Kourtney and Kim Recap: Dead Air

What’s good, Gasmii? Thanks for helping me mock this show for yet another week. And thanks, E! Enterpainment for running the ep approximately every two hours. DirecTV is trying unsuccessfully to extort more money from me by refusing to DVR two shows at once. If the airings of this one weren’t so plentiful, I might have had to miss an awesome The Good Wife in which Julianna Margulies and Josh Charles totally yell at each other and then totally make out.

Speaking of TV cliches, tonight’s shit-com opens on some blowjob jokes. Also, nachos! Scott gets all “gross” about Kourt getting things shoved in her mouth, and they go on to debate before the viewing public (that is to say, me and Kris Jenner) about whether or not Kourt “gets down” enough. She does not, says Scott – they never have any fun, and it’s always rushed, so that Scott’s practically trained himself to prematurely ejaculate.

If Scott really has as little sex as he claims, I encourage him to do more gambling.

Also not getting the particular sex he wants is young Rob Kardashian, who has just broken up with some starlet who hid their relationship so she could be perceived as single. Do you guys know who it is? All I know is she’s British. Apparently Rob’s going about embarrassing himself all over the twitter to keep himself from taking her back.

The sisters take time out of their busy sitting-in-bed schedules urge him to get revenge by having a good body.

Kourtney wants a house, or a cabin. Scott wants her to notice his pink underwear and possibly his boner. I’m not sure – I had my eyes closed.

Kim and Kourt take Mason and the li’l Pippen girl to some place where kids can see a giant toothbrush and then pretend to grocery shop. Kourt non-sequitirs that this would all be perfect if she just had a yard.

Rob’s flavor of the week has asked him to ask Kim if she can be on a Kanye track. Kim says no, and Rob turns his bitchiness toward her. So Kim tattles on the phone to her momager, as you do when you’re a friggin’ adult, sharing the nugget that Rob said he hopes Kim’s sex tape haunts her for the rest of her life. Pfft, no, it haunts us, as it keeps her from going away, try as we will to ignore her.

I know this meme is several years dead, but it makes me chuckle and seems apropos here.

(However, I would have said Pam Anderson & Tommy Lee and not made a typo.)

Restaurant… Kanye… Mason… shrimp… 

The hell am I doing here? I got new veneers for this?

Rob calls and says he’s sorry he was such a bitch to Kim. He’s coming to town to launch a Neiman Marcus sock line and get his self-esteem further obliterated by his sisters.