Life After Top Chef Recap: Bean Counters and Humble Pie

Hey y’all! Have you heard about the Top Chef Cruise? Starting at the low, low price of $799 per sucker person, you can be trapped on a large floating vessel with the like of Tom Collichio, Gail Simmons, and many of your favorite, and possibly not-so-favorite chefs, including the 4 subjects of my review. There will be cooking demonstrations, quick fire challenges, and if you’re lucky, drunk sex with a reality show star. How can you not pass this up?

We open with Fabio meeting with life coach Dean at a playground. Fabio tells Dean that he made 247 hours of phone calls in the past month. Fabio has not learned the power of “no”. Or “fuck off”. The best part of this scene is that Fabio has never been on a swing before, and referred to it as a “swing chair”. What kind of swinging have you been doing, Fabs? Hmmm….

Ren & Stimpy – I mean Spike and Jen – had waaay too much to drink the night before, and apparently they sacrificed some large animals.

What the hell?

Jen and Spike are meeting their hosts at the harbor to harvest oysters. I can’t believe Jen is doing this.  Spike has to pull over so Jen can rid herself of last night’s liquor. Ew. Spike says she was drinking moonshine and bourbon. A piece of advice, Jen: stick to one drink. I love vodka. There is no frickin’ way you’d get me on a boat with a hangover. Before or after the puke, Spike’s investors call him and he passes the phone over to Jen. Thank God they can’t smell her breath. They arrive at the marina, squeeze onto a boat and pull some beautiful oysters. I know all about oyster harvesting from Dirty Jobs. Of course, I also know all about horse insemination. Don’t ask. Then Jen does the unthinkable. She eats a raw oyster. Maybe it’s a hangover cure I don’t know about. I would be curled up in a ball, crying and heaving and begging for dry land. I’m getting queasy typing this… Richard is about to make the same mistake that closed his first restaurant. He’s at a meeting with his investors to discuss the opening and the menu. They are concerned about the menu being too exotic, but Richard is putting his foot down. Learn from your mistakes, Richard!!! Fabio and Jacopo are on a horse-riding adventure, and spend their time enjoying the scenery and insulting each other. It’s pretty funny. Fabio asks his horse to kick Jacopo’s ass. Jacopo tells Fabio that the female horse is the only female that’s attracted to him. We end the segment with “How’s your nuts, Jac?” These two need their own show.

Brokeback Malibu

Spike and his sister Micheline check out a storefront 2 doors down from We The Pizza, which is next door to Good Stuff Eatery. It’s like when you play Monopoly and you try to buy all the same color properties and shit.   They are both excited to be stepping out on their own. Only we know that’s not going to happen. I have a question, though. If you wanted to be independent, why the hell is your restaurant on the same block as your parents, hmmm? Micheline asides that her greatest challenge will be keeping Spike’s massive ego in check. No kidding, sister. They argue over the decor, and then Mom (surprise!) enters and gives her own opinions. She should. The place is kind of a dump. Spike says he needs a Valium to deal with Mom. Please. I love how he refers to his restaurant as a steak/frites joint. Do you think you’re faking us out? We know what they are.

frites