Hotel Hell Recap: You Can’t Buy Good Taste

Gordon hits the West coast this week, taking on The Keating in downtown San Diego. San Diego’s gaslamp district is awesome, and location of this place is unbeatable, but the hotel itself is no more than a tacky nightmare. Owner Eddie’s vision is to have the “Ferrari of hotels,” and he’s taking that vision quite literally, to the point that he hired car designers to customize the decor. That’s exactly as bad an idea as it sounds.

This place would be great if it was less like a hotel and more like a car.

Eddie appears to be having some kind midlife crisis, and is taking it out on his staff and customers. Either that or he’s just a douche, with a fat bank account and zero taste. Executive chef Brian says the place is all style and no substance, but I fail to see where they style part comes in, since it looks more like the man cave of a wealthy gearhead. The place is flashy and opulent and features lots of red and chrome, but it’s sadly lacking on the basics, most notably a washer/dryer set that can actually handle the capacity of a hotel. And what the hell—how does a functioning hotel get away with a standard size W/D set? Also, the ones they have are rusty and can’t really be used for the bedding, so god knows what they do with that. I’m guessing Eddie just has GM Sandra trot the bedding on down to San Diego Bay and pound it against the rocks. Hell, she does most of the menial jobs in the place anyway—scrubbing toilets, making beds—basically everything a housekeeping staff should be doing.

Since we never see a housekeeping staff aside from these guys, I’m assuming it doesn’t exist.

Eddie’s idea of running the place is to constantly swipe inspiration from other places and impulsively implement them at The Keating, making everyone’s life suck. Their restaurant menu is enormous and eclectic and constantly changing based on his favorite foods. Restaurant co-manager Dave isn’t even trying to approve of the menu or the food, and Brian is no longer proud of his work in the kitchen, because he knows the whole setup has become a joke. The hotel is losing money to the tune of literally millions, I guess most of which has been pissed away on red paint and shiny, car-looking things. Eddie is the typical, head-up-ass boss, who insists that if his staff did its job properly they’d be able to function and make money regardless of his whims and bullshit. What a great businessman!

Gordon arrives and insults the French bulldog, then walks into a great red nightmare. He’s greeted by concierge Christos, who offers to help with anything he needs. I don’t know if that includes installing one of those curtain rods on the wall like they had in the last episode in case Gordy gets frisky, but I’ll bet Christos could rustle one up in a pinch. Christos takes him up to his weird ass $759-a-night suite, which features sweeping views and a tacky $25,000 Jacuzzi in the middle of the damn room. The place is decked out with a bunch of modern, cheap, non-functional furniture, that is conducive to absolutely nothing except bad aesthetics. Gordon starts poking around and immediately finds a bunch of cut corners: broken wall sockets, plastic plants, and cheap mouthwash, just to start. For $759, they’d better get some damn Scope in there. At least the place appears to have a fully-stocked liquor bar.