Kourtney and Kim Recap: Who’s the Coxswain?

Ayo Gasmii! Thanks for tuning in (using that term loosely) for Krusty and Krotchy Kreep Out Koral Gables, or whatever we’re watching. Our lusty lasses (plus one Choad, I think) are in the water doing some type of paddle surfing for which you only have to wear half a wetsuit. Your top half, if you are Kim, can be swaying in the breeze in an almost flesh-color (but still animal printed) string bikini made for a much smaller woman.

Anything that displeases Kim pleases me greatly, maybe nothing so much as imagining how painfully heavy her pregnant boobs must be getting. In a couple of months, if it hasn’t happened already, it will take a supreme effort for her to even sit up straight. Kanye better hope he can retreat to a very, very soundproof studio to dodge the complaining that’s gonna come from that.

Beaches, butts, car butt. Baby Penelope gets a line. Hey Pennie! Kim’s really stoked about the Dragon Boat Race. Scott would rather drag race.

In fact, if death is not an option, he’d rather watch 72 consecutive hours of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Clockwork Orange style.

Kim is contractually obligated to give the Jenners some screen time, even though they have THEIR OWN SHOW misses her family and wants them to come to Miami and help her row a giant Dragon Boat for a charity that would prefer to remain anonymous.

Sounds like fun, says Scott, if you’re a tourist.

Kourt stands up as best she can in the back seat, leans over, and tries to postion her boob so Pennie can get a sip. Please, no more breast milk.

Kim & Kourt go shopping for some cool new furniture for Dash, which is a capital idea, as it will give their customers more places to dump their Slurpees. Scott explains that he has one of those commitments in Vegas where a bar pays him to show up so tourists flock there to get a glimpse of him, so he has to miss the race. Nice work if you can get it, but eventually you’re going to have to assault another server if you want to stay relevant, Scott.

Kim appoints herself team koxswain, and half the family postpones their important mani-pedis to fly across the country and join them.

This guy also skips his nap.

Kim voiceovers that it doesn’t matter what happens, they’re together as a family, and it’s important to make forever memories with your family. Like with sham weddings, for instance.

Kris shows up and is cutely welcomed by Mason and all the alcohol she can drink. Bruce’s less famewhorey son and daughter-in-law also show up, as do Bruce and one of the younger KarJenner sisters.

Kim has stumbled upon something she’s good at – leading a room full of people at exercises with Pilates balls and talking pedantically about core strength.

She should make a video or something.