Andy likes to start a convo with any woman off with some kind of comment about their fake tits or their botox or their hormone replacement therapies. I’ve always considered it his way of letting the women know that he owns their asses. This time, his opening line is: “What’s with the face?”
Jill launches into a nervous ramble about how her facial change isn’t because of desperation to get face lifts, it’s all Omega 3 oils. The woman’s like a piss pot at a construction site. You can dust it off, oil the hinges, paint it blue, but it’s still always gonna be, at its heart, full of shit.
Andy puts his concerned/confused/am I even at the right train station? look on and asks what it felt like to get fired. Instead of answering, she shrilly and incredulously asks why he fired her. Andy’s a pro. He could just say “cuz you’re an asshole” and end this whole thing right now, but that doesn’t pay the bills. Thankfully. Morality is for poor people with no bills they need Quaker Oats and Depends to pay.
Like a mom trying to explain for the first time why she smacked her five year old upside the head with a fly swatter, Andy tells Jill that he told her the day he fired her and many times after that her last reunion was toxic and hurtful and the readers wanted a change. Using the word toxic is super poetic, because in one of Jill’s famous bs reunion tantrums, she called Bethenny toxic. LOL. Andy doesn’t seem smart, but he really…likes diamond Pez dispensers shaped like Snoopy.
Jill glazes over until it’s time to interrupt him with rapid fire accusations that he took Bethenny and Alex’s side over hers immediately! She could tell by all the attention that he gave his precious Bethenny where she stood in his eyes. Look how much attention he gave Giggy, Lisa Vanderpump’s tiny balding dead any day now purse dog! Why, Jill saw that and went out and bout a shitty little terrified Chihuahua and put it in a tux to win Andy’s love and he never said a word about Ginger!
LOL! You guys? I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. She’s really accusing him of not loving her little rip off dog as much as he loves Lisa’s. Then, without taking a breath, she adds that she’s learned to just let things go. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! This must be what it’s like to be at the homeless shelter’s soup kitchen the one day a year Wolfgang Puck or someone good shows up to cook in front of a camera crew for charity points. Delicious, but still super sad.
While she’s got the imagined upper hand, she asks him if he regrets his stupid ass decision now that he’s ruined RHONY with new hags. You wanna know why the show sucked, Andy? Do ya? Cuz Jill Zarin has millions of fans out there boycotting! They love her in Des Moines! Ya can’t take Poughkeepsie out of her heart you bastard!!! Why aren’t you hearing the faaaaaans!!
Andy explains that everyone’s Twitter feed is different and that he hasn’t heard of people not liking the show at all. It started slow but improved week to week and the network is calling it a success. OUCH. Jill is silent for a second, because this is totally not going how she planned.
He rolls with her momentary silence and adds again that the viewers were insistent that things (coughYOUcough) change. Jill snaps out of it and starts her political shit. She’s great! She’s so happy! She’s thrilled to be alive! She loved Alex and she was never really mean to Alex at the last reunion!
Cut to Jill calling Alex a bitch like ten times at the reunion. HA. She blabbers maniacally about everyone wanting to know she’s ok, as if everyone thought she was trapped under rubble for all this time. Her family’s great! Her husband’s still breathing! Her dog is wonderful! Andy has a look equal parts pity and boredom.