegar helps thin the mucus.” I don’t use abbreviations that often, but this deserves nothing less than a huge WTF?!?!?!?! The mucus? Why are you cooking with mucus, Patrick? The designers find it interesting, but there is no kick in it. I’m guessing it was hidden by the mucus. Roshni makes me kind of like her when she says that the judges comments will make her look at a plate differently from now on. I am proud of her learning moment. 

A gold star for you, Roshni! 

Tiffany offers up her and Barbie’s pan roasted squab with eggplant puree and eggplant fries. Gordon asks if she means deep fat fried. Yes she does. All three designers look horrified. I agree with Dana when she says Tiffany must have been in the bathroom when the designers explained that they’re wanted everything to be super healthy. David also says that the dish doesn’t look chic or clean. I have to agree with him here. It looks like some leftovers that I threw on a plate to microwave. The judges like the squab and the bit of salad on the plate, but the fried eggplant makes everything a little too greasy.

Just a normal meal from Chef PopePhilly. 

The blue team is chosen unanimously. The teams are tied at one point each. Of course they are. I think there is a law that all of these challenges have to come to a tie right before the last dish is presented. With that, it’s time for the seafood dishes. It’s Clemenza, Royce, and Guy vs. Kimmie and Robyn. Guy presents his swordfish entree. Right away, I know this dish is going to win. The three of them did exactly what the designers asked for. They made swordfish with spices from Italy and Spain. Ina tells Guy that she has a very personal connection with Italy and Spain. Guy thinks that Ina is giving him “the eyes.” No, she’s not, Guy. Ina is married and has two children. She’s probably not interested in a reality show contestant. We cut to a shot of guy smiling and porn music starts playing in the background. This episode really wants me to vomit, doesn’t it?

These eyes say, “Knock it the fuck off, Guy.” 

Ina says she’s going to surrender to this dish. Guy decides to tell us that it isn’t new to him because most women surrender. Then he licks his lips. I immediately run to the bathroom and throw up everything I ate for the last week. On a less creepy note, Amanda says she really loves the muscles and clams added to the dish. “Being a swimwear designer, I think that will really resonate with our guests.” What? Because of the ocean? Are you making swimwear out of muscle and clam shells? Less creepy, but just as stupid. The designers like the taste of the dish, but want the presentation to be a bit more refined. There is some more creepiness with Guy talking about Ina and batting his eyes. I just don’t want to talk about it.

Now onto Robyn and her dish that is the opposite of what the designers wanted. Amanda likes the colors used in the sauce. David wishes the dish presentation was sharper and more precise. When it comes to taste, David finds the vinegar to be overwhelming and Ina thinks the entree is “quite bland.” Robyn’s interview is kind of terrifying. She starts with, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I’m pretty sure they’re your customers, Robyn. As a chef, your job is to make what your customer wants. They asked for spice and you gave them salt and pepper. 

It’s good to see she handles criticism well.

We come down to an even closer tie. Ina picks blue and Amanda picks red. Will David pick blue – the team that gave him swordfish with lots of different spices just like he asked for? Or will he pick red – the team that gave him sea bass with some salt and pepper on it? Is anyone surprised that blue wins this round? Kimmie complains about Robyn to the camera. It pains me to say it, but Kimmie was right.   Gordon asks the chefs to join him in thanking their esteemed judges. The blue team claps. We cut to a shot of Tiffany standing there looking pissed off. She then tells the camera that she hates them all. Is it me, or do some of these chefs seem to possess the maturity of 6-year-olds. Like I said before, food is subjective. Your dish can be technically wonderful, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will like it. 

As the designers leave, Kimmie tells Robyn that she’s pissed off. Robyn asks Kimmie to talk to her about it, but gets nothing but an, “I don’t want to talk about it” in return. I understand why Kimmie is angry, but why bring it up if you don’t want to talk about it? That’s like being the person who posts a status on Facebook that simply says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Although this seems to describe how most people feel about Robyn. 

Robyn thinks that Kimmie should have spoken up more if she wanted to use bold flavors. She did speak up. In fact, she spoke up about everything and Robyn bullied her into do what she wanted. Maybe I’m watching a different episode than Robyn is. 

The blue team is presented with their prize. Gordon is giving them a few thousand dollars to spend in a boutique in Malibu. They’re going to get new clothes and then will spend the day wine tasting. As the blue team goes to get ready for their day, Gordon calls out Kimmie and Robyn for not using spice. Kimmie stands up for herself and says she wanted to use spice but Robyn didn’t. I think Gordon knows that Robyn is kind of a bitch. He specifically tells Kimmie not to get bullied by her. Kimmie starts crying and tells us that she just doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

Gordon tells the red team that they will be spending the day getting the restaurant ready for Fashion Night. They will be hand building a runway and making center pieces. Robyn interviews that this punishment sucks and that she’s sick of being a loser. Get used to it, Robyn. I’m pretty sure you are just a loser and will always be a loser. 

The blue team arrives at the boutique and meet Elena who is their personal shopper for the day. Brian is creepy again. He shakes Elena’s hand and says, “Dress me forever. Please.”  Once again, I’m just uncomfortable. He tells us that his heart skipped a beat because she is attractive. Shut up, Brian. Yes, I’ve said that a lot this episode. I’ll probably say it a lot more throughout the season.

I get a strong sex offender vibe from Brian here. 

