Not-Kim and Not-Kim look for a new location for Dash. Khlo and Mason conspire to spray Kourtney with perfume. Mason tells Kourt she stinks like a bear. Awesome. She doesn’t want him spraying that dangerous perfume into his eyes, natch.
Hey, Mercy’s crapping in her box! And the cameras are still kind enough to show us the tiny turd! Kourtney has a fat tummy and can’t get her dress on or something. Hey Kourt, 3 words from one mommy to another: Cotton-spandex blend.
Scott’s seeing Chapman on the down-low. That is to say, he’s keeping his racecar driving, and anything that happens off camera or in his fantasies, a secret from Kourt. Great idea. Khlo suggests that he tell Kourt, and he should say that he also does not like some of the things she does, like going green and smelling bad.
Sushi place. Mmm… sushi.
Kim wants to know why Kourtney doesn’t want to go to a wild-n-crazy movie with her sisters. I confess I’m actually listening to my son jump up and down in his bouncer while watching six plastic swollen lips flap up and down on TV. Show the sushi some more. No, not a gratuitous shot of Kim’s mouth on the tempura. Khrist. Anyway, Kim has a problem with Kourtney’s new, more mellow (“miserable” and “boring” per Kim) life with the kids. Hey Kim, some parents like spending time with their kids. This talk ends with Kourt throwing her napkin down and calling Kim a bitch, and turning her back so we can see her dress doesn’t shut all the way. Oof. That’s why everything I wear is pullover.
The other two follow Kourtney and her gaping dress out to the parking lot. It’s a stupid argument they’re having, but also, Kim’s not not a bitch. Kim takes shelter at the home of the Pippens, who have 4 kids and are therefore twice as boring as Kourt. Larsa boringly notes that it would be cool to have Kan the Louis Vuitton Don for a babydaddy. You can hear Kim’s mind running through this like a pentium II processor.
Khlo shows up in Kourt’s room with a bag full of deodorant sticks. Kourt’s not having any of them. So Khlo goes and chases Kim into the bar downstairs to try and make her cry. Egg levels… blood test… lightbulb! The truth is, Kim’s like reverse-psychologizing herself so she won’t be disappointed if it turns out she can’t conceive at all. Dude, she’s not deep enough to understand all that. Chalk it up to the more credible bitchiness.
Speaking of couples, Khloe and Kourt are getting massage together! After Khloe warns the masseuses about Kourt’s terrible odor and suggests they rub some of that dead-body stuff on their upper lips so they can even stand to touch her, Kourtney puts the staff out of the room and informs Khlo that her scent is called “au naturel,” not “stinky.” Who says you can’t learn anything from this show? Khloe explains that she didn’t want to be insensitive, that’s why she went around telling everyone on the planet that her sister smells like an onion jumped on a rotten egg and farted.
Kourtney notes that she has the confidence of a
queef queen, so it ain’t no thing.