Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
I don’t know why, but this episode title cracks me up every single time I think about it. Particularly because I’m about 93% certain that I referenced Henry V in a recap last season. (And so I did.)
Last season on Jersey Shore: The gang came home from Italy and went back to the Shore; Snooki had a bladder infection and peed everywhere like an elderly chihuahua; Vinny had a nervous breakdown and went back to his mommy for about five minutes until his roommates came to get him; Mike spend the entire summer threatening to tell Gionni that he and Snooki had hooked up, and when the payoff finally came it was extremely disappointing; JMomm and Rawdger fought all the freaking time.
Between last season and this: Snooki got herself in the family way; Pauly had a spin off; Snooki and JMomm had a spin off; Mike went to rehab for “exhaustion” which in his particular case was code for a prescription pill addiction; Sammi and Ronnie broke up for the 5,000,000th time; Deena got skinny and got her face all carved up into a more Anjelica Huston-y shape; and Vinny tried to be the poster boy for anxiety disorders, but since that’s the only thing about him that is remotely interesting nobody really wanted to take him up on his offer, so he mostly just ate pasta and played World of Warcraft in his mom’s basement (I’m guessing.)
The opening credits are same as they ever were. Ah, nostalgia.
After a montage of the Seaside Heights beach, we join our first roommate in Malanpan, New Jersey. It’s the Sorrentino household, and Mike is gathered with his family members for a feast of a meal. He tells us that he’s spent the past few months “trying to get back to who I really am,” and confesses his addiction to prescription painkillers. Some large (in a muscular way) gentleman speaks about how everyone gathered at the table joined together and…
Mike tells us that rehab is the most unbearable, unpleasant thing in the whole wide world, but now he’s the cleanest and healthiest he’s been since he was 21. And I’m all for people admitting they have a problem and getting sober, but I’m going to say this right now: I don’t think Mike is going to make it through the season without a relapse. I just don’t. I’ll apologize if I’m wrong, but I am extremely skeptical about this lasting.
One of the family members thinks they should toast, and Mike suggests that they toast to “GTL.” Paula (you all remember Paula) suggests that they toast to “new beginnings.” Mike interviews that he and Paula have been seeing each other at the shore for four summers now, and while they’re not “going out,” it’s probably the closest thing to it. We call that closest thing “notgoing out,” yes? Just me? “Who know’s what’s going to happen?” Mike asks as we see him kiss Paula goodbye and drive away in his Jeep.
The next stop is Poughkeepsie, New York, where a (not very visibly yet, although that may just be clothing choices) pregnant Snooki enters her parent’s home. “It’s so hot out!” she moans as she crosses the threshold and then trips, due in large part to her ridiculously high platform shoes. “Your floor is slippery!” she tells her mom, “I could have had a miscarriage!” She interviews that going to the shore is a tradition, and even though she’s pregnant, she still wants to be a part of it. We then immediately cut to her complaining about how she’s not going to have any fun because she isn’t pregnant. “Why, pregnant people don’t have any fun at the shore?” her mom asks.
Snooki tells us that pregnancy has changed her. “Before I was pregnant, all I wanted to do was live it up and go crazy,” she reminds us. Cue the Snooki’s Drunken Antics Montage. “I definitely did, like, a whole 180… I think it’s called…”
“You don’t get it, these are, like my party friends!” Parents just don’t understand, amirite Snooki? Mama Snooki tells her complaining daughter that just because it will be different doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Snooki gripes to us that she won’t be able to do her Meatball things, conveniently leaving out how much safer that will make Seaside Heights since at least two police officers will be allowed to perform their actual civic duty rather than watching out for her drunk ass all the time. “I just don’t want to be around drinking,” she continues, “because it really upsets me.” It reminds her how much she wants to drink herself. I would love to know how long, in minutes, it was between her son’s birth and her first post-pregnancy drink. They probably had champagne in the delivery room, and Snooki was downing her first celebratory glass with a straw while she delivered the afterbirth.
