Brian and Christina are up first. Brian is apprehensive because he trained for this portion of the competition, but didn’t expect to do it with a coating of wing sauce on his tongue. I see what you did, Gordon, and I can’t decide whether that’s hilarious or diabolical.
Gordon feeds them beets, shallot, turkey, and pineapple. They both get the beets and pineapple, miss the shallots, and Brian gets the turkey right, while Christina thinks it was tofu. Oh, what the hell, Christina? You kick copious amounts of ass all the time, yet have moments like this?
Barbie and Robyn are next. Robyn is excited to compete against Barbie because she loves seeing her defeated. Right, Robyn, because you’ve always done much better than Barbie on this show. When Robyn says grits is rice and Barbie says it’s cauliflower, Kimmie doesn’t know what to think. Now that the challenge is in full swing, she thinks she could kick ass at it and is regretting her decision to sideline herself.
Too late now.
Turnips turns into pears and carrots respectively, sea bass is halibut to Robyn and crab to Barbie. Cilantro becomes tarragon in Robyn’s mouth, but Barbie gets that one right, and Robyn can just suck it with her zero points. At least Barbie got one point, and that was with a burning mouth. When Gordon asks her how she confused grits for cauliflower, she throws a “don’t taste like the grits I make at home” over her shoulder. I love Barbie more and more with every episode.
It all tastes like wings right now, anyway.
Clemenza and Tiffany are up next, and both think lamb is chicken. JFC, those two things couldn’t be more different. Tiffany guesses carrots for sweet potato, which is at least another orange vegetable—unlike mango, which is what Clemenza thinks it is. My God. He then defies all stereotypes and yells out “turnips!” around a mouthful of eggplant. This floors everyone, especially Brian, who can’t believe that an Italian person would mistake eggplant for anything else.
Sorry, Clemenza, you must now hand in your Fat Italian Stereotype membership card.
Tiffany says the eggplant is green beans, but mentions that it tastes more like soggy diaper. My two-year-old immediately starts yelling “soggy diaper, soggy diaper!” at the TV. Holy living fuck, he’s emulating Tiffany. I can no longer watch this mess in his presence.
Walnuts turn to peanuts for Clemenza, but Tiffany bucks tradition and actually gets it right. How is it that the people who ate the wings have out-tasted everyone who didn’t? Is wing sauce a new kind of sports bar palate cleanser, on par with pickled ginger?
Now Dana and Justin are up, and it all comes down to them. Their first sample is scallops, which every bitch on this show should know in their sleep. Justin nails it, but Dana says it’s tofu. Wrong, Dana—tofu bears no resemblance to penis. Barbie wouldn’t have missed that one, I guarantee it. They both get figs and radish right, and the score is tied. The final challenge is something called a sunchoke. I don’t know what the fuck that is without asking Wikipedia, so I did, and I’m pleased to inform you that “sunchoke” is a term for Jerusalem artichoke, a species of sunflower, the tuber of which is used as an ingredient in Gordon’s risotto. Aren’t you glad you know that now, and don’t you just love Wikipedia?