Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Welcome to America

The Blue team has Clemenza on the New York-style pizza station, and he’s raring to go because his family owns a pizza place in New York. So of course he immediately undercooks the first pizza.

Where do they find these fucking people?

Barbie must be on a smoke break, because the Red kitchen is sending out one successful entree after another. The men are panicking, especially after a plate of RAWR sliders hit the window, courtesy of Brian. The diners are getting impatient; they clearly haven’t been in the country long enough to catch any of the previous HK seasons, and Patrick has to pick up that slack. Patrick seems like one of the only sane ones in the place. So far.

Anyway, the ladies finish first, and Gordon sends them over to commandeer the Blue kitchen. This doesn’t go over, but they essentially tell the men to shut it and manage to get the rest of the food out. Gordon calls for one of the men to step up and lead the team, and Patrick immediately volunteers. Okay, maybe he’a not so sane after all, but he’s probably the strongest choice. Better than Royce, anyhow.

The guys get to go work as lumberjacks, while the ladies get to head down to San Diego in a private jet, to go on safari! Rocking out with their cocks out, according to Kimmie. Stay classy, Kimmie, you’re doing Memphis proud. Sorry for spelling your name wrong all last week, by the by.

Now if you’ve never been to San Diego, you might be making a confused face about the whole safari thing, but San Diego is home to an awesome wild animal park, which is totally worth a jet ride. After getting licked by some giraffes, they sit down to lunch and Gordon makes everyone promise to finish dinner service next time. Let’s see how well that one holds up. Barbie takes advantage of the magnanimous atmosphere to apologize for acting like an asshole and waking everyone up that morning, and even Gordon is surprised she went there. Robyn doesn’t believe a word of the apology, because of course she doesn’t.

Patrick is telling this group of jokers to work smart, not hard. Easier said than done with this crowd, Paddy. But they get the tree torn down and head back from that mysteriously pointless task. I really don’t get it. Will they have to incorporate the tree into dinner somehow? Would anyone really be surprised?

Two minutes on the sauteed tree bark with lobster, chef!

Back in the kitchen, Patrick is trying to lead prep, but Royce is getting an attitude. He certainly doesn’t need anyone to tell him how best to fuck things up. He does a fine job of that one his own, thank you. I could personally do without Royce at this point–nothing quite grates on my nerves like a whiny, over-sensitive, grown-ass man.

As service approaches, tensions run high, and Royce and Patrick continue to butt heads. Gordon announces that James is sick of apologizing to customers. May I suggest a different line of work, James? Or at least a different restaurant? I mean, you know what you’re in for by this point when you walk in that door, right? Anyhow, Gordon pulls Tiffany and Don to wait tables this service. Ok, I can see how the Blue kitchen will run the same with or without Don, but Tiffany?? One of the most consistent yet highly abrasive people on the show, and you’re having her wait tables? Great plan, Gordon. If this restaurant wasn’t a total gimmick, it would’ve been shut down in its first month.

Because he’s a special kind of prick, Gordon makes a call to Royce’s boss, a former HK contestant, and puts Royce on the phone for a talking-to. If he fails here, does he get fired there, too?

The dining room is booked solid again, and the clientele includes several tables of firefighters and military officers. Because what better way to show our appreciation for their service to our country than by presenting them with some half-cooked bullshit an hour after their asses have gone numb from the wait? Semper fi, boys. Now, go fuck yourselves.