Hotel Hell Recap: Nasty Times Two

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Wednesday, September 5, 2012 | 1:57 pm | 18 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hotel Hell, Recaps

The next morning, Gordon takes the staff in to see the improvements. They now have a new and better sign, to start. Inside, Gordon has redone his room with better paint and mattresses, better linens, a functioning TV, new lamps, and a bedspread free of man-spirit—or, as Gordon puts it, the only milky way is in the sky above. Gross, Gordon. They all love it. Gordon did the room next door, too, and updated the router so the rooms all get wifi no matter where you sit. The check-in area has been turned into a seating area, and check-in will be completed on the new website. Kenny and everyone else are beside themselves.

That night, they welcome new guests to dinner, and Gordon packs his suitcase on his cum-free bed. Some of the girls from the bar have brought a friend for Kenny, even, so maybe he’ll get to baptize his new bedspread. Gordon introduces them as the MILFs of Milford. Damn, Gordon. Kenny hooks them up with champagne, and introduces Gordon to his brother and mother. Everyone digs Seth’s new menu (which I’m sure is Gordon’s new menu), and Gordon manages to finagle the MILF phone number for Kenny.

Feel free to keep a copy for yourself, Chef.

He gives him the number and a pep talk and then takes off. And that’s it’s for The River Rock.

Time to ruin those new linens!

Next up is The Roosevelt Inn in Coeur d’Alene. It’s an old schoolhouse run by John, and raise your hand if you’re surprised that he’s never owned or run a hotel before. I didn’t think so. And this fucking guy—he’s got balls for days, because he didn’t even tell his wife before he bought the goddamn thing. She didn’t want it at all, and has been crying from Day 1. Judging by the way John talks to people and treats the customers, I’m thinking Day 1 started sometime around their wedding day. This guy is a nightmare. Server Mariah thinks the hotel is struggling because it’s old and outdated. John basically spends his time dressing up and cooking horrible food while Tina does everything. This is backed up by daughter Lorien, who sees her dad sitting on his ass on the regular. He sometimes cooks, and mostly looks forward to starring in the hotel’s monthly murder mystery dinner.

Starring Sherlock Douche. Where’s Benedict Cumberbatch when you need him?

Gordon shows up and tells John the place looks like a funeral parlor and smells like shit. To be fair, the smell can be blamed on the cutest goddamn dog ever, who’s sitting there on the stairs with those guilty dog eyes.

No. I…I can’t even be mad. LOOK AT THOSE EYES.

John shows Gordon the dining room, which is nice enough, and we see that John plays host to several personalities, one of whom is Chef Jean-Pierre. This guy is going to kill me. Gordon doesn’t like that the dogs stink up the place, but John says that they’re a highlight of the hotel. Of course they are—look at those EYES! Gordon isn’t impressed with the décor in his room, though the room itself is a huge two-level that at least isn’t crumbling around them. Gordon wants to know why John is laughing at everything, and John asks if he’d rather he flew into a rage and punched Gordon instead. Gordon tells him to go for it.

OH PLEASE. DO.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

18 Comments

  1. 1
    Bobbi
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Chef Ramsey, this show is so below you. Please keep your cooking shows going year round. I love Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef and I’m hoping that Christine wins. Reason Josh was off the show, he comes back which I don’t think is fair and if he takes it then the show is surely fixed. I think it should have been Christine and Becky going for the title.

  2. 2
    Linda
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Thanks for the fun recaps, BC!
    Anybody know what those glasses are that Gordon had people wear during the blacklight shots? What’s their purpose? Eye safety? Better vision of blacklight-revealing stains?

  3. 3
    michkabibbles
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    i wonder if tina can’t leave because she’s wrapped up in the loan for the school. if she got divorced would she be on the hook for half the debts? i’ve never been married and i’ve never bought anything bigger than a watermelon, so i’m not sure how these things work. i did wish she would clock him one though. ass is too light a word.
    loved your recaps, bluecanary!

  4. 4
    Dear Crabby
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    I loved how Tina said that before John was cold in the ground, she’d be headed back to Kentucky! There’s some real hatred there.

    I don’t see how he could have bought that without her unless it was just in his name – so perhaps the original debt is all his? The house and 401(k) money, though…that’s gotta hurt, especially as they are both staring down the barrel of the retirement shotgun.

    This guy was AWFUL and the violent streak he mentioned – that was really spooky. The “talk to the hand” was just so juvenile…unless he was playing a 12 year old girl in a play or something…which, perhaps he was?

    Great recap!

  5. 5
    KartofflMuter
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Michkabibble-On those days when you’re married and not happy-like Tina-yes-it can be really,really a shitty place to be. Aside from divorce laws and custody-although Idaho-I have no idea,-Sherlock looks like he would be fairly dramatic in divorce court. Judges in Western states-well,most states,tend to think women are too emotional and caused the problems,men frequently play an interesting game -I think you might have notice a tiny bit of it-all daughter are “princesses” however the moms that produced them are hunchbacked drudges.The kids are played against the mom while sympathizing with “poor old dad.” If you notice-he charmed the guests-for $200. That’s not money. That’s petty cash. In a couple like this,the kids get older,the money disappears,the children escape,never to return. The friends either left years ago or were shooed off by the husband when they were in their 20′s. Control and isolate. Eventually,there is no one else, near,far,or even alive. Frankly,your choices are either hope for an early death for yourself or your spouse-if he’s kept his insurance up. Do you want to bet she reads a lot more murder mysteries than he does?

