Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Tasteless

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Wednesday, July 18, 2012 | 1:00 pm | 18 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hell's Kitchen, Recaps

Brian and Christina are up first. Brian is apprehensive because he trained for this portion of the competition, but didn’t expect to do it with a coating of wing sauce on his tongue. I see what you did, Gordon, and I can’t decide whether that’s hilarious or diabolical.

Maybe both?

Gordon feeds them beets, shallot, turkey, and pineapple. They both get the beets and pineapple, miss the shallots, and Brian gets the turkey right, while Christina thinks it was tofu. Oh, what the hell, Christina? You kick copious amounts of ass all the time, yet have moments like this?

Barbie and Robyn are next. Robyn is excited to compete against Barbie because she loves seeing her defeated. Right, Robyn, because you’ve always done much better than Barbie on this show. When Robyn says grits is rice and Barbie says it’s cauliflower, Kimmie doesn’t know what to think. Now that the challenge is in full swing, she thinks she could kick ass at it and is regretting her decision to sideline herself.

Too late now. 

Turnips turns into pears and carrots respectively, sea bass is halibut to Robyn and crab to Barbie. Cilantro becomes tarragon in Robyn’s mouth, but Barbie gets that one right, and Robyn can just suck it with her zero points. At least Barbie got one point, and that was with a burning mouth. When Gordon asks her how she confused grits for cauliflower, she throws a “don’t taste like the grits I make at home” over her shoulder. I love Barbie more and more with every episode.

It all tastes like wings right now, anyway.

Clemenza and Tiffany are up next, and both think lamb is chicken. JFC, those two things couldn’t be more different. Tiffany guesses carrots for sweet potato, which is at least another orange vegetable—unlike mango, which is what Clemenza thinks it is. My God. He then defies all stereotypes and yells out “turnips!” around a mouthful of eggplant. This floors everyone, especially Brian, who can’t believe that an Italian person would mistake eggplant for anything else.

Sorry, Clemenza, you must now hand in your Fat Italian Stereotype membership card.

Tiffany says the eggplant is green beans, but mentions that it tastes more like soggy diaper. My two-year-old immediately starts yelling “soggy diaper, soggy diaper!” at the TV. Holy living fuck, he’s emulating Tiffany. I can no longer watch this mess in his presence.

Walnuts turn to peanuts for Clemenza, but Tiffany bucks tradition and actually gets it right. How is it that the people who ate the wings have out-tasted everyone who didn’t? Is wing sauce a new kind of sports bar palate cleanser, on par with pickled ginger?

Now Dana and Justin are up, and it all comes down to them. Their first sample is scallops, which every bitch on this show should know in their sleep. Justin nails it, but Dana says it’s tofu. Wrong, Dana—tofu bears no resemblance to penis. Barbie wouldn’t have missed that one, I guarantee it. They both get figs and radish right, and the score is tied. The final challenge is something called a sunchoke. I don’t know what the fuck that is without asking Wikipedia, so I did, and I’m pleased to inform you that “sunchoke” is a term for Jerusalem artichoke, a species of sunflower, the tuber of which is used as an ingredient in Gordon’s risotto. Aren’t you glad you know that now, and don’t you just love Wikipedia?

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

18 Comments

  1. 1
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Kimmie, Kimmie, Kimme. Geez, girl, grow a pair. How is it that she can get all in your face confrontational, yet she’s scared of challenges? She keeps offering to sit out then stands on the sidelines muttering about how she could have done better. Then stop sitting out!

    I love how nothing fazes Barbie. Call her names,get in her face, and she just keeps on rolling. The drama never seems to affect her food, which is the mark of a solid chef.

    And Tiffany is just nasty. Please let me NEVER eat anywhere she’s worked. Or eaten. Or been anywhere near.

  2. 2
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Fun fact: my local Walmart sells sunchokes. Raw, they make as passable substitute for water chestnuts.

  3. 3
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    When is competitive eating going to be an Olympic sport? Joey Chestnut represents everything that is wrong with America according to the protesters who gathered when he came to my town to compete against frat boys in a hamburger-eating contest at a local university sponsored by a regional fast food chain headquartered in the area. He stood for the wastefulness of capitalism and the social injustice against the struggle of starving masses in exploited, underdeveloped nations. I decided right then that he is my most favorite athlete in the whole world, and it pisses me off that he was not shown the same level of respect and adoration in Hell’s Kitchen that was lavished on David Beckham.

  4. 4
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    But, but, but….it was David (cue rainbows and unicorns) Beckham! Even lesbians think he’s hot!

