MasterChef Recap: Aprons Don’t Grow on Trees

Alright, guys, day 3. We’re almost to the good part, I promise. Hang with me for just one more recap of the auditions, and then the real fun begins. Can you do that? You can, I know you guys…you’re tougher than I am. 

This time around, they really cut to the chase. We see a few of the previous contestants get sent home, an few squeal irritatingly because they were given aprons, and that fucking Wal-Mart bag makes another appearance…

I recognize that shirt. Did Shamu shop at fucking Wal-Mart? THAT’S why she get sent home…clearly it wasn’t the peanut butter collard greens.

So our first competitor is (yet another) recovering alcoholic. That seems to be a strange trend on this show. Seems like every other contestant was either a boozer or a user (or still is…let us never forget Hooch). She tells us that everyone from where she’s from (the Cali deserts) is either stuck up, fucked up, or knocked up. Ah, right…one of those places where responsible human beings are called “stuck up.” She apparently was drinking a liter of vodka (or as they call it in the motherland, wodka) a day. 

Geez, that sure makes me feel a fucking lot better about having a beer or two after work most days. I guess that makes me “stuck up?” 

So…she got into cooking when she sobered up. Great, another Christian. She makes a New York strip. Gordie tells her the plate is basically “charred veggies and a steak,” and gives it a no. Teddy gives her a Yes…and it comes to no. Joe tells her he “can’t reward ambition.” 

Oh, fuck me. Joe says for the first time ever he’s changing his mind. I don’t know why I don’t like her, really.

I think she’s just too edgy for me…what, with the flexing and screaming and sleeve tatoos…

I guess I really am stuck up, huh? 

Alright, next up is Rodney. He’s a car salesman, and according to him, one of the top in the country. Every car salesman I’ve ever met is one of the top in the country…it’s like being VP at a bank…

He tells us “There’s nothing I do that I don’t succeed at.” 

Except get a convincing shot of you picking up ladies at a bar…

“I have a great personality. I have an X-Factor.” A certain…je ne sais quoi? (confession time…I had to look up how to spell “quoi.” I’m so unsophisticated…

Man, this guy is a doucherocket. However, he may be able to answer Harry Carray’s age-old question… “Hey Norm…if you were made of cheese, would you eat yourself?” Wait, fuck…I think it’s “if you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?” and “if the moon was made of cheese, would you eat it?” No…it’s gotta be YOUR bull…

Whatever, this guy is made of cheese, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t eat himself…he’d hire actress-slash-models (and not the other way around) to do it for him.

Oh, right, so, his audition. Fuck, his name is Rami. It was even on the screen earlier, I just wanted it to be Rodney so hard. Fuck it, if he gets through, he’s still Ramrod. There’s just no other way of it. 

So, he makes scallops with a sweet potato puree and red peppers. He proclaims that he’d gladly pay $25 for that little shitsnack dish. Gordie laughs. Teddy is first up to taste…and says that while he sees where Ramrod was going with this, but it may be a bit much for scallops. Joe asks if he really thinks it’ll get him an apron. Gordie asks him if he’s peaked…he says that there’s more to him, and he can do better…Gordie asks why he thought he should serve them a second-hand dish. 

Joe says he doesn’t want to get sold a lemon. Teddy gives him a yes for passion (seriously, what the flying shit, where was that with Luca?!?). And Gordie…I’m not really sure why, but Gordie gives him a fucking apron. Seriously, Teddy…you really fucked the family dog on that one.