Here we are already, watching the season finale of Hotel Hell. This one’s a double, so sit back and get comfortable as we follow Gordon into some of the nastier places we’ve seen. In the first episode, Gordon visits The River Rock Inn, in Milford Pennsylvania, apparently the home of the conservation movement. From the state of the place, it looks like owner Kenny is taking conservation seriously—he’s clearly conserv4d every cobweb, dead insect, and fecal stain ever to grace his property. The hotel has been in trouble since he took it over, not even reaching 1/10 of his projected capacity. Manager Alyce rightfully thinks the low numbers are due at least in part to Kenny’s lack of experience running an inn. It sounds like he barely has experience staying in an inn; the bethrooms don’t even offer free shampoo. I’ve stayed in $70 a night Super 8 motels that have shampoo at least, even if it is just a step or so up from industrial waste.
The place is also crumbling beneath the feet of the guests: peeling wallpaper, missing outlet plates, and warped wire hangers all gently accent the ancient, horrible décor. Kenny even lost his own house, and now lives at the inn full time. He’s broke, miserable, and taking it out of the staff. Like most of the other proprietors on this show, he’s a control freak and yells at everyone, but these people actually yell back—one even tells him to get the fuck out of her face at one point. This’ll be a fun group!
I like her already!
Gordon arrives and gives the first of many flinches when his hand touches the door. The check-in desk is literally a chest of drawers in a hallway, manned by Karen. Karen is nice enough, but the chest of drawers keeps moving forward and backward from the wall depending on the shot, giving Gordon an opportunity to scrape up an inch-thick layer of grime off the baseboard. He looks like he’s about to have a panic attack just going upstairs, and right away he finds a roll of extra carpet in the closet
and a graveyard of dead bugs on the windowsill, which he collects to deposit in Karen’s hand.
These are for you, dear lady, as a thank you for that lovely section of carpet.
She explains that they had a bug problem that summer, and apparently no one has bothered to clean up since. Does the place not have a housekeeping staff at all? Gordon has found another unexpected roommate in the bathroom, in the form of a live cockroach.
Something tells me we will be denied our bath time jollies in this episode.
Only a single chair in the inn actually gets a wifi signal, which is hilarious, and Gordon has to use one of the wire hangers to get the TV turned on.
Not that it matters, because none of the channels come in.