  6. 6
    Chef Pants
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Tina looks good for her age and I really think if she left asshole she would have a new guy with little effort.

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 6:58 am

    @Chef, never mind her having the new guy– frying pan/fire here, since it is GR’s show. I wonder what resources she has to leave him and strike out on her own, a frightening prospect for all to many married women.

    I wish the best for her and think that anything would be better than being shackeled to this nut job.

  8. 8
    kloewent
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I saw an article once where they disected the bedspreads in all these hotels, big, small, cheap and expensive and they are all filthy, from human stains, food, bug poo, bed bugs etc!! The sheets and blankets get washed more regularly, but they don’t clean the spreads very often because they usually need to be dry cleaned. The first thing I do in a hotel is throw the bedspread onto the floor. I won’t even put my suitcase on it!!! (the stains could have been club soda, that shows up under the lights! :-)

  9. 9
    annie anniedawg25
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Talk to the hand cuz Sherlock don’t give a damn!!

    Was that guy for real? What a nut job.

    I checked out reviews for the Roosevelt hotel on tripadvisor and shockingly, the reviews were really good…pre and post Ramsay. Lots of people seem to enjoy that place and had glowing reviews for everything…the owners, food , and rooms. Even more shocking, the reviews seemed to be legit, not written by fake accounts written by John himself. either that place wasn’t as bad as Hotel Hell made it seem…..or John is a brainwasher when he’s not an innkeeper (or Sherlock)

  10. 10
    KartofflMuter
    Posted September 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    I haven’t trusted the linens in a hotel since seeing CSI and Monk,but this June we stayed in an $80 a night room off the freeway that was more than clever. Is anyone else running into this as well? White pillow cases,white sheets white duvet covers -and at the foot of the bed, a burgandy chenille throw about 30″ wide. It gives color to the room but nobody does much “to” it. It’s easy to bleach and wash white’s only. I did spill vermillion on the bed so I know they changed the linens. European hotels don’t use bedspreads. They give you lovely feather beds and comforters and hang the linens out the window.

  11. 11
    unwise
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Great recap as always Blue Canary! I found an article that goes behind the scenes at the Roosevelt with John and Tina. It’s a pretty big article in a local paper and there is all kinds of background and behind the scenes info. It addresses John’s violent past as well. I almost wish I hadn’t read it because it kind of spoils the whole TV magic stuff. Of course John and Tina insist that they were set up and it is staged but John said all that stuff and they didn’t make him do it. Here is the link to the article.

    http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2012/aug/29/hotel-hell-leaves-roosevelt-inn-owners-reeling/

  12. 12
    unwise
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 9:10 am

    These are for you, dear lady, as a thank you for that lovely section of carpet.

    And by the way that caption freaking made my day!

  13. 13
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 1:10 am

    @unwise, that article kind of makes me feel bad but not really, because who the fuck doesn’t pay their light bill to the tune of 3k+ and then threatens the light company guy for doing his job?
    And the fact that he had to be taken to the mental ward (which they then needed to pay for -___-) shows that he wasn’t just making normal threats. Like…clearly, he was saying some crazy ass shit.
    Like what we got a glimpse of when he offhandedly alluded to wanting to stab Gordon to death.
    The man needs help.

    And that ballroom is just unappealing to me no matter what they did. It looked better after, but even then, I would never want a wedding or reception in a room with no windows. Too much like being buried alive.

    I’m sad that the season is over already, but I’m glad it’s getting renewed. I can’t get enough of my sweet and salty Gordo.

    And thank you for the recaps, BlueCanary!!
    They were perfect and hilarious, as always. Enjoy your hiatus!

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 5:27 am

    @Chaos, agree completely! GR(rrrrrrrrrrr) has been on three shows this season, so now we have to go cold turkey? Yikes!!!

    Enjoy your spring and summer hiatus, BC. Looking forward to your next gig, and of course you will be commenting frequently I trust.

  15. 15
    BlueCanary
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 5:59 am

    You guys, thanks so much! I’m glad you enjoyed this season, short as it was. I’ve got one last finale episode of Hell’s Kitchen coming up this week, and then that’s it for me and for Gordon this fall, but we both shall return one day, so no worries!

    As for that article linked above (thanks for that by the way, unwise), I started reading it and felt a bit bad, until the details started coming out. Call me cynical, but I don’t think John was misrepresented whatsoever in that episode. It sounds like he nudged his sanity into a corner and left it there to die a long time ago, much as a dog will nudge a defective or runty puppy away from her healthy brood. And Tina’s very likely been enabling him for years, probably out of self-preservation. I’m sure it’s easier for her to shut her mouth and let him just rant it out until he tires than put up a fight and bring out the really scary shit. In any case, he’s been getting away with acting like a psycho to the point that he was ACTUALLY COMMITTED, but the problem is really just Gordon being too critical? No. I’ve known too many mentally ill people to buy that song and dance. The guy needs help way beyond his hotel linens.

  16. 16
    Unwise
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 10:29 am

    You’re welcome! I think they must have wanted to get out in front of it to do some damage control. Presumably that is their hometown paper and they probably wanted to save face a bit.

  17. 17
    Bobbi
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I just wish Gordon Ramsey was on all year through…..I just love watching him and all his shows.

  18. 18
    Bobbi
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Just don’t let anything happen to my Gordon. I wish he were on all year….I just love his shows. Please hurry back Gordon, I will get the shakes without you. Make a new show for him.

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