Doesn’t it feel like this show has been yapping at our heels like an irritating dog for months? Ugh, if I have to see Lohan’s bloated face smirking at me one more time, I may have to get mean.
When I first started thinking about how to approach this recap, I thought a lot about what I knew of Lindsay Lohan. First, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of her movies (not even Mean Girls). Second, her life is an absolute mess but it is one of her own choosing. Yes, her parents are horrific and yes, addiction is a disease but she is privileged and has access to the best therapists and addiction treatments in the world. I’ll have my sympathy for people who actually deserve it. Third, this crazy ho actually thinks she’s going to win an Oscar one day. And she is always yakking about how no one judges her on her work, just on her lifestyle. So, I decided to simply critique the work. Keep in mind, though, an actor is how they look. Consider Nicole Kidman. No one is going to say that woman can’t act. But she just simply is not believable anymore due to her fucked-up face. She no longer disappears into her role; she’s always Three-Lips Frozen and no amount of skill will change that. Same for Lohan. As an actor, her body, her face, her skin, they are all weapons in her actor’s arsenal. So I will be commenting if her jacked face interferes with my suspension of disbelief.
Holy shit, there is just no excuse for those redwood-neck wrinkles at 27.
To provide a little background, I have seen a few Elizabeth Taylor movies (my favourite being Little Women in which she is stunningly miscast as Amy March). I’ve even seen the Sherilyn Fenn biopic that aired in the 90s. I still remember the fat suit prosthetics. In my recollection, she spent the whole movie married to John Warner. And to give some context between the two sudsy flicks, Lindsay Lohan took this iconic role at 27 and Sherilyn Fenn at 30. Only three years difference but remember, that’s 30 in the mid-90s before cold-laser gel treatments and Zoom and even Spanx, I think. It was a different, uglier world. After all, we were all running around in flannel and shooting heroin.
We open in black and white, with credits interspersed with photos re-enacting various moments in Elizabeth and Richard’s affair. Lohan looks pretty good in all the shots that partially obscure her face. As soon as she faces the camera fully though, the illusion shatters.
See? Not so shabby, eh? God knows how long the art director and photographer had to work with the makeup artist and Photoshop but the result is quite believable.