Kourtney and Kim Recap: Ho Remedies

Recaps

By CathodeTube | Monday, January 28, 2013 | 4:32 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Kourtney and Kim, Recaps

Whaddup Gasmii! Welcome to Ep 3 of Krappy & Krappier Stink Up Miami. We open on baby talk, talk of babies, that is, in fairly adult voices (surprisingly). As you might guess, Princess Kim dreads the thought of having giant feet and an even gianter butt. “I’d die,” she says. Promise? Kourtney sticks a sofa pillow under Kim’s shirt, and she has a pretend square pregnancy. Kim doesn’t want her clothes not to fit. Shut up you ignorant slut, and I don’t mean that in a cool Jane Curtin kind of way. A. You can afford other clothes. B. You’ll probably shrink back down, since you can also afford a personal chef. See also: Kanye’s workout plan.

Did anyone watch The Good Wife? Chris Noth was looking very Mr. Big, very distinguished. I love me some salt-n-pepper hair. And I am confused as to Juliana Margulies’ (the titular wife) motives and somewhat worried… she seems ready to go way off the reservation. This whole “I’m an atheist” thing is just a preview. Oh, and Christine Baranski? Cold as ice. We know Juliana is past the point where she takes that type of crap.

Sorry. Where were we?

Pillow fight. Humina ha. Stop this show, stop this show.

Kim and Scott go to Chapman’s house in the rain. Dopple-reuinion. Bro-slaps on backs. Scott camera-preens that it’s nice to have a friend as good looking as he is. Meh.

Did you guys know Scott used to be a model?!

Chapman is richer than God or something, and his wife MK (pronounced “mmmkayyy?” I’m guessing) is wearing a Missoni (?) swim cover that I envy.

And what the crap? Rachel from Road Rules The Challenge Duel Inferno Dragnet is here! Way to drive a trailer through this garden party! This chick recap-follows me, I swear. Kourtney is absent, due to the kid-unfriendliness of the party and the house – you never know, Mason might bite Rachel in the leg and get bitch poisoning. So, Kim is Scott’s date, and her role is to goo and gaa over all the pretty expensive stuff, and I don’t think there’s going to be a catfight, and I’m sad.

Rachel’s companion-but-not-girlfriend is none other than Firewoman Dani Campbell, the runner up from Tila Tequila’s Both Ways Bachelorette show. Man, have I ever not had free time to waste on TV? Apparently not.

Clearly this party was assembled by Central Reality Ho Casting…

…who are lazy, because I would much rather have seen Tabatha Coffey whip Dash into shape. She’s a lesbian, too, but I bet not as prone to Disickesque bar antics.

Scott’s nervous. The last thing he wants to have is a threesome awkward threesome awkward situation because he can’t relate to women who have sex with women because why now? That is so stupid, Scott. But he’s in luck, because Chapman wears a Prada Speedo, which is totally relatable. The sun comes out, everyone takes off their clothes, and I swear it looks like Chapman smells Rachel’s bathing suit cover. I rewound it once and I’m not going to do it again. Because I actually cannot relate, unless said smelling of clothes has something to do with whether or not clothes go in the laundry. Oh, okay. It sure is nice of Chapman to wash his guests’ clothes. Turns out Scott, Dani & Chapman are triplegangers.

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CathodeTube

CathodeTube has wanted to be a recapper ever since she read the MightyBigTV interview with Sars and James Van Der Beek. She lives in Chicago with her husband and baby son, and adores hip-hop, cop shows, competitive reality TV, and all foods involving melted cheese. She used to copyedit made-up blogs for the "reputation management" of people who got themselves on The Dirty or Mugshots.com. Turns out google-bombing doesn't work anymore, so now she writes product copy, is much happier, and still wears stretchy pants at all times.

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Tmurda
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Breast milk is one of the most disgusting things in the world, IMO. I am a paramedic, and can handle puke, poop, blood, broken bones sticking out of the skin, etc, but breast milk makes me want to throw up. Not sure why….I just cringe even thinking about it….*blech**gag*

  2. 2
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:37 am

    New it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the Kard Klan would have to whore it on to the show – Bruce’s face has that freshly minted burn victim color and gloss to it.

    I think MMMMMKay is a MMMMMMuncher as in carpet and Chapman wears assless chaps man when he is playing Village People dress-up. Both covering for each other in a loving relationship.

    Is there a clause that says that a Kard has to be in every scene because Kim at the pool party was about as appropriate as a turd in a punch bowl. She was not dressed for it, looked so sceeved out by the misfit gay, les, trans,bi attendees and bolted 5 minutes after arriving.

    Did anybody notice the “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” book beside her when she is babysitting. Good Lord the baby/mom/parenting shit this season is too much.

    ANALOGY TIME; Kourt is to pleasant/easy going as ______________ (fill in the blank). I honestly tried but I cannot think of anything that is that opposite. She is a miserable twat that has some very unhealthy realtionships – way overattached to her kids and way underattached to all other humans.

  3. 3
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    @considerthis A cactus on a hemmorhoid? Wait, am I allowed to play?
    True story: My son is 100% formula-fed. I trust the folks at Similac more than my own body. Also, it’s nice to be able to take pills that help you NOT BE A SHRIEKING LOON/jealous weirdo/stankyass, etc.

  4. 4
    sardini
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    @Cathode Tube YES!! I tried the breast feeding cult for a week, and when my body said, “No milk, sorry” I ended it. No I can take my Paxil in peace and also let my husband help with nightly feedings.

  5. 5
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Niice @Cathod! Love the cactus.

    I too never breast fed and my 5 foot tall flourishing straight A soccer star 12 yr old son seems to be doing just fine. Like I said, Kort seems to have very neurotic tendencies and bizzare realtionships.

  6. 6
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    “I’d die” (says Kim) “Promise? Cathode Tube you had me at that word, that was funny shit.

    I never watch this freak show entirely, but I do peek in during commercials to see Kim the fatass make an ASS out of herself- I saw some of the breast milk caper and I was totally grossed out. She should hook up with that freak show Honey Boo Boo and her white trash family, I’d watch that!

    Poor Scott, he should leave that miserable bitch who treats him like crap

    Mason really is cute, though, can he be on alone?
    Thanks for the many chuckles you gave me with this recap, keep ‘em coming Doll. Oh, did I just use that word? Amazing! Argh, I did it agin, I must be turning cray cray

  7. 7
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    A Rhino is to soft/cuddly.

  8. 8
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Oh crap..wrong game. I thought it was the other one. “This is to that” etc…

    Sorry. Can’t think of anything better than the catcus!’

    Robin

  9. 9
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Robin, you have it right! I should have said a cactus is to soothing-on-a-hemorrhoid. Thank you, ladies, for your solidarity in wanting to keep your breasts to yourselves! It helps to hear that. If I had time for activist stuff, I’d try and offset this leche league propaganda.

  10. 10
    Danielle
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!!! I couldn’t remember where that girl Dani was from!!!

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 18, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I fell asleep trying to get caught up tv viewing and dreamed I was watching somebody squirt milk out of her boob onto her sister’s leg sore.

    Something’s not right. I might need to call a counselor.

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