Hotel Hell Recap: Not Even if You Actually Paid Me

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 3:40 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hotel Hell, Recaps

Gordon is rage driving, super pissed. He pretty much thinks Robert is a liar, and is condescending and unappreciative and crazy to boot. He can’t just leave the staff in that mess, though, so he hangs a violent U-turn and heads back to the Inn.

I think he had to go back for his suitcase, anyway.

He decided that the first order of business if to get Robert on board with reality and make him face the root of his financial problems, which is his out of control collecting habit. Gordon hires a crew to collect all Robert’s valuable antiques and display them in a room, so Robert can see with his own eyes just where the money has mysteriously vanished. He hopes it’ll be a wake up call, but I bet it’ll just spark that hoarder instinct and Robert will want to go shopping again. After presenting Robert with his pile of stuff, he sits down and essentially tells him how it’s going to be: Robert must have over $300,000 sunk into antiques, an amount he says would get them through two years of business if converted into cash. Gordon even brings in Amy, an auctioneer. I love how he just does this without even asking.

Gordon: “You’re getting rid of this shit whether you like it or not.” Amy: “More like not.”

Amy inspects the pile, then stops a few hearts when she tells Robert his stuff isn’t actually worth nearly as much as he thought. A lot of it is worn out, and the fact that it’s not a collection so much as an accumulation makes it tough to sell. Plus, and here’s the real bitch in the details, lots of his “valuable investment pieces” are fake. Remember that ostentatious Hannibal painting Ari was getting all elitist over in Part 1? Fake. And a shitty fake, at that. I guess Robert’s not the antiques expert he fancied himself. Imagine that.

The whole lot would only be worth about $25,000 tops, and that’s only if they can get an auction house to take it, which Amy incidentally is not about to do. So here’s Robert, thinking he’s been investing Ari’s million dollars into antiques for their future, when he’s just been buying a shitload of flea market furniture and rip-off artwork. Wow.

Robert looks like he might be sick, but at least he’s paying attention now, and Gordon is able to get through to him regarding the staff’s morale and justified anger. He says that if Robert can’t see the value in his workers and start compensating them accordingly, he might as well shut down now. Turn out, Robert’s actually paid more money to store his pieces than they’re worth. Wait. HE PAID $25,000 TO STORE THIS SHIT? WHO DOES THAT? I hope his employees appreciate the fact that Robert’s fake antiques had such a cozy place to gather dust while they decided how to live on a $45 paycheck.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    melonhead
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Yeah, I’m worried about the pigs, too. Maybe if they had sweaters on they could mix in the dining room, too, with the poodle.

    I wish they had an update at the end of the episode, like Kitchen Nightmares, when they say what has happened in the weeks/months since Gordon’s visit.

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You guys did a great job on this show! Specially since it looks like this was supposed to be their April Fool’s special. That they called up Eugene Ionesco’s spirit to write the script for.

    I know everybody’s been googling. And knows they didn’t really get a miracle healing.

    Robert’s got a bad case of the hoarding sickness. And Ari’s batshit for letting him spend their old age $ on imitation furniture. The time to get it checked out’s before you buy it.

    Everything they do with the B and B comes straight from Opposite Land too. Including going on this show. Nothing about it makes a lick of sense. And it’s all got that suspicious creepy stink to it.

    How come they didn’t just let it be their private home in the 1st place?

    Somebody needs to go rescue those pigs.

  3. 3
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    I am so happy that your toddler recognizes Gordon Ramsay. You should win a mom-of-the-year award for that! :-D

    I want to see a crossover of this with “Tabitha Takes Over.” There would be so many angry British accents!

  4. 4
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    @PopePhilly Tabitha’s Australian.

    Speaking of Tabitha, Robert reminds of the owner of that Bed and Breakfast Tabitha took over.

    I want to know how much Robert paid for that junk, especially that painting.

    I like the show so far,but like melonhead I wish we got an update.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    @sagittariuskim: I suck today! Between thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” and thinking Tabitha was British, I’m really turning into the “ignorant American” stereotype. The funny thing is, I think I even knew Tabitha was Australian. The part of my family in NZ likes to point out differences in NZ and Australian accents, so I’m sure they brought it up!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    A couple of thoughts:

    - Is it just me, or does Ari look like the answer to every question would involve somebody dying.
    “That table wobbles? Put a corpse under it.”

    - If you love tipping stories, I highly recommend the book “Waiter Rant”. The guy also has a blog waiterrant.net — I highly recommend reading it from the first post.

    - My kids were watching the Mad show today, and they had a quick sketch of celebrities without their makeup… they showed Fred from Scooby Doo. Without his makeup, he was Gordon Ramsay. I laughed.

    Awesome recap, as usual.

  7. 7
    mmmbuttery
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:38 am

    @PopePhilly I think you were actually spot on in thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” – it’s a very common UK slang term for an idiot – much like “pillock” which I believe you’ve previously referenced.

  8. 8
    Chef Pants
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:30 am

    My wife and I looked at the rates on the website and these two pecker heads are still charging the rates they were pre-Gordon. It looks like they kept the less cluttered decor…at least that is the photos on the website.

    I can’t wait until the blacklights come out and we see biologicals on the walls and ceilings in addition to the beds, lol!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:55 am

    @ChefP–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Free the pigs, Sparkle Dingo Babies!

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Did I hear Sparkle Dingo Babies? I’m here!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @Gypsy…HOLLA!

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    What struck me as the most honest, sincere moment on the show was when Ari said that he wanted this to be his and Robert’s private manor house. He treated the staff like his personal servants and everything in the hotel as his personal possession rather than part of the hotel decor. Even Robert admitted, at the start, that they only wanted guests who met their standards. Why bother running an inn?

    And as for Robert’s crying episode? Oh please!! Give me a break!! My daughter has been crying on demand since she was 3 and has always been more believable! I didn’t buy that for an instant!

  13. 13
    Mimo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I was really scared when Ari smiled. And then when he smiled and laughed – I ran out of the room.

  14. 14
    Jennifer
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

    The show was filmed in February. It’s now August and Juniper Hill’s owners are bragging about being on “Hotel Hell”. Check reviews left by customers on tripadvisor after filming ended. They tell the true story. Despite what Ramsay told the owners to do, prices are still high, there are upcharges for everything possible, nothing has changed and customers say they’re never coming back. The owners’ snobby attitudes and disregard for customer care continue. Some people never learn. Juniper Hill deserves to go down the tubes.

  15. 15
    Deb J
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 6:19 am

    “If this dude was any more delusional, he’d be on Hell’s Kitchen.” LOVE that!

  16. 16
    JHart610
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Just FYI, the Finns are notorious for their “cool” demeanor. In fact, Finland suffers from some of the world’s highest rates of suicide, depression and alcoholism.

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