Jersey Shore Recap: You Should Be Integritied of Yourself!

Recaps

By SuburBint | Thursday, October 11, 2012 | 10:00 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Jersey Shore, Recaps

“Time to smush, guys!” Jenni says as the roommates walk into the house. JMomm tells Rawdger that she wants a shower. Deena goes to bed by herself. The girl Pauly brought home goes into the downstairs bathroom, and Mike and Pauly go upstairs to get ready to smush. Ronnie, who is feeling puckish now that he’s gotten the angry out of his system, decides that this is an opportune time to steal the bedding from the smush room bed.

And then Ronnie falls down the stairs.

“I took a blanket!” he boasts to Sammi, like a naughty kindergartner who knows it’s mean to dip a girl’s hair in paste, but it’s just so damn funny. “Whose blanket?’ she asks. “Ours,” he giggles. Sammi tells him he shouldn’t have done that, but he’s so amused by the whole thing, he carries the blankets into their bedroom and starts to spread them over the bed. “Shh, it’s fine, shh,” he tells Sammi. So their relationship has made the swing from fine, to acrimonious, to volatile, to parent/child over the course of like 6 hours. Please, for the sake of humanity, break up!

In MVP’s room, Mike approaches Pauly. “Yo. Um… kinda got something going down.” Mike tells Pauly that his girl says Pauly’s girl is having her period, but “she says she wants to get down, but she’s like, ‘I don’t know if he wants to.’” Pauly covers his face with his hand. “I’ll tell you to your face, she’s a cute chick, but…” Pauly says he doesn’t get down like that. Mike says he doesn’t get down like that either. “What do we do now?” Pauly asks. Mike interviews, “In the SWAG handbook, rule number 667 states that you cannot have sex with a girl who’s on her period, unless it’s your girlfriend, and unless it’s your girlfriend for a minute.”

So sayeth the handbook, so sayeth we all.

I have to say, Mike is striking me as much less sketchy this episode. His body language has been calmer so far, he’s making eye contact with the camera, and he’s speaking in intelligible sentences more often than he was in the previous episode. It’s entirely possibly that what I was chalking up to nefariousness was nothing more than (perfectly legitimate) nervousness. I’m still skeptical, but I’m willing to admit it if I’m wrong.

Mike and Pauly come downstairs. “What a damper,” Mike says. Pauly’s girl leans against the wall, laughing. “So,” Mike tells her, “You guys have a situation, so do we.” “We’ve got work,” Pauly interjects. “And you,” Mike says to Pauly’s girl, “have… something….” But the guys are totes willing to hang out some other time. Say, in five to seven days. Mike asks if they can reschedule. Pauly has his eyes fixed firmly on the wall. For the first time in the history of Jersey Shore (as far as I know) Mike and Pauly get the girls’ phone numbers! What is going on?!

You are about to enter a world. A world in which Mike Sorrentino actually might go to the trouble of picking up the phone, talking to a girl, and getting to know her somewhat before screwing her and then kicking her to the curb.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

15 Comments

  1. 1
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 10:23 am

    You posted my fave avatar. I heart you so hard!

    It makes me think:

    “I am tired of these mutha fcking GUIDOS on this mutha fckin SHORE”

    On to reading.

  2. 2
    sassy
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    for the love of God, you are recapping the Jersey Shore, stop being so judgemental and negative!!!!! They get drunk, they are rude and crude and wild ..that , infact is the point

  3. 3
    mere2142
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    18 pages?!?! Holy shit – you totally outdid yourself with this one!

    I don’t get Snooki’s logic either…shocker.

    Tonight’s episode is being previewed as ‘the biggest fight at Karma ever’ and I couldn’t be more excited after the two-hour snoozefest they made us endure last week. Bring it!

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Even if the Bitchuation doesn’t start drinking and drugging brfore the end of the year, I still think you have nailed him. As I said on the previous post, Mike is a “dry user” and has to change his personality for the treatment (abbreviated as it was) to be successful.

    Another not so success? Snooki and Jionni. When I was with hubbycat when we were a new couple, clubbing with my friends was low on my list of things to do. We had fun being out together and that was the whole point. Still do, still is. The two of them look like a middle-aged couple stuck in a failing marraige, rather than a young couple in love. Or even in like.

    Back to reading.

  5. 5
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I must point out GBF and I played our own version of Eff, Marry, Kill this spring but we chose:

    Hipster
    Dooshbag
    Guido

    GBF wisely said the worst would be a combination of all three!

    Last night we had our Eureka moment on this! (obviously a week later than you SuperB) Vinny is a Guido Hipster Dooshbag: GHD.

    Flick that had off indeed.

    Is he not the Tamra Barney of the Jersey Shore???

  6. 6
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Gah! *hat!

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    @ sassy — OMG, you are so right. Here, let me try again.

