And also make parody videos of rap songs. Cos I’m a rapper.
Vinny’s mom is feeding him, and asks if Nicole is really going to the shore. “Who’s gonna take care of her over there, you?” she asks. Mama Vinny is the quintessential Italian mom, and I love her. “Well, I was thinking,” Vinny says, “if Nicole and Jionni don’t work out, maybe, uh, I’ll step in for her.” “Why not?” his mom says, “You love her.” Seriously? This still burning torch for Snooki was barely touched on last season. Vinny says he’ll raise Jionni’s baby with Snooki because Jionni won’t be a good dad. “Don’t say that!” Mama scolds.
In New Egypt, New Jersey, a woman says, “You look good, D. I hope when you get down to the shore and you start boozin’ that you’re not gonna put on that weight.”
It’s a shiny new Deena!
“I just want to walk into the shore house, and be like, ‘New Deena, new attitude, new look,” Deena interviews. When the first pictures of the surgically enhanced Deena broke, I said she looked like the love child of Anjelica Huston and Kim Kardashian, and it was not meant as a compliment. But I think the Botox is wearing off, because her face seems a lot softer and more mobile than it did a few months ago. I still think that if she had only lost the weight and left her face alone she would look better, but as it is she looks pretty darn good.
“I hope I come in and they’re like, “Whoa, what did somebody do with Deena?” she tells her mom. She interviews, “I kind of want it to be like the first day I walked in,” and we are treated to an early-Deena montage, the highlight of which is when she accidentally dropped her bikini bottoms in front of Mike. She doesn’t want to do that again. Her mom asks what she’s going to do without her other Meatball, and Deena’s dad stand there with his arms folded, clearly thinking, “Hopefully not embarrass me so much on TV.” Deena admits to being nervous about that.
“Nicole’s pregnant, Mike’s clean, Ron and Sam are back together…. Who am I gonna play with?” And there she is, the same insecure, slightly socially inept, brave little toaster that breaks my heart. The doorbell rings and Deena goes to answer it, saying “It must be Chris.” Because Deena has a boyfriend! A really, truly, more-than-a-one-night-stand boyfriend! “I’m coming into the house with a boyfriend,” she tells us. “His name is Chris, and I’ve never really had a real, real boyfriend before. This is definitely going to be different.” She asks him if he’s going to miss her and he wisely answers, “Of course.” Deena interviews that this is the happiest she’s ever been and she just wants to get on a mountain and sing it. “Like, ‘I’M FINALLY HAPPY!!!” Oh, honey. She kisses Chris goodbye and drives away.
Snooki and JMomm are getting ready to “hit the road, bitch!” JMomm interviews that she feels like everything is different, especially because Snooki is pregnant and Mike is clean. “I’m really curious to see what the other roommates are all about. I really don’t know what to expect right now.” She hugs Rawdger good bye, and tells us that they’ve started to mature and grow up a little bit. “Better to start now than never,” she adds.
In the cab of Snooki’s truck, JMomm says that if anyone is in their beds, she’s kicking them out. I would imagine that they have long ago replaced Snooki’s pee-soaked mattress, but I don’t see anybody else wanting to sleep in that room. Vinny drives down the freeway, saying, “Seaside, here we go!” Deena is praying that someone is at the house to help her get all the shit out of her car. Mike tells us that he hasn’t driven over the bridge to Seaside sober since the first summer at the house. “The Situation’s back, baby!” God help us all.
After the commercial, Mike continues, “And to think, I almost didn’t make it this summer. I almost didn’t make it in many ways. Heh-heh. I almost didn’t make it back to real life. Heh-heh.” He parks in front of the shore house and goes inside to find that he’s the first one there. So naturally he starts cooking dinner, as per his master plan. “This meal that I’m cooking for the roommates right now is pretty much the Italian way of saying ‘I’m sorry.’” I thought the Italian way of saying “I’m sorry” was “mi dispiace,” but whatever. “Whatever happened in the past can be erased, cos I just cooked you some din-din,” Mike interviews. Looks like someone wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention when they covered the concept of making amends in rehab.
Deena arrives next, and parks where Mike’s Jeep was. What happened to Mike’s Jeep? Do they store the cast member’s vehicles over the summer, cos when they’re at the shore you only ever see them driving those black SUVs? Inquiring minds want to know! Deena opens the door and calls, “Hello?” She sees Mike and goes to give him a big hug. He explains that he is making dinner to surprise everyone and start the summer off on a good note. “Well let me get my shit out of the car, and then we can catch up,” Deena says. Mike offers to help, and Deena laughs, “I’m not gonna lie, I was gonna ask.” Mike goes to check his food first and make sure that the house won’t catch fire while they’re outside unloading the car. “You look good,” he calls after Deena.