Kourtney and Kim Recap: The Prettiest People Do the Ugliest Things

She ends up making Mason undergo his (hopefully but probably not) first substitute-Daddy act in signing a lock with her and throwing the keys into the river. Scott blows off this event, as he would rather buy clothes than meet her at the bridge. Maybe he didn’t understand her request to be there, because she’s just like, “there’s this bridge…” and she didn’t really say, “Scott, can you do this with me?” Or he just hates her.

Meanwhile, Kim has entered some sort of devil’s bargain with Choadan that says he has to be the central character of every B plot, so they bring in his old friend Simon, who apparently works his ass off so Choadan can get paid for nothing. And if you’re running a PUBLIC RELATIONS firm, I can’t think of any better way to endear yourself to that public than by slap-fighting it out (figuratively this time) like a couple of toddlers on basic cable. I wonder if their situation would improve if they’d just stop repeating themselves.

Kim does some kind of surprise Kimmy Springer ambush dinner for Choad and Simon, who protest from the very beginning and are met with platitudes from Kim, who has put her very best tablecloth on herself for the occasion. She also invites Kourt and Scott.

Dinner + theatrics = a date, right?

You guys, do I have some dead friendship stuck in my teeth?

This show is brought to you by Shannen Doherty’s Online Degree.

Did she also choose her plastic surgeon by web banner?

The Choad-Simon fight has the added bonus of rekindling Kourt & Scott’s romance, after a fashion.

Remember when we were literally the 4th and 5th craziest people in that room? 

Scott invites two friends of his & Kourt’s to their “romantic” Paris trip with them. This sort of makes sense – it’s a vacation, and they have a kid-friend for Mase, so he can make some memories that do not involve squicky key-throwing with Mommy. But it’s also ’cause he hates her. I wish her Skype therapist would point this out. Also, they stay in the Shangri-La Hotel, which pleases me on a literary (and literal I guess) level, because Shangri-La is a land of happiness and harmony that does not exist. 

Any good cop show will tell you that when you hear hoofbeats, don’t think zebras. So it’s fitting that Kourtney rides the zebra here, no? No?

I’m imagining this is a movie about a stupid and sad family, maybe directed by Todd Solondz.

Each of these padlocks represents one of Daddy’s inadequacies that you will have to make up for.

This awesomely branded Lord Disick eye patch will be marketed to douchebags whose babymommies have stabbed them in the eye. It’s a growing niche market.

Everyone makes up at the end, except Simon and Choad. But Choad and Kim are totally besties again. And there are nachos, did I mention that? Possibly fundido. And that’s about it for this ep.

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