    Re: Ronnie and Sammi’s fight in the club — They’re only fighting because they love each other SOOOOOO much. They are totally the bestest couple ever, except for Bella and Edward. Also, drinking so much that he can’t remember what he did the night before is just Ronnie’s way of blowing off steam, there is nothing worng with that, and it’s super mean to hold him responsible for his actions while he’s in that state!

    Re: Snooki’s constant whining about how being pregnant is ruining her fun potential — Being pregnant is really hard! I mean, babies totally ruin your figure, and your hormones are all wacky, and her fiancé isn’t there every single minute to rub her feet and tell her she looks beautiful. Not to mention the fact that babies are, like, totes rare and nobody has ever been through what Snooki’s going through right now!

    Re: Mike hanging out in clubs with his drunken roommates straight out of rehab — Mike has more willpower than anybody in the whole world! His abs are proof of that! Besides, he’s always been a paragon of restraint, as a review of the past five seasons will show; only brings one girl from Karma home at night, only occasionally loses his temper and tries to start fights with people, and he never drank as much as Ronnie back when he used to drink. So what if the statistical likelihood of addicts relapsing is like 70%? Mike is definitely in the 30% cos he is THAT awesome! I bet he’ll help a lot of other people at the clubs who have addiction issues as they see him sipping on his club soda and Red Bulls. What could possibly go wrong?

    Re: Deena’s… everything — Deena is awesome! She’s so pretty and skinny now, and that’s what is really important for a girl. I mean, she has a boyfriend now, right? What matters when you’re a girl is always being happy, pretty, and never ever making people around you have to deal with your real feelings or problems, because then you might not be as popular. Deena’s totally a pixie, a paper doll, a cartoon. She’s a chipper, cheerful free-for-all who lights up a room, and she’ll be totally happy and fulfilled as long as she sucks up and is nice.

    I could continue, but I’m making myself nauseous. As long as these people continue to indulge in unhealthy and hurtful behaviour, I will continue to be judgmental and “negative,” although I prefer to think of it as being reasonable and rational. Their foray into real life is preceded by four years and six seasons of ludicrously irresponsible behaviour from all of them and I don’t think a single cast member has shown any real personal growth or maturity (with the exception of Mike, depending on how he works his recovery.) What is laudable about remaining in the Stagnant Pond of Consequence-Free Perpetual Adolescence?

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    @ Mere — Who is fighting, do the commercials give any indication? They kept promising us big fights last season and nothing ever came out of it, I hope this is really a fight and not just someone getting botch slapped and their attacker being bounced.

    @ SSC — You hit the nail on the head with Snooki and Jionni. I’ve often wondered what they have in common because all we’ve ever seen them do on the show is get drunk together and have sex… I somehow doubt that they have a lot to talk about. Like I said in the recap, it looks like Jionni just might have a pretty good head on his shoulders and I think he could provide a steadying , sobering influence for Snooki.

    @ Gypsy — GHD; love it!

  9. 9
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    I think we will see a decent fight. I saw some footage on tmz a few months ago when the show was taping, it’s basically a bar brawl if it’s the same one I saw. IIRC charges were filed, but I don’t remember against who.

  10. 10
    Chef Pants
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 4:37 am

    http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/jersey-shore-castmates-reportedly-involved-in-big-weekend-bar-fight-13557.php

  11. 11
    Chef Pants
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 4:38 am

    Deena gets arrested also:

    http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/deena-cortese-arrested-for-public-intoxication-while-filming-jersey-shore–13554.php

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap SuperB!

    RAWDGAH throttled Jwoww. Not cool but I’ll wait for your next ‘cap.

    Steriods-they’re known for their cool, calm, level headed side effects.

  13. 13
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    SuburBint – I don’t think anyone calls Sammi “Sweetheart”. Rawn’s nicknames for her seem to be “asshole” and “bitch”. Myself, I prefer to call her “douchebag”, but hey, why choose?!

  14. 14
    darlingclementine
    Posted October 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Deena… awhhh she is like a young girl going through relationship stages as a young woman! Chris seems fine with it so far its just her roommates that aren’t so sympathetic.

    Vinny, you kinda suck.

    Sammi and Ron, ughhhhh.

    Snooki should just be a bubble girl for this season. Like correct me if I am wrong but can’t pregnant people even do simple rides like the farris wheel? like as long as it isnt tossing and turning around?

  15. 15
    SuburBint
    Posted October 13, 2012 at 11:21 am

    @ darling clementine — When I was at the county fair a few weeks back, the Ferris wheel had the same restrictions as the more exciting rides. It’s a liability issue, if Snooki were to go into premature labor on even the tamest of rides, she could hypothetically sue the ride owners, whether the ride were actually the cause or not. We are a litigious society.

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