Love in the Wild Recap: Dude Acts Like a Lady

Inevitably maps are involved, the first instructing them to cross a river on ropes and something about swimming under a waterfall and canisters and a whole bunch of pretty cool stuff that honestly the teams went after without much pause. Especially the rope bridge across the river which is still high and unsteady and basically made even harder because everyone attacks it so whole heartedly that they fall and swing all over the place.

Legit Challenge. Still doesn’t top snake pit

Ali does cry for a moment because she hates canisters so much. Or because she got dressed in the dark and just realized her cute outfit is looking a little Grape Drank.

“Why can’t you just dress me like Chase and Mr Blue Eyes?”

#Dodged a bullet

Chase is outmanned by Summer and his ego starts to fray. She is obviously a badass but I think he was confident he would be wearing the pants in the team. He also takes it a little too hard every time she executes something better than him, they are still outperforming all the other teams. He may want to start learning some equestrian care skills if he wants to stay with her.

Perfect position to clean hooves

Although afraid of heights, Ali is even more afraid of STDs and repeatedly tells Jesse to stay away and not help as she sidles across the ropes. He doesn’t actually get close at any point, but there is that rumor about crabs being able to pole vault afterall.

“Maybe you could go back and sit in the wheelbarrow til I’m done?”

The next challenge is swimming through an idyllic tropical pool, under a waterfall and into a cave that contains canisters with more mapped instructions. This show should be called Putting Love on the Map. Although Ken and Yanina are in the lead, Summer reminds us of the first episode and her superior swim skills and leaps into pool to beat ken. To be fair Ken is challenged by Yanina losing her cool and swim strength and needing to be dragged from cave through the water. Also to be fair, Ken calls Yanina’s look “drowned rat” so I’d probably stay put too.

Not cool. More like Mrs. Frisby

Jason and Vanessa are doing great at this point. I guess taking time to build the wheelbarrow was a good plan. Who knew simple machines made work easier? Oh, right. Every culture’s most primitive peoples. Their lead is shattered when Jason has a premature emission of map from canister.

Lucky there was a cameraman at that exact underwater spot

Team Kenina and Team Superhuman are neck and neck and Ken starts pep talking Yanina with taunts of second place failure and how drowned rats get eaten by snakes and her accent stopped being cute and is now just annoying. Yanina is not really coming across as a bad partner and seems to be paying attention to the challenges and holding her own. Making Ken’s middle school gym coach style encouragement slightly grating, especially when talks over her question about their need to find machetes as the next stage. The irritating dialogue actually distracts everyone involved from getting the machetes they need and Kenina AND SummerChase blast right past the sign they should’ve turned at. Shocking that uber Summer wasn’t on top of that, but more proof that shitty couples ruin everyones time.

“The reins were so soft and I just kept kicking him to go faster”

This little blunder puts Minnie Ryan and  Juggy McCock ahead, both surprised at finding the alpha teams have not collected the necessary machetes yet. We now have these two teams charging into a banana field with machetes to gather 50lbs of green bananas. That seems totally safe!

Ryan takes a page from  Jesse’s book on the wisdom of loading up on phallic fruit and tries to carry as many bananas as possible. He must not have read the whole page because he also falls and curses like a sailor. Minnie is appalled. She has only heard such language before from Goofy when he is trying to convince Pluto it’s a dominance thing.

 No concept of 50lbs = no time at the gym. Final proof Ryan is not a San Fran gay

The teams keep passing and reshuffling their order and now we have Jesse and Ali in first place which was not at all foreshadowed by her lamentations that she didn’t want to be in the oasis with him.

The real prize is finding Jenny at the end with her vagina covered

I am never wise to this but I might suspect producer manipulations in these challenges. For instance, we cut to Jason who magically found the map in the pool.

Just where I dropped it-in a sheltered nook by the water’s edge!

Because the producers had to keep suspicion low, Jason/Vanessa are last but the lean-to was removed and a tent is their only punishment. Hooray! Ali is gritting her teeth right about now. Summer and Chase are second to last and spend their time deciding that they are superior and need to push even harder, defeat is not an option, champions never die… basically all the kinds of positive type-A thinking that motivated me to be in drama in high school. Secretly Chase is devastated he is not living up to the world domination plot.

Juggs McCock lost the Oasis but something tells me they are up for testing the springs in the cabins as well

 Across the pond O face. I blame inbreeding

Juggs is nowhere to be seen as Michelle  sits on the porch laughing and looking startlingly natural. Ginger might have had a much harder time feeling superior to this prettier and more relaxed competitor.

“Lol, No”

Cockney makes an excuse of taking her to bed immediately by  informing us they are cream crackered meaning knackered meaning shattered meaning tired. Thanks for trying to bring a new kind of stupidity to the US! Cockney rhyming slang and chavs are the only things Americans have left to look down on!

What rhymes with doggy style?

Jesse and Ali get comfy to find out just how much they hate each other. Truthfully Jesse is the epitome of hope springing eternal, and would still be happy to consummate their union, but basically Ali is only here to get intimate with talking and complaining. She uses the Oasis to gangbang them both while Jesse listens and finally accepts that his lucky streak has come to an abrupt end.

No caption required

Ken and Yanina have a picnic in an idyllic beach setting, where Ken ignores the girl and the beach and obsesses that Jesse is developing a strategy to screw him. He extrapolates that since Jesse likes having his peepee kissed he is a master strategist, leading me to believe Ken has a hard time convincing women to sleep with him.  He posits Jesse is looking to send him to the “unmatched area”.  Story of Ken’s life.

