Hotel Hell Recap: Not Even if You Actually Paid Me

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 3:40 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hotel Hell, Recaps

Man, this episode has PopePhilly written all over it—we get to see Gordon strip once again as he changes into his chef jacket, and he has Giulian cook up some dishes from the current menu and then three new ones of his own creation, designed to be both tasty and affordable. Then Gordon lies, says he cooked the new meal, and gives them to Robert to taste. Predictably, Robert loves “Gordon’s” meal, and votes that as the one that should be on the menu. When Gordon reveals that Giulian is responsible for it, Robert actually sacks up and admits he was wrong, and that he’s been restricting Giulian’s talents.

I must say, this far surpasses the shit you usually send out of that kitchen.

Robert is scared after that, but hopeful, and regretful that he’s been shitting so copiously on his employees for so long. Gordon tells him he needs to tell the staff that, and maybe cut them a paycheck every once and awhile. You know, for morale. They gather the staff and Robert tells them that they’re valuable to him and Ari. Ari’s face sort of contradicts that, but I really just think he looks like that anyhow, no matter what’s being said. Robert says things will be different, and apologizes for the money and tip issues. He also apologizes for the communication issues and promises things will be different. Then Robert drops the antiques bomb, and everyone looks fucking horrified. Gordon assures the room that things will indeed be different, and Giulian and the rest of the staff show tremendous amounts of loyalty and heart, because they all offer words of support and gratitude, every last one of them agreeing to stand behind Robert and help fix the business. That’s very sweet of them. I’d have told him to get fucked ages ago.

Gordon takes Robert to a local brewery to mingle with the unwashed masses. Robert is visibly nervous, but insists that he’d love this crowd and their wallets zeal in his place. He stands on a chair and invites everyone to come spend money in his establishment. The crowd is full of people nice enough to applaud instead of making moosecalls and fart noises, and Robert unclenches a bit. Gordon asks how Ari felt about the staff meeting, and Robert says that his Finnish exterior hides a deep and caring heart.

Yes, I can totally see that.

It’s great that Ari is a sweetie underneath and not a total sociopath, but you should probably keep him away from the guests, and maybe people in general. They agree that Ari will work best in a behind-the-scenes capacity.

So now that that’s been established, Gordon is ready to do his thing. He kicks everyone out for however long, makes some changes, then brings the staff in to check out the new look. Right away you can tell the difference. Gordon moved a bunch of the shit out and rearranged what was left, adding some nice signs and yanking out the ridiculous bar. The dining room has been similarly redone, and they’ve gotten that sewer issue fixed so the rooms don’t stink of feces anymore. It’s the little touches that make the difference, you know. Amazingly, Gordon hasn’t had anything done to the rest of the rooms, because those are fine. Robert managed to keep most of his bullshit out of them, I guess, and clearly Gordon approves of the tub. He convinces Robert to lower the room prices to bring in business. Which means the middle class now has permission to set foot on the property, but times are tough, and Juniper Hill’s gotta do what Juniper Hill’s gotta do.

Welcome to Juniper Hill! I’ll be happy to serve you once I see your credit score and tax returns.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    melonhead
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Yeah, I’m worried about the pigs, too. Maybe if they had sweaters on they could mix in the dining room, too, with the poodle.

    I wish they had an update at the end of the episode, like Kitchen Nightmares, when they say what has happened in the weeks/months since Gordon’s visit.

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You guys did a great job on this show! Specially since it looks like this was supposed to be their April Fool’s special. That they called up Eugene Ionesco’s spirit to write the script for.

    I know everybody’s been googling. And knows they didn’t really get a miracle healing.

    Robert’s got a bad case of the hoarding sickness. And Ari’s batshit for letting him spend their old age $ on imitation furniture. The time to get it checked out’s before you buy it.

    Everything they do with the B and B comes straight from Opposite Land too. Including going on this show. Nothing about it makes a lick of sense. And it’s all got that suspicious creepy stink to it.

    How come they didn’t just let it be their private home in the 1st place?

    Somebody needs to go rescue those pigs.

  3. 3
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    I am so happy that your toddler recognizes Gordon Ramsay. You should win a mom-of-the-year award for that! :-D

    I want to see a crossover of this with “Tabitha Takes Over.” There would be so many angry British accents!

  4. 4
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    @PopePhilly Tabitha’s Australian.

    Speaking of Tabitha, Robert reminds of the owner of that Bed and Breakfast Tabitha took over.

    I want to know how much Robert paid for that junk, especially that painting.

    I like the show so far,but like melonhead I wish we got an update.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    @sagittariuskim: I suck today! Between thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” and thinking Tabitha was British, I’m really turning into the “ignorant American” stereotype. The funny thing is, I think I even knew Tabitha was Australian. The part of my family in NZ likes to point out differences in NZ and Australian accents, so I’m sure they brought it up!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    A couple of thoughts:

    - Is it just me, or does Ari look like the answer to every question would involve somebody dying.
    “That table wobbles? Put a corpse under it.”

    - If you love tipping stories, I highly recommend the book “Waiter Rant”. The guy also has a blog waiterrant.net — I highly recommend reading it from the first post.

    - My kids were watching the Mad show today, and they had a quick sketch of celebrities without their makeup… they showed Fred from Scooby Doo. Without his makeup, he was Gordon Ramsay. I laughed.

    Awesome recap, as usual.

  7. 7
    mmmbuttery
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:38 am

    @PopePhilly I think you were actually spot on in thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” – it’s a very common UK slang term for an idiot – much like “pillock” which I believe you’ve previously referenced.

  8. 8
    Chef Pants
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:30 am

    My wife and I looked at the rates on the website and these two pecker heads are still charging the rates they were pre-Gordon. It looks like they kept the less cluttered decor…at least that is the photos on the website.

    I can’t wait until the blacklights come out and we see biologicals on the walls and ceilings in addition to the beds, lol!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:55 am

    @ChefP–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Free the pigs, Sparkle Dingo Babies!

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Did I hear Sparkle Dingo Babies? I’m here!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @Gypsy…HOLLA!

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    What struck me as the most honest, sincere moment on the show was when Ari said that he wanted this to be his and Robert’s private manor house. He treated the staff like his personal servants and everything in the hotel as his personal possession rather than part of the hotel decor. Even Robert admitted, at the start, that they only wanted guests who met their standards. Why bother running an inn?

    And as for Robert’s crying episode? Oh please!! Give me a break!! My daughter has been crying on demand since she was 3 and has always been more believable! I didn’t buy that for an instant!

  13. 13
    Mimo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I was really scared when Ari smiled. And then when he smiled and laughed – I ran out of the room.

  14. 14
    Jennifer
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

    The show was filmed in February. It’s now August and Juniper Hill’s owners are bragging about being on “Hotel Hell”. Check reviews left by customers on tripadvisor after filming ended. They tell the true story. Despite what Ramsay told the owners to do, prices are still high, there are upcharges for everything possible, nothing has changed and customers say they’re never coming back. The owners’ snobby attitudes and disregard for customer care continue. Some people never learn. Juniper Hill deserves to go down the tubes.

  15. 15
    Deb J
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 6:19 am

    “If this dude was any more delusional, he’d be on Hell’s Kitchen.” LOVE that!

  16. 16
    JHart610
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Just FYI, the Finns are notorious for their “cool” demeanor. In fact, Finland suffers from some of the world’s highest rates of suicide, depression and alcoholism.

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