The next morning, Gordon takes the staff in to see the improvements. They now have a new and better sign, to start. Inside, Gordon has redone his room with better paint and mattresses, better linens, a functioning TV, new lamps, and a bedspread free of man-spirit—or, as Gordon puts it, the only milky way is in the sky above. Gross, Gordon. They all love it. Gordon did the room next door, too, and updated the router so the rooms all get wifi no matter where you sit. The check-in area has been turned into a seating area, and check-in will be completed on the new website. Kenny and everyone else are beside themselves.
That night, they welcome new guests to dinner, and Gordon packs his suitcase on his cum-free bed. Some of the girls from the bar have brought a friend for Kenny, even, so maybe he’ll get to baptize his new bedspread. Gordon introduces them as the MILFs of Milford. Damn, Gordon. Kenny hooks them up with champagne, and introduces Gordon to his brother and mother. Everyone digs Seth’s new menu (which I’m sure is Gordon’s new menu), and Gordon manages to finagle the MILF phone number for Kenny.
Feel free to keep a copy for yourself, Chef.
He gives him the number and a pep talk and then takes off. And that’s it’s for The River Rock.
Time to ruin those new linens!
Next up is The Roosevelt Inn in Coeur d’Alene. It’s an old schoolhouse run by John, and raise your hand if you’re surprised that he’s never owned or run a hotel before. I didn’t think so. And this fucking guy—he’s got balls for days, because he didn’t even tell his wife before he bought the goddamn thing. She didn’t want it at all, and has been crying from Day 1. Judging by the way John talks to people and treats the customers, I’m thinking Day 1 started sometime around their wedding day. This guy is a nightmare. Server Mariah thinks the hotel is struggling because it’s old and outdated. John basically spends his time dressing up and cooking horrible food while Tina does everything. This is backed up by daughter Lorien, who sees her dad sitting on his ass on the regular. He sometimes cooks, and mostly looks forward to starring in the hotel’s monthly murder mystery dinner.
Starring Sherlock Douche. Where’s Benedict Cumberbatch when you need him?
Gordon shows up and tells John the place looks like a funeral parlor and smells like shit. To be fair, the smell can be blamed on the cutest goddamn dog ever, who’s sitting there on the stairs with those guilty dog eyes.
No. I…I can’t even be mad. LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
John shows Gordon the dining room, which is nice enough, and we see that John plays host to several personalities, one of whom is Chef Jean-Pierre. This guy is going to kill me. Gordon doesn’t like that the dogs stink up the place, but John says that they’re a highlight of the hotel. Of course they are—look at those EYES! Gordon isn’t impressed with the décor in his room, though the room itself is a huge two-level that at least isn’t crumbling around them. Gordon wants to know why John is laughing at everything, and John asks if he’d rather he flew into a rage and punched Gordon instead. Gordon tells him to go for it.
OH PLEASE. DO.