This conversation is causing a few areas to go “unmatched”

Jason works way too late for a storyline by forcing an immediate connection with Vanessa. Knowing being dead last is a pretty strong indication they will be the couple to be sent home, they flit around the island and carve their names into a cactus.

Because nothing in nature lasts longer than a plant.

They are a good match because she jumps right in with her baggage and commitment issues and deep seated fears of opening up to another person. As a bonus she adds a tragic family death back story. Her dad recently died which somehow makes her want to collect bananas and coconuts with strangers in lycra. I’d be confused, but I think we can all think back to the time our Gran passed away and we spent days foraging for berries in yoga pants. Nana always liked the blue ones. 

We’re totally still going home aren’t we?

It’s elimination time! Juggs knows where her english muffin is buttered and primps with the happy surety that Cockney will be nestled in her Bristols by evening. We are for the first time spared seeing all the girls gussying up. I for one appreciate the break.

…Maybe just a comb?

Jenny comes out with a retro hair style and another age appropriate wardrobe choice. She also makes far less stupid comments. It is so refreshing I try not to think about Godfather Drosselmeyer winding her back up to start the fart jokes all over again.

 Mouse king would’ve stabbed her first

Ali and Jesse are first. Ali is princess-perfect in ruffles and smug happiness at being first and able to delouse herself shortly. Before she can reveal her choice Ken speaks up to beg Ali to keep him with Yanina. He implores that lots of relationships have been formed and Ali has no clue what that means just like everyone else.

“You want us to leave because you’re a codependent pantywaist?”

Everyone else is fairly content with what they have however so without any logic I can see, Ali chooses Cockney – splitting his pairing with Juggs.

God hates my penis

Everyone is shocked and one can visibly see that smiling, fresh-faced Michelle that had peeked her way out being swallowed by warpainted, out-for-ginger-blood’d, Juggs.

“I killed a paleface and I can kill you”

Ken poops deeply into his pants. The wisdom of revealing both a decent game strategy and a potentially unnoticed enmity just before someone has ultimate power over you seems… dumb. On top of the fact that Jesse has shown zero interest in anything not related to his rocks and who can get them off so far anyway. The only reason Jesse even notices Ken at this point is because right now he is acting like a vagina. Jesse now contemplates his options and gives great villain.

“So you’re saying there are other ways to screw someone?”

Jesse either doesn’t want to be poorly thought of, or he was so taken aback by the baseless accusations hurled at him, he then reveals himself to be awesome sauce. He says he was going to ask to leave but now would like to do Cockney a favor and save Juggs. Whether I really thought he’d leave I saw this as a fairly classy move. Ken realizes he has been out-gentleman’d and poops silently once more. Cockney is on an emotional roller coaster driven by two idiots!

“I can has boobz?”

Minnie squeaks out that being the most boring couple is her life’s ambition and asks to stay with Ryan. Huzzah. Yanina takes my previous advice that primping for elimination is dumb, making me reconsider my stance. One would think this would be a quick one, but Ken can’t let it go. He uses his platform to again takes Jesse to task for breaking Tara’s delicate flower of a heart.

“Lol”

Jesse’s face is wtf’ing all over the place, but he basically lays it out straight and explains to Ken tersely that sex does not always mean love. He speaks of Tara respectfully and logically. Also he points out what Ken is not involved in is not Ken’s business. It was a pretty good beat down that was reminiscent of the one Jesse got from Tara. Losing Team Tairhead may have been a terrible terrible waste.  

The wtf is so strong, Jesse fails notice Cockney taking Juggs’ temperature.

Ken basically stutters and sputters and pulls a lot of “you know what you did” and looks like an idiot. He is now defending a woman he didn’t seem to know and definitely did not need a rescuer.

“Especially not from some virgin!”

Yanina has no comment except a silent prayer to sink into the ground.  Ken actually says something along the lines of  ”you should just worry about yourself”, which, Ken, um, that seems odd because of, like, the hypocrisy.  And you have no allies. Jesse drops a veiled threat that he’d be fine to settle this once the show is wrapped. Please please please let that happen. And afterwards find Tara and apologize and make tiny mouthy blonde babies together. Cockney says they are both at points. Whatever that means, confusion defuses the situation! Like tossing water on fighting dogs. Or pickle juice on fighting guidesses. Ken realizes his nice guy routine is now a dickface routine.

“In my defense, I thought this would go better!”

Jason and Vanessa know now their time is up. Despite Chase not living up to her hopes of genetic perfection, Summer knows he gives good marine and if she can dig up a human emotion or they can bring themselves to kiss they might still have this in the bag.  

“I can’t choose the horse, I already asked”

Jason and Vanessa swear to date after the show. Jenny further proves her off switch is stuck today by muffing the show’s obvious catchphrase; “I hope you can find love in each other but unfortunately…it’s time to go” LOL, how many takes did they try before giving up on getting her to say it?? The twosome are sad and Vanessa cries and talks about how proud her dad would be as a final attempt at being remembered for ever being on this show. I might remember her just because I finally noticed that Vanessa is stacked!

If her dad is looking down at her he is seeing some major cleavage.

And also he is proud of her, because she was pretty lovely from start to finish. Classy and genuine and hot. And I’m rooting for these two pretty people to keep seeing each other….uh oh…  Is she going to replace Tara as my favorite cast-off???

LOL, no.

Tune in next week as the drama heats up!!!