MasterChef Recap: Aprons Don’t Grow on Trees

Bastage laughs at him a little and tells him to pull it together. Gordie tells him the bowl is a little awkward…that it should be on a plate. 

They all give him a yes. Gordie tells him the apron is an X-X-double-XL (wait, is he trying to say XXL? or XXXXL?)…really, you’re making a fat joke at the guy crying over food? That’s kinda dick. 

Bastage tells him “no crying,” but David is already running out with his apron untied. Gordie shouts after him “SLOW DOWN!!!! You beautiful rhinoceros!!” Did I hear that wrong? 

Well, if the shoe fits, I guess… 

Seriously, I don’t know what to make of that. “Beautiful Rhinoceros.” That sounds like the kind of thing you call your girlfriend before she chews off your balls with the teeth she punched out of your face. 

“The message I want to send to the competitors is ‘You’re gonna have to kill me to take this away from me.’” 

Wuh-oh…this beautiful rhinoceros has horns!!

Eh, you know what, I have no fucking idea how many are left. Oh, there are 36. So maybe BR was the final contestant, and they decided not to give 2 away this year? Fuck, poor Luca. 

Anyway, it looks like, probably because of Dasher…

Wait, no, Dasher was a reindeer. Who were the three blind mice? Did they have names?

Nevermind. 

They don’t appear to be doing a chop the unholy fuck out of a random fruit/veggie competition this year, probably because in previous years everyone could fucking see, and they STILL cut the shit out of themselves. 

If Daredevil (can I call her Daredevil? Do any of you even follow me where I’m going?) were to partake, IT’D BE A BLOODBATH!!!

Teddy tells the contestants that each of them have a 1 in 36 chance at 250 benjis…Benjamins. Man, I’m gonna be just like the stupid dad from Modern Family, aren’t I?

Also, Teddy is practicing some pretty fallacious logic (which goes right along the phallacious trophy…). We all know they don’t have an equal chance of going on. 

Oh, shit, I didn’t pick a pony!!!

Gratuitous past-pony shot. It’s not really for you guys. It’s for me. 

Ya know what? I’ll pick a pony once I know who all the contestants are, ok? Losing my Asian pianist before the game even started kinda fucked me last year. 

So, anyway, TG builds up their spirits, then, Gordie drops the hammer. “We’ll be taking at least half of those aprons back!” 

“I’m gonna have to work hard to keep this, because I know aprons don’t grow on trees.” 

Need ponies need ponies need ponies…

Oh, man, they just keep spoon feeding this shit to me. They walk into the temp MasterChef kitchen (the one big enough for 36 people to cook) and there are sides of beef up everywhere. It seems like half the contestants get screen time to say “Man, I *love* beef!!” 

I’ll give her the hot beef injection. Maybe she can be a pony? She seems…nice…? 

And just when you thought there wasn’t another level to take it to…it seems the beef flanks were just a decoy! Some weird as fuck machine comes rolling in

JJ Abrahms, take note…the light is pointed right at the camera, and there’s no lens flare! That shit stopped being an issue like 10 years ago!

Is it an advantage to NOT see the giant metal death robot rolling towards you?

I can’t see shit!!!

Oh, it’s just a giant meat grinder. It’s going to grind beef for them. They get to use anything they want from the pantry to make a some delicious beef dish. Bastage says that if they get 36 bland burgers, he’s going to scream. Personally I thought he was saying he’d send every last one of you motherfuckahs home!!!