Hollywood Exes Recap: Let’s Go Crazy!

Hellloooo Gasmi! Welcome to week 8, yes week 8, of Hollywood Exes. This shit has gotten good, and by good we mean these women have gone crazy!

We start the show with Drea and Percy, her new man (btw totally gay) discussing the previous weeks venture to Palm Springs. Drea tells him all about the Drama, and he is enthralled! (See gay) Anywhoooo, Drea tries to explain to Percy about Jessica. She says “love the girl, but the mouth is off the meter.” Finally something we can relate to Drea with! We all have those friends that are given passes for their mouths just because “well that’s just her.” Mrs. Ex-R. Kelly is fed up to here with it. 

Moving on Percy wants to talk about taking their relationship to the next level. Hmmm is the next level sex? we think so too. 

So we talking 2nd or 3rd base

It’s a ladies lunch, and we use that term loosely, between Sheree and Jessica. They are ready to apologize for what happened in Palm Springs. Jessica starts off by fully admitting what she said to Sheree was out of line.

Sheree accepts her apology, thanks her, and tells Jessica she said a few things that “she didn’t feel good about later”. You mean like when you pointed in Jessica’s face and told America she had an abortion?

 In the off-screen confession Sheree says that things can be better between her and Jessica, but there will still be a scar. ” You can forgive, but you still remember” how Christian of you Sheree.  

Sheree tells Jessica that she is so happy they got together and that friendships go through this sometimes. Jessica tells Sheree that she wanted to get together away from everyone else to deal with their issues…this is all important for later.

At this point we are thinking “oh great, here they go. Back to being mature, classy, grown up ladies we watched for the first 7 episodes”…then Jessica tells Sheree the bible is very vague. THANK  YOU JESUS!!!! Sheree almost poops herself.

Jessica explains that the bible talks about slavery.  She states that in Leviticus it says you can own slaves. Sheree tries very hard to get out of this discussion by telling Jessica she should talk to her husband (the pastor) about this, but does tell Jessica ” that you can’t take their meaning and turn it into today’s issues.”

At which point, Jessica the PH.D. informs Sheree that “it does say we can possess Mexicans, just not Canadians.” UMMMMM WTF?! Who’s bible?! The Mitt Romney Bible?! Ladies and gentlemen of Gasmi, we have heard and seen some ridiculous things on reality Tv, but this absolutely goes into the Top 5 stupidest things EVER SAID even for VH1.

Free to possess everywhere but Arizona 

Sheree changes the subject and offers Jessica some of her lunch.  Jessica says no, but changes her mind when Sheree tells her it’s crab… Christ, not the crab argument again? Let’s get back to the Mexican and Canadian discussion. 

I’m too polite to possess, eh. 

 On the other side of town Nicole is meeting with her realtor Bob. Side note, Nicole is wearing a very side-booby top, and we love it…On Kim Z of RHOA absolutely not, on Nicole we totally dig it! They are looking at a house that once was owned by Judy Garland! YAY!!!! Not enough references to Judy these days in our opinion. The house is gorgeous! Nicole is not crazy with the house per se, but the view….. well, it’s like looking at Ryan Gosling everyday forever. Get it done Bob.

Click your heels together Dorothy, you’re home.

 It’s time for some Mayte screen time, and she’s thinking about her future. She wants to get some information on freezing her eggs. She is seeing a fertility specialist to discuss the process.

We learn that Mayte has lost 2 babies… 2?! When did this happen? All we knew was her guilt over 1 dead baby. Another one is an interesting development.

The doctor tells her that she will have to do daily shots (we are out) for 8-10 days (so out) and when she’s good and fertile they go and collect the eggs.

He tells her “some people chose to fertilize the eggs with a sperm source, and freeze them”. Umm doc, not to be rude here, but if she had a sperm source  to fertilize her eggs now, she wouldn’t need you. The doctor starts talking doctor language and Mayte’s all confused. Our translation, The doctor  tells her she’s old and she’s only got maybe a  50/50 chance for a kid.  

You’re lips are moving but I hear nothing

Nicole is getting a permanent makeup tatoo on her eyebrows at Jessica’s office. She claims as she gets older they are less symetrical. We think this is a gratuitous plug for Jessica’s business because if Nicole needs work, Oh lawd kill us now. While Nicole is in the chair she receives the phone call from the realtor that she got the house! Congrats Nicole! 

Sheree, Mayte, and Drea are meeting for happy hour. Mayte tells the girls about her visit with the doctor, and Mayte shares that when she left the doctor’s office she saw a family on the street. She describes a very lovely family moment between a father and a daughter, and then the crazy train arrives….. Mayte says that the little girl, of that loving family, was looking at and reaching for HER the whole time. OMG! Lock up your kids L.A.  Sheree feels really bad for Mayte, but Sheree’s kid is older so she doesn’t have to worry.

Drea changes the subject to the infamous Palm Springs trip. Drea admits that if Jessica hadn’t used the word hypocrite so many times she wouldn’t have been annoyed. Oh, ok Drea! Yeah, is that your story now? We’re not letting you off the hook either for starting the abortion conversation.

They all pat themselves on the back for how well they all behaved. You know, no one was beaten or used the F bomb, although someone’s deepest darkest secret was revealed to America, but come on give these bitches some credit. Sheree tells the girls about her meeting with Jessica. Sheree explains that Jessica was there to apologize for her actions not defend her actions. Sheree actually gives Jessica some credit here for being responsible and having some ownership.