 The team begins shopping. I’m not sure why they got a few thousand dollars for this. All the men are picking out plaid shirts that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen in The Gap. Brian asks Elena what she thinks of his outfit. She says she loves it. This leads Brian to think that there is “something special” between them. No, Brian. Elena is a personal shopper. She gets paid to tell you how good you look. The more she says you look good, the more you will buy, and the more she will get paid. Brian is the most delusional man I’ve ever seen. He reinforces my opinion by doing this:

I need to take a whole lot more pain medicine to recover from this. 

Back at Hell’s Kitchen, the red team is working hard to prepare for Fashion Night. Christina knows that her teammates aren’t much for physical labor and speculates that she’ll be doing most of the work. The event planner tries to get them to move faster to get the runway built. Robyn asks if two people could do something else. She is told that two people can get the wrenches and start actually putting the runway together while the rest of the group continues to carry the pieces in. Robyn tries to make it seem like the just wants to multitask and get more done. Instead, she just seems lazy. Robyn asks Kimmie to stay with her.

Christina is pissed off because the four smallest people are sent out to carry the runway pieces in. I’m not sure that she understands how size works. Tiffany is going out with them. I’m pretty sure she is not among the four smallest people on the red team. Kimmie completely blows off Robyn to go help the others carry the runway. Meanwhile, Robyn has no idea how to screw the runway together. Earlier I asked if Robyn has a learning disability. I’m starting to think she’s just stupid.

There is clearly not a screw there.  

Barbie tells us that Robyn is a jack of all trades but a master of none. Then she calls Robyn a selfish bitch. That pretty much sums it up perfectly. Christina is getting frustrated with the rest of the team. She finally just walks out in her frustration. I’d be a bit frustrated too. It seems that everyone else was lagging and complaining about having to do this. Just get it done and deal with it. To blow off some steam, the red team begins to walk the runway. 

Please never do this again, Kimmie. 

Meanwhile, the men are at Rosenthal Estate in Malibu where they are having lunch and tasting different wines. Patrick mentions that he lived in Napa for a little while and then throws out bunch of wine tasting cliches. The wine count is up to eight glasses. Guy tells us that he’s half baked. If you really are just wine tasting, you’re not going to get half baked. They really don’t give you much wine when you’re tasting it. You’re eating as well. In those eight wines they’ve tried, they’ve all probably consumed one full glass. Royce tells us how nice it is to be out of the kitchen for a day. Then he gives a “genuine hug” from himself to the entire world.

Bad touch! Bad touch!

Back at the restaurant, Tiffany is farting. That pretty much sums it up. In the right context, farts and fart jokes are pretty funny. However, it is not funny to be stuck around someone with gas if you can’t leave the room. Tiffany begins snorting with laughter at her on flatulence. Kimmie is still pissed at Robyn and the blue team returning in good spirits just makes it worse. She starts saying things like “stupid bitch” under her breath. Now, I hate being on Robyn’s side. However, if Kimmie truly has a problem with her, maybe she should talk to her like an adult instead of making little comments.

When they get back to the dorm, Robyn is tells everyone that she’s pissed at Kimmie because she told Gordon that Robyn said no to everything. She did say no to everything. We all watched it happen. Don’t try to deny it, Robyn. It’s all on tape! Dana interviews that someone as big as Kimmie should be able to stand up for herself. Yes, because physical size has everything to do with actual confidence. Fat people are never allowed to be shy. Robyn then tells the camera that Kimmie never takes fault for anything…except in the last episode when she took responsibility for the meat and the fish being on the same tray. I think you have Kimmie confused with yourself, Robyn. 

The next morning, Clemenza is up at 5:15. He decides that everyone else needs to be up as well. He rationalizes that they it’s his dish on the menu so everyone needs to be up early so it’s perfect. His dish is on the dinner menu. They have at least 12 hours before it will be served. He doesn’t need that much time. Yesterday’s challenge proved that the dish can be prepared in 30 minutes. I take back everything nice I said about Clemenza this episode. He’s being a real dick. 

In the red kitchen, Robyn is trying to talk to Kimmie about what happened yesterday. I find myself on Kimmie’s side once again. She says she doesn’t want to talk about and just move on. Honestly, I think Kimmie is right. In the kitchen prepping for dinner is not the time nor the place to talk about personal issues. Finally, Kimmie leaves the kitchen and Robyn, not taking the hint, follows her.

Kimmie Smash!

The Hulk reference was Moli’s joke from her comment on the minicap, but it’s just too good not to use. Kimmie continues to take her anger out on the punching bag. I really wish she would hit Robyn. I think she would be totally justified. I don’t think a jury in the world would convict her of assault once they meet Robyn. 

Gordon comes into the kitchen and immediately singles out Robyn. “I need to see a bit of…” Robyn guesses that he wants to see excitement. Nope. He wants to see consistency from her. Then he even recognizes that Robyn screwed everything up for the red team at the earlier challenge. Right now, I love Gordon more than I ever have. The chefs gather together for some final instructions from Gordon. The first catwalk will take place before the appetizers are served. After they’re served, another catwalk will happen. When that is finished, the entrees will be served. Timing is essential tonight more so than it’s ever been. Kimmie and Royce will be helping to plate tonight because everything needs to look perfect. 

Clemenza immediately starts cooking scallops. Gordon yells at him to stop. The restaurant isn’t even open yet. Four portions of scallops have no been wasted. How did he cook them if no one has even ordered them? With this, the episode is over.

Why is this so difficult for everyone? 

So there you have it. An episode filled with more drama than actual cooking. It looks like the next episode will include even more creepiness from Brian. It also looks like there will be some cheating done as well as the usual terrible cooking. BlueCanary should have a good time with that one!