Hollywood Exes Recap: After the Aftermath

Nicole is at Mayte’s house to discuss the Jessica/Mayte fiasco. Nicole tells Mayte ,Jessica is upset and tells Mayte that she understands both sides of the story. Nicole tells Mayte that she thought the whole thing was inappropriate. Mayte pauses and says off camera “Inappropriate? I’m not the one bragging about having abortions!” HOLD THE PHONE!!!!! Jessica is now bragging about having an abortion? Did we miss that episode? This is a woman who had vagina rejuvenation on camera, but we never heard her bragging about having an abortion. Mayte! Check your meds! Nicole tells Mayte ”Jessica has reasons for her abortion and maybe you need to discuss this with her.” Mayte says No. “I will not apologize to her and we are done.” She also denies throwing the glass at Jessica. She admits to throwing it, but just not at Jessica. As we said last week, the latina temper is fierce but not rational. 

 What glass?

Nicole is meeting with dress designer Camille Flawless to sort through her modeling photos. Now Miss Camille Flawless may make beautiful dresses, but she will forever now be named the beast cuz this meeting was truly the remake of the remake of The Beauty and the Beast. Christ! It shocked us into silence. Nicole’s photos are of course BEAUTIFUL! At least the beast has good taste. The beast tells Nicole she will have a billboard AND will be on the cover of Vogue magazine! The beast tells Nicole that she doesn’t have 18 year olds that could put out photos this great…. Way to go Nicole! Not bad for someone who’s 1/2 of 80!

Sheree is meeting Jessica in the park because she feels that nobody is stepping up to get things resolved so she volunteers to be the “therapist”. She asks Jessica if she feels any responsibility to what happened. Jessica says no. “I’ve apologized and reached out to her. What else am I supposed to do?” Good question Jessica. Sheree tells Jessica “you are not the victim here. I want you to try to connect to Mayte’s pain.” Jessica tells Sheree “can’t we just leave this alone?” So now BOTH Mayte and Jessica have told the ladies to let it go. VH1 has a strict contract though, they never let anything go. 

I’m felling a lil ashy 

Drea and her gay bf Percy, are out to dinner and Percy wants to get closer…. Drea informs us that her vagina pleads the fifth. So does ours, unless we are drunk. He wants to really commit and Drea tells him he is scaring her. UGH! Wasn’t Drea complaining the first half of the season that she wanted a man? Now she has one and she doesn’t want him. Story of our fucking lives but reversed! Talk about bi-polar Drea.

Sheree is meeting  Mayte now for her therapy session. Mayte shows up to the restaurant wearing a wedding ring. WTF Mayte? you’re another one who wants a baby daddy so why you got a ring on? Sheree immediately makes her take it off. Therapy topic #1 done. During the meal the ladies get a text from Jessica inviting everyone to a Polo match on Sunday. All the ladies got an invite and Mayte snarkily throws out “you think my invite was an accident?” Ohh pretty Mayte, you’re the only one ignoring things. Sheree texts Jessica back and asks if she meant to invite Mayte. Jessica confirms that she was indeed invited on purpose. Sheree is out because Duh, it’s Sunday and she’s gotta drive to San Diego and attend church. Nicole’s in and now the question is will Mayte attend? We need to stop and give a shout out to the restaurant the were eating. Villa Blanca! I hope they said hello to Lisa Vanderpump or at least Giggy!

Wrong number! Delete!

Jessica and Nicole are in a limo on their way to Vegas to check out Nicole’s billboard. Nicole has no idea which photo will be used and is nervous. The beast is in Russia and can’t be there for the unveiling, but the assistant tells them the billboard is up so turn around and go find it. What is this a fucking Easter egg hunt? The 2 start walking down the road, champagne in hand to find a billboard. Jessica spots it first and Nicole is thrilled! 

What’s better than Nicole Murphy? A billboard of Nicole Murphy

Now the moment we have all been waiting for in this series. Mayte going to therapy. Finally. I guess Dr. Michelle didn’t cut it with the producers because we’ve never seen this chick before. Mayte tells the Doctor about her dead baby and tells her that Jessica had an abortion and she’s upset. “When someone’s talking about their abortion, maybe they’re not thinking about you.” WOW! and she gets paid for this? Crap, can Mayte just read our recaps and pay us? The Doctor tells Mayte what she wants to hear “you are a mom who lost a child.”  The fog lifts and angels sing. Mayte is truly happy at this statement. “Wow, no one has ever said that to me before. I’m a mom and Moms don’t act out.” Says who Mayte? Haven’t you ever seen Mama Drama? Way to promote your own channel. 

Sheree is in the kitchen making a big ol pot of whoop ash. The husband is shocked she knows where the kitchen is in his house. She is taking matters into her own hands and needs to make 2,000 jars. Get the church assembly line ready!!!! Just don’t tell them to inhale because it STINKS! Ummmm It’s not stinky, it’s mango! 

The polo match is on and so Jessica and Nicole are getting their drink on. Jessica tells the camera “Sheree is in church and nobody else R.S.V.P’d” They seem to be having a good time when who walks in?! MAYTE AND DREA. BOM BOM BOMMMM. Nicole sees them and says “Well, Well, Well.” We said the same thing. Mayte tells the camera she hopes Jessica’s invite was sincere and is truly reaching out to her. She tells the ladies a different story though. She says she showed up because she loves horses. Way to reach out there Mayte. They eat, drink, watch Polo, make small talk. Blah Blah Blah…. They are invited to stomp the divets at half time. Mayte is looking around for Richard Gere. News flash Mayte he wants a hooker, or a gerbil. AND way to bring it all back to Prince!!!!! I Just want you’re extra time and your …..KISS!

Jessica asks if she can talk to Mayte alone. Here we go! Put away the Prince china and breakables. Jessica tells Mayte she’s been really upset and sad. She hates that Mayte hasn’t reached out to her. Jessica then puts her hoof in her mouth and says ” I’m trying to be the better, bigger person.”

I’m better than you.

Mayte doesn’t take this too kindly. “Hold up! you’re the bigger person? I’m the one who showed up in a hat and all cute.” If being cute was a valid argument, Mayte, then Jessica Simpson would win the next Presidential debate. They decide the conversation can wait until another day, and for now, are friends again.

Well that’s it Gasmi. Stay tuned to next week where we think it’s the last show? Nothing has been confirmed or denied but Wikipedia says only 10 episodes were made, and you know how reliable Wikipedia is.