Mama and Papa Snooki go outside to bid their daughter adieu, and Papa Snooki helps Snooki climb into her ridiculous luxury extended cab, short bed truck with it’s bright pink trim. “Mom it’s too hot, I can’t…” Snooki moans as she shoos her mother away with her hand and rolls up the driver’s side window. “Uch! I’m miserable,” she says as Papa Snooki waves her out of the driveway. She tells us that she’ll still be there “in spirit” and will just have to make it her own summer. Unlike the previous summers, which belonged to someone else, apparently.
Next, to Toms River, New Jersey, and the enormous house shared by JMomm and Rawdger. The two of them are in a room which I’m fairly certain is an entire bedroom devoted entirely to Jenni’s shoes and clothing. Remember the dream closet from the first Sex in the City movie? It’s like that, except not as fancy. “Nicole coming?” Rawdge asks, and Jenni replies that Snooki is picking her up. “But she’s pregnant,” Rawdger retorts, because in his universe, pregnant women never leave the kitchen. “Why is she going?” he asks, and Jenni bitterly replies that he should ask Snooki when she gets there.
JMomm reminds us in an interview that after the last summer at the shore, she and Snooki moved in together, “which was very short lived,” and now she and Rawdger are living together.
Rawdger asks Jenni how she would feel if he got a shore house and stayed in it with his friends all summer. “Would that fly with you?” No, Rawdger, it would not. “Little bit of double standards here?” Why yes, that is precisely what is happening. JMomm interviews that her relationship is pretty good, “basically same shit different day. Or different toilet.” With a euphemism like that, it’s clear to anyone that the romance is still alive between these two crazy kids! “I’m actually really shocked that Rawdger’s still with me,” she says, as am I.
“For two years now, all I’ve been hearing, ‘I just want to settle down and have kids with you and get married,’ and yet you leave every five minutes to go live somewhere new,” Rawdger points out. “Where’s my ring?” JMomm counters, smiling dangerously. Rawdger replies that he wants a little bit of stability in his relationship before he buys a ring, which is an extremely tactful way of saying, “We’re totes breaking up once the residual checks from MTV start drying up.” JMomm thinks that living in a house together is stable, but Rawdger feels like a glorified dog sitter. “It’s a package deal,” Jenni reminds him, “me and two bitches.”
Mike is also in Toms River, buying groceries for a big-ass “welcome back” meal for the roommates. His goal is to have the food ready for everyone when they walk in the house. Why won’t he make eye contact with the camera? His body language is easily as shifty as it was during the worst points of last season. “Food brings people together, you know, a nice little feast,” but he mostly just wants to show his housemates that he’s trying to start the summer out on a good foot. By giving them food poisoning. (I may be reading between the lines here.) He selects pickles from a barrel and finds one big enough to “feed Snooki for a month.”
“Shit, my vagina hurts!” Snooki mutters as she approaches JMomm’s house. She calls Jenni to let her know that she’ll be there to pick her up in approximately 8 minutes. “Are you excited to move in?” Snooki asks. “Yeah, are you?” Jenni replies. “I just don’t want drama like last time,” Snooki says. She tells us that she hasn’t spoke to Mike since last summer and if he apologizes, “thank you, but I don’t want to be your friend.” She tells Jenni, “If he starts anything with me, then I’m going to go into premature labor.” Hold up.
I get that pregnancy is a big deal, especially if it’s your very first pregnancy and you have no idea what to expect and everything is new and different and exciting and worrying and uncomfortable and weird and sometimes a little bit gross. But here’s the thing: no one else really cares that much about it except for you, your partner, and potentially the grandparents. Bringing it up every three seconds is so. Damn. Annoying! I think Snooki would have tended toward that anyway, but her pregnancy landing her on the covers of a bazillion magazines and being interviewed on every talk show in America surely didn’t help matters at all. It’s going to be a long season in re: pregnancy minutiae.
Jenni tells Snooki that now that Mike is clean, hopefully there won’t be any drama. “Oh, there will be drama,” Rawdger chuckles.
