Hotel Hell Recap: Not Even if You Actually Paid Me

Recaps

By BlueCanary | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 3:40 pm | 16 Comments
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Posted in: Hotel Hell, Recaps

Gordon has also turned the second dining room into a lounge, complete with an actual bar and games and stuff. He’s even seen fit to fill it with people, so they can see its potential. They’re ready to open for lunch service, but Ari is sort of prowling around, checking people in while Robert shuffles papers. Gordon knows that keeping Ari away from the paying customers is essential, and insists that Ari play to his strengths and stay behind the scenes.

Wait’ll he finds out his retirement fund went toward that fake elephant painting.

But this is sort of a backfire strategy, because when Ari catches Sara taking Ari’s besweatered poodle outside, away from the bar and the food, Ari starts snarling at her, pulling out his old “I am the boss” attitude. So the boss thinks it’s okay to let the dog eat at the table with paying customers? I can see why this place has floundered. Sara, though, shows a moment of backbone. She must be bolstered by Gordon’s presence, because she tells Ari to never talk to her that way again and then flees upstairs before his Finnish hands can wrap around her throat and squeeze the defiance out of her.

Gordon misses Sara at lunch and goes looking for her, eventually finding her in the midst of a nervous breakdown. She spills all to Gordon, and he’s so nurturing and sweet. It’s really adorable, especially when he’s usually screaming and calling people pillocks. He gets her to come downstairs and goes to make Ari apologize. Or at least agree to refrain from being an asshole until lunch service is over.

Best of luck with that.

Gordon rallies the troops and they get moving on lunch service, which has attracted lots of guests who you know are there hoping to get on TV. People are such camera whores. Steve the inspector is also there. Gordon gets up Giulian’s ass about communication, and we start to see the Hell’s Kitchen Gordy sneaking out. Any minute he’s going to yell RAWR and start throwing things. He drags Giulian onto the porch and yells at him for a bit, which seems to work.

That’s our Gordon!

Food is going out, people seem happy, and even Steve can see an improvement. Service is going well, and of course Ari picks that moment to take Sara aside and apologize. Amazingly, it goes fine. Customers are giving positive feedback, and Robert takes Ryan aside and thanks him for everything he’s done. He gives him an actual paycheck with a hundred dollar bonus, which will probably enrage the rest of the staff once this show airs.

Gordon packs to leave as all this is going on, and says his goodbyes in the middle of everything. Giulian says he’s just happy to get out without being smacked with a spatula, which I admit is always a valid concern with Gordon around. You just squeaked through by the skin of your teeth on that, Giuls. Finally, Gordon seeks out to see Ari, who wisely retreated to the motor coach to write out paychecks with god knows what money. I guess I can start calling it the motor coach again, since Robert seems to have come around and seems to give more a flying fuck at this point. They have a stiff goodbye, and Gordon bids adieu to Robert, telling him to keep everything functioning and keep Ari in the RV. That’s fucking hilarious. Gordon presents Robert with a Diamond Collection plaque, and tells him to keep up the good work and attitude. Gordon takes off, saying he’d lock Ari in the storage shed if he were him. Ha! He’d totally do that, I can see it now. And not another word is said about the piggies, so I’m assuming they just left them down in the basement. I hate loose ends.

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BlueCanary is as unorthodox a blend of optimistic and bitter, laid-back and anxious, motivated and straight up lazy tas one is likely to meet outside an unspecified institution. She spent the past decade holding a variety of job titles, including reporter, tech writer, production manager, and administrative assistant (the go-to job in this economy for folks who just HAD to get that English degree). She is currently living under the tiny yet powerful thumb of an awesome, pint-sized little dude, who wets himself and can't form full sentences (read: stay at home mom). Another tyrannical little thumb is gestating in her womb. She is a regular on The Neutral Corner podcast and blogs at www.mamamuzzle.com. 

Blue's as-yet-unpublished YA novel, The Nature of Echoes, is currently a Quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. If you'd like to check it out, a free excerpt is available to download at http://www.amazon.com/Nature-Echoes-ABNA-Entry-ebook/dp/B00B9N3XFQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363378599&sr=1-1&keywords=eva+gibson+abna.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    melonhead
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Yeah, I’m worried about the pigs, too. Maybe if they had sweaters on they could mix in the dining room, too, with the poodle.

