Kourtney and Kim Doublecap: Cat Poo and the Scottleganger

Recaps

By CathodeTube | Wednesday, January 23, 2013 | 6:00 am | 10 Comments
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Posted in: Kourtney and Kim, Recaps

Greetings Gasmii, you beautiful dolls and action figures! Thank you letting me help you prevent the loss of hours of your lives. It is my great pleasure.

Per the closed-captioning, the theme song really does go “Humina humina humina ha.” A Kris Jenner joint, no doubt.

So, in Miami there are lots of butts. No faces, because they cost money and need release forms. Miami has missed the Kardashians’ butts, or so they believe.

Little Mason Dash is the true star of this show, just like little KJ on that Kim Zolciak Big Tardy Wedding show that I didn’t watch (thanks BelowSeaLevel!) The sisters chatter on about the last time they were in Miami, and Mason crows that he remembers it all.

…except, or maybe including, his drunk dad. Is Miami where Scott shoved the C-note in the waiter’s mouth? That’s all anyone really needs to know about Scott. He’s been banned from the show for the first few minutes so he can be talked about and there can be flashbacks of a time when Mason had the bald bobbly baby head that Penelope now has, and Scott was more insufferable, er, less sufferable? than he is now.

All these half-dressed beach bodies remind me of a song.

“You just popped in Kanye’s get right for the summer workout plan.
And ladies, if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you

a rapper…

an NBA player…

hey, at least a dude with a car…”

Life imitating art is not cool. It’s redundant.

Flashback of Scott’s awful antics and some makeupy krocodile tears over it. Kourtney’s babies are better behaved than Scott, and always will be.

Khloe tells us she and Lamar will be “hotelling it up” so Khloe can watch herself get fertility shots in a mirror on the ceiling. The other two sisters are going to work on Dash, the store that runs itself (sort of).

Mr. Kanye Kardashian West is in Hawaii (where he made the 808s record, so maybe he’s singing again…) He’s sending Kim something to keep her company – sadly, it’s not a vibrator, as Khloe guesses.

Humphries redux, in case anyone missed Kim’s 72-day marriage to that guy no one’s cared about before or since. And I can’t help but think that his agent is paying E! per name drop. Please move on.

So KanYeezy, in his infinite wisdom, has sent Kim a brand new kitty. He named it, too – Mercy. And I bet he didn’t send along the bottle of sedative pills they used to get it to sit still on the plane. Ko and Khlo agree Kiki will be over this little gift in no time.

And yes, it poops. Thank you, Osbournes, for making pet poo a reality staple.

So they pack up the fam and swing by Dash, which is run by slobs. Apparently there’s no “if you can lean, you can clean” sign in the back. Ko and Khlo get bitchy about it, which Khlo later refers to as “HAM”. Oh, you mean Hard As a Manager? Stores need those, you know. Kim actually tries to get them to spread some positive with the negative. Point for Kim – treasure it.

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CathodeTube

CathodeTube has wanted to be a recapper ever since she read the MightyBigTV interview with Sars and James Van Der Beek. She lives in Chicago with her husband and baby son, and adores hip-hop, cop shows, competitive reality TV, and all foods involving melted cheese. She used to copyedit made-up blogs for the "reputation management" of people who got themselves on The Dirty or Mugshots.com. Turns out google-bombing doesn't work anymore, so now she writes product copy, is much happier, and still wears stretchy pants at all times.

10 Comments

  1. 1
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Excellent job Cat, one minor correction- I beleive when Scott stuffed the money in the Waiter’s mouth, it was in Vegas.

    Anyhoo, I say dump the lot and just show Mason and Scott. mason is adorable and Lord Dick 8is fun to watch!

    Gee, hope Kim doesn’t misplace her spawn like she did her cat!

    I see Kourt is still bossing Scott around, stinky as she is at the moment, what a schmuck. If I was Scott I would tell her to go fuck herself.

    Again, thanks for your recap so i don’t have to watch the entire show, keep up the good snark!

  2. 2
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Thanks Pat!! For the props and for clearing up Vegas. Past seasons are all one big-butted blur.

  3. 3
    JennBug
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Great recap!! The Kardashians always bring families together!

  4. 4
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    “I had no idea that kittens just weren’t already trained to go in their litter box.”
    Kim Kardashian

    We live in a world where that’s a real quote now. These hos aren’t even trying to get people’s disbelief suspended.

    Kourtney’s just now started to notice tending to 2 babies is a lot of work. Most people that’ve got even a little bit of extra $ would just hire staff. Oh wait. They’ve already got like >9000 staff.

    But according to her sisters her sorry ass douchefart of a sperm donor’s the only person in the world that can help her get the stroller out. Maybe it’s 1 of those fancy biometric 1s from Japan. That’s set to his retina molecule secretions or something.

  5. 5
    JennBug
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    And who the fuck takes a kitten for a walk in Miami……carrying the poor thing on your shoulder like its an overpriced designer handbag???? No wonder the poor thing went crazy!!

  6. 6
    Considerthis
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Question – how pregnant is Kim now? When did they start filming this season? The point is was Kim pulling a bullshit lie by claiming she has fertility issues and might not never get pregnant when she actually was already pregnant? Anybody?

  7. 7
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Considerthis, I think she was already knocked up- if indeed she is. I came to realize several years ago that of all these f-ing reality shows, this one is the most staged, and least realistic of all.

    Not sure about the fertility issues; I knoe Khloe has some, but as far as this douchebag, she lies so much she is most likely once again full of shit.

    Just my 2 cents…

  8. 8
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I hope she knows kids aren’t born knowing how to use the toilet! Or maybe I don’t… I read somewhere she was due in July, which means she would have found out in November, or maybe December if she attributed her missed period to her aging womb…

  9. 9
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    … and I’m not sure when the show was filmed. Can’t tell seasons in Miami. I’ll find out!

  10. 10
    JennBug
    Posted February 11, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    I know I am super late on this, but Kim can not let her sisters have anything she doesn’t…….even when it’s fertility problems. Bullshit you’ve been dealing with them for awhile……she is a jealous hag!!!

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