Kourtney and Kim Recap: Who’s the Coxswain?

Now all she needs is a room full of people to care. Olympic medalist and beta android Bruce Jenner does not wish to use the Pilates band to stretch his legs. Kim is immediately all righteously indignant because they can never just do something as a family where everything goes her way. She flounces back to her room with a core that’s still totally weak.

She and Bruce make up in the next scene. How do I feel about that?

About like this.

Then they all go to a restaurant get their complex carbs on. They conscript their server into joining their rowing team. We hit the Jamaican jackpot, crows Kris.

How do they know he’s not from Trinidad?

It’s time to practice in the hotel conference room, using a giant table as a boat.

And oars as oars.

Bruce remarks that if they were really serious, they would have started practicing a year ago. Kim comes down in her PJs. Now… rowing is a sport. Can someone get this poor woman a sports bra please?

Bruce inquires as to Scott’s whereabouts, and Kourt basically tells him to leave that one alone. Bruce is confident in his ability to shame Scott into joining them. Healthy! Bruce gets Scott from his room, and Scott goes through the motions, barely, so Bruce impugns his manhood.

This is one Olympian I would not want to hear a motivational speech from.

Kourt is certain that Bruce’s daughter-in-law Leah is pregnant because no one ever just got nauseated from airplane food and several airplane wines. So the next day, she takes the Jenner Jrs. to the baby crap store and shows them how they can pay 10 times the price for items that hold poopy diapers and catch flying puke exactly as well as whatever’s at Walmart.

Speaking of shopping, Kim just bought Kris an iPhone 5 or something. Kris is like, what’s the bad news, and Kim’s like, I can’t row, I need to see Kanye, and he’s only in town long enough for a half-clothed hump in the airport bathroom and I need to conceive now! (In reality, I’m guessing it was this visit when she, ahem, let him finish, and SpawnYe was begun.)

They’re like, Bitch, are you for real? And she’s like, Please don’t be angry at me, I was just born bitchy, you’ve met me. Kris makes the very good point that Kanye should be in the boat race with them, but he’s got important meetings or something.

Kris is like, But! and Bruce is like DAGGER STARE. And Kourt is breast feeding and could not give less of a crap. And Bruce actually raises his voice and says he’s the only one that can provide leadership in this family, and he tells her she’s dismissed.