Hollywood Exes Recap: Wine us, dine us and…

Hello folks! We’re back for another week of Hollywood Exes with our fingers crossed for some good drama. We have watched reality TV for a lot of years and know that producers LOVE their drama so surely there will be some weave-pulling action happening soon, right? We hope so because so far this show has felt more like a series of music videos…

We open with Nicole talking to Dan, her lawyer, about her lawsuit. Some people stole money out of her trust and she is suing them. Good for her, we hope she gets them all and makes them pay then sics her HUGE fiance on them!

I’m gonna git you sucka!

Mayte and Sheree go to visit Andrea to tell her all about Jessica’s latest dilemma. Jose is moving to Boston.

They call Nicole to invite her on the girl trip and her answer, “Who is that?” Once they mentioned a private jet to Napa, she was all caught up and ready to go. They make a toast to “Good endings and happy beginnings.” We usually just toast to happy endings, but us poor people have to find it however we can. 

Time to get on the private jet. Andrea is already starting to “wig all the way out.” Don’t tease us Andrea- who’s gonna get you out of your wig? Oh, just the plane. Dangit!

Please, God, don’t let me poop on myself

Yay, God!

Mayte asks who has flown private before. Jessica remains quiet, you know Jose was not taking her with him anywhere- he needed his freedom to cheat and shoot his roids. Mayte never flew with Prince- she flew with the crew so she’s relatively new to private jets.  Nicole always flew private with Eddie but after the divorce that gravy train, er plane, ended and she flies commercial now and her kids “have the best of both worlds.” Translation, she lets them go slumming in first class every once in a while and peak at the dirty people through the curtain. Sheree reminds the ladies that she was married to “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and not Will Smith so she did not get the perks he gets now. The conversation gets interrupted by some turbulence- we thought private jets were immune, who knew?!

Andrea’s crying again. Not because she wants to dance, but because she wants to live.

Sheree and Mayte are praying, Andrea’s crying, Nicole is laughing, and Jessica’s drinking. The flight levels out and Andrea’s “get you right” drink gets her right and they’re all ready to hear about their trip. What else is there to do in Napa besides drink?  Andrea is looking for her “swirl.” What are her qualifications? They must be white and have a “baby arm.”

Gimme five and we’re not talking inches

We flinched at the thought of Mayte bringing up her dead baby but so far so good. Somebody change the subject, quick!  Jessica likes the brothers and Andrea likes them light so their ready for the hunt.

They land without incident  and arrive at the hotel.

 Just like Motel 6, they left the light on!

Everything about the area is gorgeous. The hotel, the view, the rooms… that’s the life. Now they’re off to dinner. And what happens when you have dinner with Sheree? If you’re with Sheree, then you must pray. She does ask if anyone else would like to offer the prayer. We totally would have said yes and recited the prayer we said every night before dinner growing up. God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food. Amen. Forget all those fancy prayers, God likes it when we rhyme.

Out walks the chef and what!?! It’s our favorite, sexy Master Chef, Michael Chiarello!

Get back on Bravo!

 Drea’s found her swirl and might be moving to Napa very soon. Do they have a Millenium in Napa Valley?  She throws out the challenge that she knows more in the sack than any woman on the planet. Jessica takes that challenge and squirts it back in her face. Now we can’t be 100% sure she said ‘squirting’, but we were pretty awesome at hangman back in the day and the look on the other ladies’ faces kind of said it all. Sheree especially was taken aback- she wants to know what man would find this attractive. Jessica tries to insinuate that a preacher wouldn’t be making the right moves and Sheree actually curses! She apologizes profusely and will pray about it more, we’re sure.

The sex talk allows Jessica to turn the conversation to Jose. The ladies give Jessica some good advice on how to deal with the douchebag. They think he should be the one to tell Josie about his move to Boston and step up and be a man. They want her to call him the next day while they are all there for moral support. You know, just when we think this show is getting good and shallow, these women do or say things so rational and coherent that we can’t make fun of them.

Jessica does call Jose. He must have contractual obligations to the show because we haven’t had a show yet with out him in it. Jessica puts her foot down and says he must call Josie and he accuses her of not ever making a firm decision so it can’t be his fault. Douchebag. Jessica rightly hangs up on him.

No. I’m not Jose, you’re drunk.

 Now they get to visit Raymond Vineyard. JC is their host and the ladies are all over him. He’s smooth, he’s charming, he’s French, he owns a vineyard, he loves animals, he’s handsome, and he’s not wearing a wedding ring. We’re fairly sure this is a recipe for a gay man but Mayte lost her panties when he told her she could bring her dogs to the vineyard.

He’s a Tod- talkya outya drawers

They are shown to the Crystal Cellar.  This is Napa Valley’s answer to a champagne room. The ladies immediately comment on the spit bowls, but their host, Kelly, tells them that they don’t have to spit. Jessica looks confused, we doubt she’s ever had anyone tell her that before. Sheree grills the host about how to run a vineyard, new business venture? Well, since Whoop Ash isn’t ready… But does she realize it will mean more driving in the opposite direction from her man?

Lunch time and Jessica’s feeling  little buzzed after draining all the extra wine on the table.

They sit at an outdoor table in beautiful surroundings and Jessica brings up that they are spoiled. They reflect on all they had during their marriages; shopping, planes, healthcare (really VH1? Keep your liberal agenda to yourselves). Then it all ended and they share their wake-up calls; Sheree lost her Gucci discount and Andrea didn’t get to see the black book anymore. Just when we really want to start hating these ladies they inject more rationality by saying they need to keep it in perspective. That there are women out there riding the bus, on the WIC, supporting 2 kids while living with their mom. Cheers to them. See what we mean, the Housewives would never have had that kind of clarity.

They’re reality

Our reality.

Their last day in Napa and JC invites them to the Gold room. Jessica describes it as “Caesar’s Palace” not the real Caesar’s Palace. Caesar doesn’t live there….sorry, had to do it, best movie ever. Plus, they will have hangovers so it all works…

JC wants to hear “a man story” mmhmm, see? Gay. Sheree offers to tell a “funny Will story” about a time they were ordering through a drive through, you think the Fresh Prince of Bel Air went to the Taco Hut? Anyway, he gets the idea to order one thing after another after another until the total is almost $100 and it was so funny. And the kid working the window had to read back the order and it was so funny.  Everyone laughs awkwardly and Jessica asks if they got the order right. Now THAT’S funny, have some more wine, Jessica. Sheree sighs and says, “That’s my ex you know. Will Smith has a great sense of humor.” We guess she never watched Wild, Wild West.

JC then asks these terribly accomplished ladies to join him in a Pinot Burgundy tradition of clapping and la-la ing. Is this really a tradition or is it the tradition of making Americans look foolish, fuckin French assholes. Or maybe he’s just gay.

Now off to the Red Room. The ladies seemed intrigued and excited about this but all we can think about is The Shining.

Redrum! Redrum!

Actual Red room=don’t get pregnant