Kourtney and Kim Recap: Ho Remedies

Recaps

By CathodeTube | Monday, January 28, 2013 | 4:32 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Kourtney and Kim, Recaps

Skyline beach porn scene transition! Yay! I can’t say “butt porn” when they show butts as the scene transition. Not the Google results I’m going for. Kourtney’s gonna go on the balcony and jump do yoga. Mason wants to do downward dog, it appears. Ko wants him to open his third eye. However, he prefers to keep his third eye closed, thank you very much.

Contrast that with the whooping-up that’s happening at Chapman’s at the very same time.

I was promised last week that this splash would be fraught with drama.

Scott “gets” the lesbians! They “get” him! They’ve all had sex with Tila Tequila! What are the odds?

Kim will get nothing and like it. She’s putting her shoes back on to leave.

Is Kim wearing a leather skirt to a pool party? No wonder she’s gonna go home. I’ll bet the Thighs That Ate New York are chafing like a mofo. And why miss the chance to do hot yoga with Kourt’s non-deodorant wearing ass? Much more fun than hanging out on the Boogie Nights set.

Kourtney and Kim talk on the phone as Kim drives, and Kourt’s whole “why doesn’t he come home to his family?” is too ridiculous to recap in much more detail. Lady, even if you were as interesting as you think you are, dude can’t be with all-you, all-the-time. That’s silly. Also, he’s not even supposed to be in Miami, so how would you rationalize what he was doing not with you if he wasn’t in the city you told him not to come to?

Chin up, Scott. You could be Leif Garrett.

Kourtney’ Skype therapist, or possibly a youtube vid, tells Kourt that she needs to write down her thoughts in emails on her phone but not send them to Scott. Holy kommon sense, Batman. Did that lady just get paid for that? And are pen and paper permitted in rich people land? Just wondering.

The next sequence is awfuller than that oily enema from that other season. Kim goes a-Googling for homo home homeopathic remedies and finds out that breast milk can cure her psoriasis. Well, on the plus side, it’s bound to have fewer side effects than Enbrel. So like the morally ruptured twatbasket that she is, she steals it. Choadan is her partner in crime, and she camera-talks about stealing from her sisters when she was younger and the thrill of getting away with it, and she’s just a child.

Babies having babies. Ain’t it a shame.

The next morning, Kim’s crack in some see through pjs tells Choad that it’s working, by golly! He tries to convince her to stop the madness, and she indignantly tells the camera that he has no idea what it’s like to have psoriasis and have no other choice but to steal milk from your sister, really from your niece. Choad makes the perfectly logical suggestion that she should just ask Kourt to pump some more. No! says Kim. She hates to pump. How considerate.

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CathodeTube

CathodeTube has wanted to be a recapper ever since she read the MightyBigTV interview with Sars and James Van Der Beek. She lives in Chicago with her husband and baby son, and adores hip-hop, cop shows, competitive reality TV, and all foods involving melted cheese. She used to copyedit made-up blogs for the "reputation management" of people who got themselves on The Dirty or Mugshots.com. Turns out google-bombing doesn't work anymore, so now she writes product copy, is much happier, and still wears stretchy pants at all times.

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Tmurda
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Breast milk is one of the most disgusting things in the world, IMO. I am a paramedic, and can handle puke, poop, blood, broken bones sticking out of the skin, etc, but breast milk makes me want to throw up. Not sure why….I just cringe even thinking about it….*blech**gag*

  2. 2
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:37 am

    New it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the Kard Klan would have to whore it on to the show – Bruce’s face has that freshly minted burn victim color and gloss to it.

    I think MMMMMKay is a MMMMMMuncher as in carpet and Chapman wears assless chaps man when he is playing Village People dress-up. Both covering for each other in a loving relationship.

    Is there a clause that says that a Kard has to be in every scene because Kim at the pool party was about as appropriate as a turd in a punch bowl. She was not dressed for it, looked so sceeved out by the misfit gay, les, trans,bi attendees and bolted 5 minutes after arriving.

    Did anybody notice the “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” book beside her when she is babysitting. Good Lord the baby/mom/parenting shit this season is too much.

    ANALOGY TIME; Kourt is to pleasant/easy going as ______________ (fill in the blank). I honestly tried but I cannot think of anything that is that opposite. She is a miserable twat that has some very unhealthy realtionships – way overattached to her kids and way underattached to all other humans.

  3. 3
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    @considerthis A cactus on a hemmorhoid? Wait, am I allowed to play?
    True story: My son is 100% formula-fed. I trust the folks at Similac more than my own body. Also, it’s nice to be able to take pills that help you NOT BE A SHRIEKING LOON/jealous weirdo/stankyass, etc.

  4. 4
    sardini
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    @Cathode Tube YES!! I tried the breast feeding cult for a week, and when my body said, “No milk, sorry” I ended it. No I can take my Paxil in peace and also let my husband help with nightly feedings.

  5. 5
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Niice @Cathod! Love the cactus.

    I too never breast fed and my 5 foot tall flourishing straight A soccer star 12 yr old son seems to be doing just fine. Like I said, Kort seems to have very neurotic tendencies and bizzare realtionships.

  6. 6
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    “I’d die” (says Kim) “Promise? Cathode Tube you had me at that word, that was funny shit.

    I never watch this freak show entirely, but I do peek in during commercials to see Kim the fatass make an ASS out of herself- I saw some of the breast milk caper and I was totally grossed out. She should hook up with that freak show Honey Boo Boo and her white trash family, I’d watch that!

    Poor Scott, he should leave that miserable bitch who treats him like crap

    Mason really is cute, though, can he be on alone?
    Thanks for the many chuckles you gave me with this recap, keep ‘em coming Doll. Oh, did I just use that word? Amazing! Argh, I did it agin, I must be turning cray cray

  7. 7
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    A Rhino is to soft/cuddly.

  8. 8
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Oh crap..wrong game. I thought it was the other one. “This is to that” etc…

    Sorry. Can’t think of anything better than the catcus!’

    Robin

  9. 9
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Robin, you have it right! I should have said a cactus is to soothing-on-a-hemorrhoid. Thank you, ladies, for your solidarity in wanting to keep your breasts to yourselves! It helps to hear that. If I had time for activist stuff, I’d try and offset this leche league propaganda.

  10. 10
    Danielle
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!!! I couldn’t remember where that girl Dani was from!!!

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 18, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I fell asleep trying to get caught up tv viewing and dreamed I was watching somebody squirt milk out of her boob onto her sister’s leg sore.

    Something’s not right. I might need to call a counselor.

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