Hotel Hell Recap: Not Even if You Actually Paid Me

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 3:40 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hotel Hell, Recaps

Gordon goes to bed, girding his loins for the work ahead of him. And speaking of Gordon’s loins, what are we treated to come morning? The man himself, stepping in the claw foot tub for a soak, his giant legs hanging over the edge and into the breeze. His ass cheeks and backball and such were pixilated, but at least one cameraman got quite the show. My toddler summed this scene up nicely, and way more innocently that I would: “Hey, Gordon take a bubble bath!”

Indeed, he is.

After soaking his hide for a bit, Gordon collects Robert and his scary, foreign partner Ari and takes them upstairs to be ambushed by a new crowd: a group of customers who are actually paying to stay there. I’m sure it wasn’t hard to convince them to gather in the Ramsay Suite. Gordon wants them to let Robert and Ari know exactly what a stay at Juniper Hill is like. None of it’s good, in case you were wondering: there was confusion checking in, what with the blocked door and lack of staff and signs, the place didn’t meet expectations, and the super expensive rooms were cold enough to require space heaters. Ari breaks in at this point and insists the rooms he checked were like saunas, which maybe they were if you happen to be from FINLAND, which is one of the snowier countries on earth. Also, when he speaks he sounds rude and his tone is off-putting. To be fair, I think he just sounds like that all the time, but the guests don’t appreciate paying $700 to be snapped at by a stone-faced Finn.

Suckers

None of the guests would return under the current conditions, and that’s really the bottom line. Then Gordon pulls his trump card: Steve Tallon, a professional hotel inspector. Steve basically tells them that the place is not up to snuff. No greetings, a joke of a bar, and everything except the hospitality gets a big fat failure on the scorecard. Robert says they take these comments very seriously and their ultimate goal is to please people, but you could’ve fooled me. It seems more like their goal has been to live as decadent a lifestyle as possible while expending the minimum amount of work and commitment to funding it.

At least Robert is responding well to criticism, but Gordon is unhappy with Ari’s cold, Scandinavian demeanor. He ushers the guests out, and wants to know why Ari is so resentful. Turns out, owning an inn is not exactly Ari’s dream, and he’d really prefer it if everyone went away and he and Robert just lived in that house alone with the pigs and the poodle. Well, he’s on his way to just that, so congrats. Also, you really should’ve had this discussion before sinking a cool million into a business you never really wanted to run, don’t you think? Gordon tells them they need to sit down together and reconsider their future in hospitality.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    melonhead
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Yeah, I’m worried about the pigs, too. Maybe if they had sweaters on they could mix in the dining room, too, with the poodle.

    I wish they had an update at the end of the episode, like Kitchen Nightmares, when they say what has happened in the weeks/months since Gordon’s visit.

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You guys did a great job on this show! Specially since it looks like this was supposed to be their April Fool’s special. That they called up Eugene Ionesco’s spirit to write the script for.

    I know everybody’s been googling. And knows they didn’t really get a miracle healing.

    Robert’s got a bad case of the hoarding sickness. And Ari’s batshit for letting him spend their old age $ on imitation furniture. The time to get it checked out’s before you buy it.

    Everything they do with the B and B comes straight from Opposite Land too. Including going on this show. Nothing about it makes a lick of sense. And it’s all got that suspicious creepy stink to it.

    How come they didn’t just let it be their private home in the 1st place?

    Somebody needs to go rescue those pigs.

  3. 3
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    I am so happy that your toddler recognizes Gordon Ramsay. You should win a mom-of-the-year award for that! :-D

    I want to see a crossover of this with “Tabitha Takes Over.” There would be so many angry British accents!

  4. 4
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    @PopePhilly Tabitha’s Australian.

    Speaking of Tabitha, Robert reminds of the owner of that Bed and Breakfast Tabitha took over.

    I want to know how much Robert paid for that junk, especially that painting.

    I like the show so far,but like melonhead I wish we got an update.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    @sagittariuskim: I suck today! Between thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” and thinking Tabitha was British, I’m really turning into the “ignorant American” stereotype. The funny thing is, I think I even knew Tabitha was Australian. The part of my family in NZ likes to point out differences in NZ and Australian accents, so I’m sure they brought it up!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    A couple of thoughts:

    - Is it just me, or does Ari look like the answer to every question would involve somebody dying.
    “That table wobbles? Put a corpse under it.”

    - If you love tipping stories, I highly recommend the book “Waiter Rant”. The guy also has a blog waiterrant.net — I highly recommend reading it from the first post.

    - My kids were watching the Mad show today, and they had a quick sketch of celebrities without their makeup… they showed Fred from Scooby Doo. Without his makeup, he was Gordon Ramsay. I laughed.

    Awesome recap, as usual.

  7. 7
    mmmbuttery
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:38 am

    @PopePhilly I think you were actually spot on in thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” – it’s a very common UK slang term for an idiot – much like “pillock” which I believe you’ve previously referenced.

  8. 8
    Chef Pants
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:30 am

    My wife and I looked at the rates on the website and these two pecker heads are still charging the rates they were pre-Gordon. It looks like they kept the less cluttered decor…at least that is the photos on the website.

    I can’t wait until the blacklights come out and we see biologicals on the walls and ceilings in addition to the beds, lol!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:55 am

    @ChefP–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Free the pigs, Sparkle Dingo Babies!

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Did I hear Sparkle Dingo Babies? I’m here!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @Gypsy…HOLLA!

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    What struck me as the most honest, sincere moment on the show was when Ari said that he wanted this to be his and Robert’s private manor house. He treated the staff like his personal servants and everything in the hotel as his personal possession rather than part of the hotel decor. Even Robert admitted, at the start, that they only wanted guests who met their standards. Why bother running an inn?

    And as for Robert’s crying episode? Oh please!! Give me a break!! My daughter has been crying on demand since she was 3 and has always been more believable! I didn’t buy that for an instant!

  13. 13
    Mimo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I was really scared when Ari smiled. And then when he smiled and laughed – I ran out of the room.

  14. 14
    Jennifer
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

    The show was filmed in February. It’s now August and Juniper Hill’s owners are bragging about being on “Hotel Hell”. Check reviews left by customers on tripadvisor after filming ended. They tell the true story. Despite what Ramsay told the owners to do, prices are still high, there are upcharges for everything possible, nothing has changed and customers say they’re never coming back. The owners’ snobby attitudes and disregard for customer care continue. Some people never learn. Juniper Hill deserves to go down the tubes.

  15. 15
    Deb J
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 6:19 am

    “If this dude was any more delusional, he’d be on Hell’s Kitchen.” LOVE that!

  16. 16
    JHart610
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Just FYI, the Finns are notorious for their “cool” demeanor. In fact, Finland suffers from some of the world’s highest rates of suicide, depression and alcoholism.

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