We rejoin Mike in his Jeep, where he shares that “even though I’m sober, there’s still going to be lots of craziness.” See, here’s the thing about substance abuse: while you may behave differently while you’re using, all that being high or drunk really does in regards to your personality is bring out things that are already there, just usually suppressed because your super-ego realizes that certain types of behaviour are unacceptable in public. Mike may have been an über asshat while using, but now that he’s sober, his potential for asshattery remains the same, although he likely has a tighter rein on it. Although given my suspicion that regardless of his drug of choice, Mike’s real addiction is to drama and attention, I’m not expecting to see that much of a change.
“I’m curious to see how I’m going to act,” Mike laughs. So am I. I definitely have low expectations, primarily because I’ve known people who were a lot like him in many ways, and I saw how well they worked their recovery. And since I don’t know Mike personally and get to rip on him for fun, I don’t feel obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt. Unfair of me? Probably. But we’ll see how things play out.
Welcome to the Bronx! Ronnie is packing his things, including at least three industrial sized containers of Muscle Milk.
“I’m SO excited to go back to the shore!” Ronnie interviews. Aw, Ron-Ron, you lovable lummox. I’ve missed you. He zips a stuffed suitcase closed and wonders how he and Sammi are going to fit all of their stuff into the car.
Jump to Hazlet, New Jersey, where Sammi is explaining to her mom that she and Ron are “going to the house together,” and who knows what will happen when they come out. “Me and Ron, somehow we keep coming back to one another,” Sammi tells us. Shut the front door! Sammi and Ron are back together? Who saw that coming?! What a crazy, unpredictable twist, you guys! Never saw it coming. “Right now we’re together and I’m happy,” she continues, and the inflection in her voice lets you know that there’s a huge, unspoken “but…” after that phrase. “I’m twenty-five years old, and I’m in a time in my life were I’m kind of, like, mature, and I’m where I want to be. And I’m happy with Ron, and hopefully me and Ron can get through this house this summer together.”
Ronnie slides Sammi’s suitcases down the front steps of her house, and when she catches him, he protests that they slipped. It’s good to see that their relationship is still based on mutual trust, respect, and honesty. Ronnie interviews that things are good with them right now. “We communicate very well, if there’s something that’s bothering me, I’m just going to tell her how I feel without actually hurting herfeelings, which I was pretty bad at in the past.” The only reason you’ve made any progress there, boy-o, is because Sammi has shut down her feelings when it comes to you, and plays the perfect automaton girlfriend. She’s like an extremely tan Stepford wife.
In the car Ronnie tells Sammi that he’s not really looking forward to living with a pregnant chick. Sammi thinks it will be cool. “Is it possible that Jenni can complain more than Snooki now that Snooki’s pregnant?” Ronnie asks. I’m sure she’ll try. “Oh my god,” Sammi laugh/sighs. Ronnie tells her that he’ll be much worse when he’s drunk. Won’t that be fun.
Providence, Rhode Island, where Pauly D is having the best day of his life! He is on the phone with his brofriend and life partner, Vinny. “You ready to do this, bro?” Vinny asks. “Oh, I’m ready.” Pauly interviews. “Me and Vinny are definitely going to do our thing this year.”
They speculate about who will be the first person at the house. “Probably Mike,” Pauly says. He tells Vinny that he talked to Mike the day before, and Mike sounded clean. They agree that they are willing to give Mike another chance. “Now that Mike’s back to normal, maybe we’ll get MVP back together, like it used to be,” Pauly tells us. He tells Vinny, “You better not leave me this time!” Vinny tells Pauly not to let him go, and Pauly says he’ll never let him go. Ever.
Mama Vinny is fussing over her son in Staten Island, telling him he should bring a robe. Because nothing says “I had a purported threesome with supposed lesbians” like a big, fluffy, terry cloth robe. “It’s good to have, you never know,” she tell him. Vinny sighs, but you know he’s totally bringing a robe. She tries to put a baseball cap on Vinny’s head, but he ducks away, protesting, “Mom, my hair!”
Vinny reminds us that last year he was exhausted, hit a low point, and left. Flashback to his emotional parting from Pauly. “I ended up getting my shit together, and coming back, and finishing the summer with my friends. Since then, I’ve been really trying to get my mind in check, uh… trying to get everything in check.”