Kourtney and Kim Recap: Ho Remedies

Recaps

By CathodeTube | Monday, January 28, 2013 | 4:32 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Kourtney and Kim, Recaps

The breast milk plot is thickening ‘cause the supply is dwindling. Kim takes this opportunity to say “get high off my own supply,” which is something I’ve heard Kanye say, and shut up Kim, don’t just insert phrases at random. Your breast milk would curdle instantly. Can we dispense with this plot line for the love of all that is holy? It’s 10 kinds of wrong every time you bring it up, Kim. Stop bringing it up again and going “how about now?”

Chumpan, I think, is coping with this whole thing through marijuana maintenance. He actually says “God, you’re so smart” to Kim and it sounds like he means it. And it sounds dopey, as if his judgment were impaired.

Bla bla bla Kim says she needs breast milk for the cat. Kourtney’s not buying it, because she has fewer rocks in her head than Kim has. Out comes the breast pump. Chumpan eventually wears the breast pump, because Kourtney won’t give up the funk milk unless he does, and these people all would be institutionalized if they weren’t rich. Stop using that cat as a prop, Kim, you lump of pure evil.

Ko confronts Sco ‘cause she got an email saying he’s going back to New York. What’s up with that, she asks. I can’t win with you. Evah. says Scott. We need to hash this out ‘til our faces turn blue, says Ko. No, says Sco, because I’ve given up.

I grew my beard again. I’m ready to skulk back to my cave.

If they’re in couples counseling together, Scott wasn’t paying attention when the therapist taught them about “I” statements, which still doesn’t make Ko any less wrong. What is Scott holding? Is that a plastic lion? Somehow they make up and say nice things to each other. Yawn.

Devious music again! Kim’s hooked on the stuff. Her need for the boobie milk has made her weave even rattier and her clothes even slovenlier. Take heed kids. This stuff is serious. She’s lost interest in the things she used to care about because her every thought is consumed by the boobie milk. She doesn’t even smuggle it away this time, she needs it so bad she just flops down in front of the open fridge and starts dabbing it all over her little autoimmune patches. So of course Ko walks in on her and protests that this is not okay. Ko says what Cho said – Kim should have asked. I swear, the homeless guy in front of the 7-11 has more class than Kim.

Fro Yo! And Ko and Sco and Dani the honorary bro. Dani is charming as always, and Ko likes her! Whoa. Her heart grew three sizes that day, or her frozen heart was melted into a syrupy goo or something. Mmm… fro yo.

And Kim and Ko make up, too, because it’s the end of the show. Ko even agrees to let Kim use her breast milk if Kim will let her spray it right from the boob. I’m not making this up because I wouldn’t make this up. I wouldn’t think about it at all if I didn’t have to. Princess Kim makes Ko rub the fresh breast milk into her little autoimmune spots, or as I like to call them, places where evil has burst through the skin. Princess Kim thinks Ko’s breast milk is disgusting unless it’s contained in a bottle from which she can take little dabs. Everyone says eeew, and that’s it for this week’s Lifestyles of the Crass and Stupid. Join us next week, when Bruce Jenner is a huge plastic baby.

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CathodeTube

CathodeTube has wanted to be a recapper ever since she read the MightyBigTV interview with Sars and James Van Der Beek. She lives in Chicago with her husband and baby son, and adores hip-hop, cop shows, competitive reality TV, and all foods involving melted cheese. She used to copyedit made-up blogs for the "reputation management" of people who got themselves on The Dirty or Mugshots.com. Turns out google-bombing doesn't work anymore, so now she writes product copy, is much happier, and still wears stretchy pants at all times.

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Tmurda
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Breast milk is one of the most disgusting things in the world, IMO. I am a paramedic, and can handle puke, poop, blood, broken bones sticking out of the skin, etc, but breast milk makes me want to throw up. Not sure why….I just cringe even thinking about it….*blech**gag*

  2. 2
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:37 am

    New it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the Kard Klan would have to whore it on to the show – Bruce’s face has that freshly minted burn victim color and gloss to it.

    I think MMMMMKay is a MMMMMMuncher as in carpet and Chapman wears assless chaps man when he is playing Village People dress-up. Both covering for each other in a loving relationship.

    Is there a clause that says that a Kard has to be in every scene because Kim at the pool party was about as appropriate as a turd in a punch bowl. She was not dressed for it, looked so sceeved out by the misfit gay, les, trans,bi attendees and bolted 5 minutes after arriving.

    Did anybody notice the “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” book beside her when she is babysitting. Good Lord the baby/mom/parenting shit this season is too much.

    ANALOGY TIME; Kourt is to pleasant/easy going as ______________ (fill in the blank). I honestly tried but I cannot think of anything that is that opposite. She is a miserable twat that has some very unhealthy realtionships – way overattached to her kids and way underattached to all other humans.

  3. 3
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    @considerthis A cactus on a hemmorhoid? Wait, am I allowed to play?
    True story: My son is 100% formula-fed. I trust the folks at Similac more than my own body. Also, it’s nice to be able to take pills that help you NOT BE A SHRIEKING LOON/jealous weirdo/stankyass, etc.

  4. 4
    sardini
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    @Cathode Tube YES!! I tried the breast feeding cult for a week, and when my body said, “No milk, sorry” I ended it. No I can take my Paxil in peace and also let my husband help with nightly feedings.

  5. 5
    Considerthis
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Niice @Cathod! Love the cactus.

    I too never breast fed and my 5 foot tall flourishing straight A soccer star 12 yr old son seems to be doing just fine. Like I said, Kort seems to have very neurotic tendencies and bizzare realtionships.

  6. 6
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    “I’d die” (says Kim) “Promise? Cathode Tube you had me at that word, that was funny shit.

    I never watch this freak show entirely, but I do peek in during commercials to see Kim the fatass make an ASS out of herself- I saw some of the breast milk caper and I was totally grossed out. She should hook up with that freak show Honey Boo Boo and her white trash family, I’d watch that!

    Poor Scott, he should leave that miserable bitch who treats him like crap

    Mason really is cute, though, can he be on alone?
    Thanks for the many chuckles you gave me with this recap, keep ‘em coming Doll. Oh, did I just use that word? Amazing! Argh, I did it agin, I must be turning cray cray

  7. 7
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    A Rhino is to soft/cuddly.

  8. 8
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Oh crap..wrong game. I thought it was the other one. “This is to that” etc…

    Sorry. Can’t think of anything better than the catcus!’

    Robin

  9. 9
    CathodeTube CathodeTube
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Robin, you have it right! I should have said a cactus is to soothing-on-a-hemorrhoid. Thank you, ladies, for your solidarity in wanting to keep your breasts to yourselves! It helps to hear that. If I had time for activist stuff, I’d try and offset this leche league propaganda.

  10. 10
    Danielle
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!!! I couldn’t remember where that girl Dani was from!!!

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 18, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I fell asleep trying to get caught up tv viewing and dreamed I was watching somebody squirt milk out of her boob onto her sister’s leg sore.

    Something’s not right. I might need to call a counselor.

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