Mayte, still on the crazy train, decides to tell the ladies how offended she was by Jessica. MAYTE, IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU! Apparently though, Mayte now knowing Jessica had an abortion, wakes up every morning sad. Paging Dr. Zoloft, Dr. Zoloft you are needed on VH1.

the no Jessica’s allowed club

Mayte says she is hurt, sad, and angry. Ok, isn’t that the quiz on an anti-depression commercial? Does she not watch daytime TV, and see herself is the ads? Sheree is no help because she thinks Jessica has been super insensitive towards Mayte, knowing that Mayte desperately wants a baby and Jessica is all “yeah I had an abortion so?”

Hey, Sheree? The only people bringing up the abortion are you three. Sheree then says that Mayte should have a conversation with Jessica “and have her girls around so things don’t get too out of control.” Drea is nodding her head up and down so hard, her brain might turn to butter. She’s obviously excited about this meeting. Way to start a shit storm without really starting a shit storm, ladies. Do you think Sheree called Drea later and asked her if she wanted to bring the popcorn to the show or should she?

Speaking of Jessica, she is walking on the beach with her daughter talking to her about life decisions. Josie had mentioned Planned Parenthood a few episodes back, and Jessica does not want Josie to hear about her abortion from anyone else but her.

Wait a minute? Is this a moment of good parenting on a reality television? Excuse us as we have a moment of silence so we can mentally process this…. Ok moment done. Jessica tells her daughter that when she was in high school she got pregnant. She and the boyfriend went to a back alley clinic to have the abortion. She was scared, sad, and felt alone (sound familiar) Jessica says after the abortion she had many complications including miscarriages. All we can think is “where the hell is Mayte for this conversation?”  

We have a lot of respect for Jessica right now. This is not an easy conversation, and she handled it well. Jessica cries stating ” I tried so hard with you, and I’m sorry if I’m not a good mom”. Josie reassures her she’s done a good job.  Jessica then brings it around full circle by adding “your poor dad. We have each other and he has no one.”

Oh Jessica, we’d bet the farm that Jose is not sleeping alone. 

The more you know!

All the girls are getting together and Mayte tells the camera she is not excited to see Jessica.

Nicole is hungry and wants to order some food.

Sheree snidely asks Jessica if she can eat ceviche. UGH not this again.

Nicole is talking to Jessica about prosciutto and Mayte says ” I am so sick of the small talk!” Say what now?! Excuse me Mayte prosciutto is delicious and needs to be discussed at length. We, digress, Nicole’s eyes get bigger than her perfect boobies and she looks really really shocked. Mayte tells Jessica “the whole abortion thing has been bothering me. I’ve lost two children, and you’ve been so nonchalant about this.”

Jessica, apologizes and says “I didn’t know you were so affected by this. I tried to contact you to talk about this, but you never responded.”  

The camera pans to Drea and Sheree, who seem to be looking everywhere but at the table they are sitting.

Nicole jumps in and asks Mayte if she is opposed to abortion. Mayte says “no, some people are on medications have health issues.” Jessica says “so it’s ok for them just not for me.” Mayte says Jessica’s abortion has opened some wounds. Jessica says “that’s interesting. I tried to talk to you about this and you never responded.” Mayte says “I’d have a 15-year-old right now! There is nothing to talk about!” Hello, sanity has left the table.

Jessica tells Mayte she is taking this too far and she has issues…..Now we all know the latina temper. You never tell a Latina she has issues if you want to keep living.

Drea mumbles “this is insane” and Jessica then says the three magic words to Mayte ”you are crazy.”  Drea tells Jessica to stop, but Jessica is too into it now. “You are a little loco” Mayte is giving her the crazy eyes and tells her to “keep fucking going.” Jessica tells her to “go home if you don’t want to be here.”

Folks, we’d like to know why nobody at the table is stopping this disaster? At what point to grown ass women say “enough?” Sheree got to have a grown up conversation with Jessica (kind of) why can’t  they offer Mayte the same courtesy.

Jessica orders a drink and Mayte is fuming!!!!! 

Caption says it all

Jessica hears her and tells Mayte to “calm down.” Mayte is doing everything but calm down. She stands up and launches a glass across the table.

Drea jumps up faster than a Springer body-guard, grabs Mayte and pushes Mayte to the penalty box. Mayte says “Fuck you, I’m out!”

Nicole is amazed that it has gotten this far “this is ridiculous!” Nicole is cleaning the glass off herself and says to Jessica “she couldn’t have thrown this shit on your ass?” Ha Nicole! Holla…

Sheree looks stunned  but then tells Jessica “no one knows what it’s like to lose a child.” Dear Sheree, We hope you watched the clip of Jessica telling Josie she had miscarriages. Jessica just keeps saying “I apologized.” Nicole agrees as well ” how many times does she have to say she’s sorry?” Jessica adds that “Mayte didn’t bring all this up because she was ready to talk about it, but only to hurt me.” Stop the presses. Another golden moment for Jessica. That’s two in one episode. The world is surely ending.

Sheree joins Mayte and Drea in the penalty box. Drea says “My opinion of Jessica has changed. That shit is dangerous. Be mature.” Really Drea? Where is your opinion on Mayte’s drink throwing? Wasting liquor is seriously uncalled for. 

Jessica decides to leave. Sheree condones Mayte’s behavior. Drea is angry. Mayte crazy cries, and Nicole thinks “This is just some bullshit!” 

Well what do ya’ll think? Time to talk it out… keep your liquor in your glass, please.