MasterChef Recap: Giddyup! Yeehaw!!!

Oh, MasterChef. Sometimes I think you choose the 100 based on personalities, not actual cooking skills. You’d think this would make my life easy, but truth be told, I was always better at baseball than softball…and you can ask my last girlfriend…spoon-feeding me results in a terrible mess. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is…make me work for it, geez. 

Also…there are 2 people in this one day of auditions that I can’t really make fun of. Not in a “I can’t think of anything funny to say” way…but in a “even I have a line I won’t cross” kinda way. I know that’s hard to believe after the blind lady yesterday….

Well, so here goes. Day two of auditions had no shortage of food, nor of aprons. Thankfully, all the contestants were present for the into on day one, so there’s no real need to dive back into the fact that the winner gets a bunch of money, a cookbook, and The Octagon. 

So, the first contestant of the day is Felix. Felix is an asian girl who would be pretty…pretty…if she hadn’t borrowed Hooch’s lipstick. 

We call this shade “I’m wearing what’s left of my ex-boyfriend.” 

She describes herself as a “wild card,” and she likes to speak her mind. She also assures us that she won’t cry or beg for an apron. Joe makes the bold play of asking what’s on her mind at this exact moment…

“Joe, you’re gonna walk away with a culinary boner after you eat my risotto.” 

Gordie was a bit more amused than Bastage.

So Gordie asks her why she went with steak tartare on top of her crispy risotto instead of a more traditional spicy tuna. She doesn’t do herself any favors with her response that steak tartare just goes better with risotto than spicy tuna. I honestly don’t know enough to comment, but I’m gonna go with Ramsay. 

Her bravado is crushed pretty quickly when Gordie tells her the steak is badly underseasoned and therefore just tastes like “a clump of raw beef.” Whoops. Teddy, being the follower that he is, points out that her crispy risotto is a little TOO crispy on the bottom. Then comes Bastage. He steps up and takes the daintiest bite of steak, and no risotto. 

Bitch, NO ONE gives me culinary boners. No one but these two guys next to me, that is. Oh, and my mom…she gives me the best culinary boners. 

So, what do you think happens? Well, Gordie says no right off. Bastage says he couldn’t disagree more, and him and Gordie get snippy with each other, with TG just sitting in the middle…

“Great, mom and dad are fighting again.” 

Bastage gives her a yes, and TG astutely points out that it comes down to his vote. He tells her that he could go either way…She starts to cry, and Gordie points out that at least she’s probably seasoning the tartare with her tears. Teddy gives her a yes, as well, and her apron. Aaaannndddd, now she’s crying full bore. Her audition was pretty much exactly Tebow’s from season 1. 

Gordie tells Bastage that he was fooled again. I don’t know when the first time was…it’ll be funny when the first instance of Bastage getting fooled comes up on the next episode.

Well, that’s all speculation for now. Second up is Luca…a restaurant manager from Italy…or more recently, New York. There’s a brief little snippit where they show that his mom flew in from Italy to support him, and he’s super happy about that. Would be pretty shitty if he didn’t get through, right?

He makes parmesan polenta with calf liver. Wait, calf liver? Not cow liver? They took a liver from a baby cow? I’m just picturing the poor fella waking up in a bathtub full of ice, knowing that he’ll never get to enjoy alcohol. 

You heartless bastard.