Kourtney and Kim Recap: The Prettiest People Do the Ugliest Things

(Title copyright Kim’s, uccch, boyfriend, from his first record, when he cared.)

Tonight’s episode of Konspicuous Konsumption is about how if your love live is blah, you should go to Paris and drop some keys into the Seine or one of its tributaries for the next generation, and French children will reap the intellectual benefits of a diet high in metal and Sharpie ink forever, and you’ll kiss and make up until next week.

Online bonus footage! Kourtney’s mental health has deteriorated to the point where’s she’s doing what I like to call Apocoly-Stock, that is, stashing gallons and gallons of gas so looters can easily burn her house in the class uprising they’ll be able to fuel their mopeds drive to safety their brain dead asses straight into what they will call the Gulf of Atlanta precious asses to safety in the event of a hurricane. 

Who’s got the over-under on how long before that gas is filling a bathtub?

There was a blurry-faced lady in the very first beach intro tonight who flung her wet hair back, and for a couple seconds she was walking around like a blurry-necked zombie. It was awesome. Anyone else catch that? 

Kim got new hair, I think, and she pats it as she drives and talks on the phone.

Hands-free devices are so both your hands can be free of the wheel.

Her friend on the phone, No One We Care About, tells her that Reggie Bush’s boys can indeed swim and he has knocked someone up. Kim counters by saying that she’s genuinely, fully, literally happy (or some other -ly series) and pats her hair some more as she thinks about how a whelp is worth 1000 column inches, and she better get her womb in gear.

Speaking of geared-up wombs, Kourt and Scott need to jump-start the romance in their relationship. Kourt’s attempts range from the lame to the expensively ridiculous. 

The Lame: Getting dressed up and putting on a bun but not telling Scott, and wandering around their palatial house in gold lace-up boots looking for him.

I like that her dress ventilates her funky armpits.

The Even Lamer: Going on a boat and getting all pantybunched ’cause her turban’s about to fly off. Last time I went on a boat in Florida, I cut off the extra length on my bikini strings and attached them to my bucket hat. Yeah, Florida water travel – not good for hat retention. One to blow on.

Jackie Honassis goes boat shopping with Dee Snyder’s brother who unfortunately is gonna take it, forevermore.

The I So Wish You Were Poor So You Could Know Real Pain Lame: Buying a cut-rate winter Paris trip so she can throw keys off a bridge which will totally make Scott love her forever, despite his obvious-to-everyone flagging interest.