MasterChef Recap: Giddyup! Yeehaw!!!

I appreciate that they blur out the horse cock. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a touch silly to censor that, but at the same time, I don’t really want to see a horse cock. 

Graham issues possibly the line of the night… “I thought that was another leg comin’…”

I can’t believe the horse just pissed on the floor. 

So next up are some more silly gimmicky crazy folk…

One is a witch, and Ramsay asks Bastage if it’s one of his ex-girlfriends…

One guy brings in a fucking monkey.

One is a wannabe ventriloquist or something. 

They all have one thing in common. Resounding no votes, and moving the fuck on now.

So, next up is a husband and wife…

I’m gonna take you down…

No, I’m gonna take YOU down!!!

You hang up first!

No, YOU hang up first.

Already sick of them. So AJ is first…and he’s making New England Dirty Lobster. They vote on AJ…and there are three resounding yesses. So now it’s his turn to go outside and let his wife do her thing.

Anna is making a white clam pizza. Bastage takes a taste and says something like “Well, the pizza dough…considering you had to cook it in an electric oven, it is what it is,” and tosses the rest of his piece in the trash. Ouch. 

“Oh, man…if she doesn’t get an apron, I’m not getting laid for months! If she does, though…maybe we can try to define what a ‘New England dirty lobster’ really is…”

Come on…I can’t be the only one who thinks that sounds like a New Englander’s version of Robin Scherbatzky’s Canadian sex positions, can I?

So, after the commercial break, they vote on Anna. Apparently they like it, because she comes out with an apron, too. Back in the room, Gordie is still nomming away on the pizza, and says his money is on the wife! EGADS!!!

Oh, so now we have a break from our regularly scheduled program to watch Teddy drive a truck around the country to find backwater folk who can cook good, and want to learn to do other things good too. 

One of them actually makes a squirrel pie.

Another makes “porcupine balls.” I did some research…apparently those are meatballs with rice in them so they look like little porcupines? Or something. Maybe a better name, someone? I mean, with “sausage balls,” it’s ok, because no one hears that and is like “oh, man, I don’t want to eat sausage reproductive organs.” But “have some porcupine balls” will just make me cringe and think of Bob Barker…

Well, so there’s a slew of failures from the MasterChef truck finds (something tells me they’ll save the gas money next year), but next up is…

Meet Bubba. I’m not gonna give him a nickname, because, seriously…his name is fucking Bubba.

He’s making a bacon wrapped venison tenderloin with pureed rutabagas and mustard greens. It turns out this is the first time he’s ever cooked a deer he hasn’t caught. 

Joe comes straight out and says what we’re all thinking. “So…when you’re asked to cook a souffle, what’s going to happen?” He stammers through an “I’ll do my best” response, but is that enough to sell Bastage?

Well, when it comes down to voting…Bastage says it would be a waste of an apron. Teddy goes the other way. So it comes to Gordie…

Outside, Bubba’s family is waiting on him…

Wait, what? Is that his daughter?!? Why can’t she be the one cooking?!?

Bubba gets an apron, and tells us the apron means “more than life.” I mean…well, if something were to happen to him, could I have his daughter?

Next up is Craig. Craig is a “funny” guy. Craig is cooking something involving eggplants, linguini, and cheese. Wait. I said that wrong. Crag is cooking something involving cheese. It also has linguini and eggplant. And since we all know that melted cheese is more delicious than not melted cheese…

Ya know, I kinda like this guy.