Greetings Gasmii, you beautiful dolls and action figures! Thank you letting me help you prevent the loss of hours of your lives. It is my great pleasure.
Per the closed-captioning, the theme song really does go “Humina humina humina ha.” A Kris Jenner joint, no doubt.
So, in Miami there are lots of butts. No faces, because they cost money and need release forms. Miami has missed the Kardashians’ butts, or so they believe.
Little Mason Dash is the true star of this show, just like little KJ on that Kim Zolciak Big Tardy Wedding show that I didn’t watch (thanks BelowSeaLevel!) The sisters chatter on about the last time they were in Miami, and Mason crows that he remembers it all.
…except, or maybe including, his drunk dad. Is Miami where Scott shoved the C-note in the waiter’s mouth? That’s all anyone really needs to know about Scott. He’s been banned from the show for the first few minutes so he can be talked about and there can be flashbacks of a time when Mason had the bald bobbly baby head that Penelope now has, and Scott was more insufferable, er, less sufferable? than he is now.
All these half-dressed beach bodies remind me of a song.
“You just popped in Kanye’s get right for the summer workout plan.
And ladies, if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you
an NBA player…
hey, at least a dude with a car…”
Life imitating art is not cool. It’s redundant.
Flashback of Scott’s awful antics and some makeupy krocodile tears over it. Kourtney’s babies are better behaved than Scott, and always will be.
Khloe tells us she and Lamar will be “hotelling it up” so Khloe can watch herself get fertility shots in a mirror on the ceiling. The other two sisters are going to work on Dash, the store that runs itself (sort of).
Mr. Kanye Kardashian West is in Hawaii (where he made the 808s record, so maybe he’s singing again…) He’s sending Kim something to keep her company – sadly, it’s not a vibrator, as Khloe guesses.
Humphries redux, in case anyone missed Kim’s 72-day marriage to that guy no one’s cared about before or since. And I can’t help but think that his agent is paying E! per name drop. Please move on.
So KanYeezy, in his infinite wisdom, has sent Kim a brand new kitty. He named it, too – Mercy. And I bet he didn’t send along the bottle of sedative pills they used to get it to sit still on the plane. Ko and Khlo agree Kiki will be over this little gift in no time.
And yes, it poops. Thank you, Osbournes, for making pet poo a reality staple.
So they pack up the fam and swing by Dash, which is run by slobs. Apparently there’s no “if you can lean, you can clean” sign in the back. Ko and Khlo get bitchy about it, which Khlo later refers to as “HAM”. Oh, you mean Hard As a Manager? Stores need those, you know. Kim actually tries to get them to spread some positive with the negative. Point for Kim – treasure it.