  5. 5
    michkabibbles
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    @crankyguy-i don’t really understand the reasoning that eating competitions are an american mark of overconsumption-wasn’t there a while when all the champions were skinny japanese guys?

    i have to say i love the faces that barbie makes. she’s so expressive of her complete derision of every other person there.

  6. 6
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    @ michkabibbles, pound for pound, that skinny Japanese dude is a greater champion than even my beloved Joey Chestnut. I was just relating what the protesters said, but I never claimed that they made any sense. They may have been associated with some radical vegetarian group, and possibly it was the hamburgers that set them off.

  7. 7
    michkabibbles
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    @crankyguy-i definitely got the sarcasm in your post! :) i just didn’t understand the general public mentality relating eating contests to american materialism. especially since the japanese can outeat us all. i watched a hot dog eating contest on tv once, and saw a bit on someones training regimen (i hate to keep using the term skinny japanese guy, but i don’t remember his name)-it was kind of intense.
    i don’t eat a lot of beef myself, but i can well understand how the smell could cause a riot.

    the most wings i’ve ever eating in one sitting is 20, which i consider pretty good considering i had carbs for lunch that day.

  8. 8
    Leto
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    The mussels thing with barbie would have pissed me of too, BUT it better be no frakking sand inside those, unless she’d like to be burned by Gordon. She was right to do it right rather than fast. The smoke break was a little too much though.

    Kimmie’s lack of self confidence is really worse and worse, that’s too bad for her.

    Christina is definetly my pony right now. And Dana still reminds me of Nellie Oleson. That woman scares me. Tiffany still is digusting, Robyn still is a crazy bitch, Brian still is funny, and Clemenza still is messy. Justin is getting annoying though, I hope he won’t fill the vacant “douchebag” seat Royce just left.

    And I really don’t get the eating competitions. Not against, just don’t get the point of it.^^

  9. 9
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    If Tiffany keeps making the face she did in the first photo of her, we should make her the mascot of Gordon Ramsay Pork!

  10. 10
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    It was sooooo weird watching Tiffany and Ramsey to that ‘passion play’ at the end there. I paraphrase:

    ‘I’m so PASSIONATE about the food! I am so PASSIONATE about winning this and working for you-u-u!’ sniffle sniffle sob sob

    ‘I know you are but you just aren’t there yet!’ Ramsey responds gently

    When ALL we’ve seen from Tiffany when Gordon isn’t looking (and even sometimes when he is) is ‘I don’t give a shit, whatever’.

    That whole last moment was such a disconnect.

    Side note: Is there some curse upon the name ‘Clemenza’? Because every real or fictional person I’ve ever seen named ‘Clemenza’ has been an enormous mouthbreather. I don’t hate them for that, it’s just a weird observation.

    Great recap.

  11. 11
    annie Annie
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    lmfao at that first picture of Tiffany! I can’t even finish reading the rest without making a comment!

    hahah Im cracking up over here

  12. 12
    Pikey
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    “Tiffany says the eggplant is green beans, but mentions that it tastes more like soggy diaper.” This is a great line, don’t get me wrong. But I would love to know (well, not really) how Tiffany knows what a soggy diaper tastes like…

    Still on team Barbie and Justin – would love to see Robyn leave next.

    Thanks again for the great recaps!!

  13. 13
    Samantha
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 6:15 am

    I’m actually rooting for Justin/Brian’s bromance. They seriously crack me up! I guess we can call them Brustin.

    I used to be a huge Kimmie fan but she needs to get a backbone and quit the bitching.

    I say the top two will be Justin (who is obviously a serious contender considering these past 2 episodes we actually got to see him talk) and Christina.

    Dana annoys me because she always looks high, and don’t even get me started on Robyn! Seeing her face just makes my stomach turn.

  14. 14
    NateB
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Anyone else notice throughout the season that everytime shes in the interview room, Dana is yelling? Whats with that?

  15. 15
    kloewent
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 11:17 am

    why is it on cooking shows that really fat guys are always slobs?? Have seen it repeatedly on here, Top Chef, etc. They always seem covered in crap and their workstations are filthy. ICK!!!

  16. 16
    SuburBint
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

    @ Andyourlittledogtoo — Tiffany totally cares! She cares a great big whopping 9 out of ten.

    Kinda makes you wonder how she handles the things she only cares a 5 or 6 about…. That girl can half-ass doing something half-assed.

  17. 17
    LAC LAC
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Ok, I am weird – I find Justin, rat tail included, kind of cute. I guess it is just the wall of fugly that I am being hit with on this show this season.

  18. 18
    Samantha
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    @LAC you’re not the only one. I find Justin surprisingly cute. But the rat tail has got to go!

    Brian would be cute if he wasn’t so weird.

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