Whaddup Gasmii! Welcome to Ep 3 of Krappy & Krappier Stink Up Miami. We open on baby talk, talk of babies, that is, in fairly adult voices (surprisingly). As you might guess, Princess Kim dreads the thought of having giant feet and an even gianter butt. “I’d die,” she says. Promise? Kourtney sticks a sofa pillow under Kim’s shirt, and she has a pretend square pregnancy. Kim doesn’t want her clothes not to fit. Shut up you ignorant slut, and I don’t mean that in a cool Jane Curtin kind of way. A. You can afford other clothes. B. You’ll probably shrink back down, since you can also afford a personal chef. See also: Kanye’s workout plan.
Did anyone watch The Good Wife? Chris Noth was looking very Mr. Big, very distinguished. I love me some salt-n-pepper hair. And I am confused as to Juliana Margulies’ (the titular wife) motives and somewhat worried… she seems ready to go way off the reservation. This whole “I’m an atheist” thing is just a preview. Oh, and Christine Baranski? Cold as ice. We know Juliana is past the point where she takes that type of crap.
Sorry. Where were we?
Pillow fight. Humina ha. Stop this show, stop this show.
Kim and Scott go to Chapman’s house in the rain. Dopple-reuinion. Bro-slaps on backs. Scott camera-preens that it’s nice to have a friend as good looking as he is. Meh.
Did you guys know Scott used to be a model?!
Chapman is richer than God or something, and his wife MK (pronounced “mmmkayyy?” I’m guessing) is wearing a Missoni (?) swim cover that I envy.
And what the crap? Rachel from Road Rules The Challenge Duel Inferno Dragnet is here! Way to drive a trailer through this garden party! This chick recap-follows me, I swear. Kourtney is absent, due to the kid-unfriendliness of the party and the house – you never know, Mason might bite Rachel in the leg and get bitch poisoning. So, Kim is Scott’s date, and her role is to goo and gaa over all the pretty expensive stuff, and I don’t think there’s going to be a catfight, and I’m sad.
Rachel’s companion-but-not-girlfriend is none other than Firewoman Dani Campbell, the runner up from Tila Tequila’s Both Ways Bachelorette show. Man, have I ever not had free time to waste on TV? Apparently not.
Clearly this party was assembled by Central Reality Ho Casting…
…who are lazy, because I would much rather have seen Tabatha Coffey whip Dash into shape. She’s a lesbian, too, but I bet not as prone to Disickesque bar antics.
Scott’s nervous. The last thing he wants to have is a
threesome awkward threesome awkward situation because he can’t relate to women who have sex with women because why now? That is so stupid, Scott. But he’s in luck, because Chapman wears a Prada Speedo, which is totally relatable. The sun comes out, everyone takes off their clothes, and I swear it looks like Chapman smells Rachel’s bathing suit cover. I rewound it once and I’m not going to do it again. Because I actually cannot relate, unless said smelling of clothes has something to do with whether or not clothes go in the laundry. Oh, okay. It sure is nice of Chapman to wash his guests’ clothes. Turns out Scott, Dani & Chapman are triplegangers.