MasterChef Recap: Aprons Don’t Grow on Trees

Hey judges, why don’t we call Luca up and get him back in here. I’m just saying. I mean, so far you’ve passed a number of rather seemingly underserving candidates through, but you sent back Hit Me Baby One More Time because she was too young, and Luca because…he looked better than you? I mean, straws, people…I’m grasping for them.

Sorry, folks…I couldn’t resist. I needed to break up the wall of text, and my mind wandered back 16 years to a happier place… 

Also, yes, because I couldn’t find a good quality picture, I grabbed that from the video…and yes, I left the song on in the background while writing this. I’m moderately ashamed. My loneliness is killin’ me…

The disembodied voice tells us that everyone knows it’s the last day of auditions, and ZOMG THE APRONS ARE RUNNING OUT!! Does the out-of-order editing of this bother anyone else? It’s like if Jack had died of dysentery (or whatever people from that time period died of) at the beginning of Titanic, and still showed up to paint Rose like one of his French girls. And then died again, and then shown up again just in time to freeze to death in the water as Rose tells him she’ll never let go and shoves him into the abyss. 

Well, next, we get four contestants at once. Well, not really at once. We’re playing a little Doctor Who and skipping around in space-time a bit so that we can see them all at about the same time. What do they have in common? Oh, they weren’t unanimous nos. Seriously, that’s what the DV tells us. For three of them, at least. There’s a pause on #4. Gordie says no. Teddy says yes (I swear he’s always tying the vote and passing it to Gordie/Bastage). It gets to Bastage…who says he’s a sucker for a veal chop…and grabs an apron…and votes NO! 

“I really thought I did good enough to get an apron.”

No, Jordan…you did well. Superman does good. 

Wait…wait…wait. we’re on our last contestant. What the hell? We’re only like 1/4 of the way through. EDITORS, COME THE FUCK ON!!!

So our last guy up is David Martinez. He got into cooking because it was an alternative to being a Mexican on the south side of Chicago. No, wait, I said that wrong…that sounded racist. What I meant was, he got into cooking because AS a Mexican on the south side of Chicago, it was expected that he get shot at and go to jail, and he didn’t like the sound of that. Hey, settle down, those are HIS words. Teddy says they look like twins…

What the fuck, Teddy. I’m Mexican and use less hair gel than you. We will NEVER look like twins…

So, here’s the silly question. How many rainmans (rainmen?) are out there…he’s the last guy. Is there an apron left? 

THERE ARE THREE APRONS LEFT. THREE.

I mean, guys…this is fucking shameful. It’s the last contestant. Photoshop the aprons out. I’m sure once the next round starts, there’ll be all 38 contestants present. We all know that you show this shit out of order. You don’t have to rub it in our fucking faces. 

He gets very choked up talking about his cooking, and how he cooks for his wife because they can’t afford to eat at the kind of places that they’d like to eat, and how everyone should get to eat food like this. 

David, you sound like some kinda hippy or some shit. 

Kidding, kidding. I get it…it blows that not everyone gets to have the same experiences in life…but if you told me I could never eat at any of my favorite restaurants again, and could never buy a meal that cost more than $15…well, I’d be disappointed. If you told me I could never have pizza or mac & cheese again, though…

I’d punch you right in the dadgum throat.