    I wish they had an update at the end of the episode, like Kitchen Nightmares, when they say what has happened in the weeks/months since Gordon’s visit.

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    You guys did a great job on this show! Specially since it looks like this was supposed to be their April Fool’s special. That they called up Eugene Ionesco’s spirit to write the script for.

    I know everybody’s been googling. And knows they didn’t really get a miracle healing.

    Robert’s got a bad case of the hoarding sickness. And Ari’s batshit for letting him spend their old age $ on imitation furniture. The time to get it checked out’s before you buy it.

    Everything they do with the B and B comes straight from Opposite Land too. Including going on this show. Nothing about it makes a lick of sense. And it’s all got that suspicious creepy stink to it.

    How come they didn’t just let it be their private home in the 1st place?

    Somebody needs to go rescue those pigs.

  3. 3
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    I am so happy that your toddler recognizes Gordon Ramsay. You should win a mom-of-the-year award for that! :-D

    I want to see a crossover of this with “Tabitha Takes Over.” There would be so many angry British accents!

  4. 4
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    @PopePhilly Tabitha’s Australian.

    Speaking of Tabitha, Robert reminds of the owner of that Bed and Breakfast Tabitha took over.

    I want to know how much Robert paid for that junk, especially that painting.

    I like the show so far,but like melonhead I wish we got an update.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    @sagittariuskim: I suck today! Between thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” and thinking Tabitha was British, I’m really turning into the “ignorant American” stereotype. The funny thing is, I think I even knew Tabitha was Australian. The part of my family in NZ likes to point out differences in NZ and Australian accents, so I’m sure they brought it up!

  6. 6
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    A couple of thoughts:

    - Is it just me, or does Ari look like the answer to every question would involve somebody dying.
    “That table wobbles? Put a corpse under it.”

    - If you love tipping stories, I highly recommend the book “Waiter Rant”. The guy also has a blog waiterrant.net — I highly recommend reading it from the first post.

    - My kids were watching the Mad show today, and they had a quick sketch of celebrities without their makeup… they showed Fred from Scooby Doo. Without his makeup, he was Gordon Ramsay. I laughed.

    Awesome recap, as usual.

  7. 7
    mmmbuttery
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 1:38 am

    @PopePhilly I think you were actually spot on in thinking Gordon called Robert a “muppet” – it’s a very common UK slang term for an idiot – much like “pillock” which I believe you’ve previously referenced.

  8. 8
    Chef Pants
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 5:30 am

    My wife and I looked at the rates on the website and these two pecker heads are still charging the rates they were pre-Gordon. It looks like they kept the less cluttered decor…at least that is the photos on the website.

    I can’t wait until the blacklights come out and we see biologicals on the walls and ceilings in addition to the beds, lol!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:55 am

    @ChefP–EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW

    Free the pigs, Sparkle Dingo Babies!

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Did I hear Sparkle Dingo Babies? I’m here!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    @Gypsy…HOLLA!

  12. 12
    WishICouldDance
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    What struck me as the most honest, sincere moment on the show was when Ari said that he wanted this to be his and Robert’s private manor house. He treated the staff like his personal servants and everything in the hotel as his personal possession rather than part of the hotel decor. Even Robert admitted, at the start, that they only wanted guests who met their standards. Why bother running an inn?

    And as for Robert’s crying episode? Oh please!! Give me a break!! My daughter has been crying on demand since she was 3 and has always been more believable! I didn’t buy that for an instant!

  13. 13
    Mimo
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I was really scared when Ari smiled. And then when he smiled and laughed – I ran out of the room.

  14. 14
    Jennifer
    Posted August 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

    The show was filmed in February. It’s now August and Juniper Hill’s owners are bragging about being on “Hotel Hell”. Check reviews left by customers on tripadvisor after filming ended. They tell the true story. Despite what Ramsay told the owners to do, prices are still high, there are upcharges for everything possible, nothing has changed and customers say they’re never coming back. The owners’ snobby attitudes and disregard for customer care continue. Some people never learn. Juniper Hill deserves to go down the tubes.

  15. 15
    Deb J
    Posted August 18, 2012 at 6:19 am

    “If this dude was any more delusional, he’d be on Hell’s Kitchen.” LOVE that!

  16. 16
    JHart610
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Just FYI, the Finns are notorious for their “cool” demeanor. In fact, Finland suffers from some of the world’s highest rates of suicide, depression and alcoholism.

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