Basically, the MasterChef story so far is that everyone is starting to hate pretty much everyone. Except DareDevil. No one hates her. And I guess Josh. And Franky the Tanky. But aside from 1/3 of the remaining contestants, everyone hates everyone. And I think those three hate the other 6.
You know what I need? I need a statistician. Like a baseball statistician. Sure, I can tell you that AAliens is the ONLY remaining contestant who has not yet won an individual challenge, and he has been in the bottom 3 on individual challenges the most. But I could really use someone to tell me which contestant performs the best when it’s rainy out and which one has nicked themselves with a knife the most times, and who cooks for a higher percentage against righties.
I bet you’re wondering why I brought up baseball. Well, the All-Star game is this week, and FOX was kind enough to schedule MasterChef around it. THAT’S why we had a SHOCKING pair of eliminations last episode, and why we’re right back to my favorite time on MasterChef. That’s right, it’s time to play….
WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN BOX?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!1111!!!?!?
Well, the answer this week is….
Yeah, that’s a sea urchin.
This was seriously the greatest episode of MasterChef to date. At least for those of you who enjoy laughing along. I mean, I’m not sure if FOX had all their censors off and working the ASG or what…my guess is they were preparing for another round of Justin Timberlake vs Joe Buck, and were concerned that Buck may come straight unchained…
Seriously, this is one of my favorite moments in professional sports.
But anyway, seeing as there’s now a fucking sea urchin in front of them for the challenge, Gordie’s exact words are “Christine, do not start feeling your box.”
Or what? I’ll go blind? LOL!!!
I mean, this thing looks like…well, honestly, with that weird ass light on under it, it looks like a fucking alien. And, RIGHT as I’m having that thought, AAliens tells us…. “It’s beautiful….It kinda represents….just….me….right now.”
Don’t worry, little buddy. We’ll be going home soon.
I sadly giggled throughout the entire episode about AAliens and his kinship with the mysterious extra-terrestrial sea urchin. Sometimes, things just end up working out so much better than you could’ve scripted them.
Gordie warns them that they’ll have to be very careful, because some of the spines are poisonous. So, he invites all the minis front and center to watch him butcher one of these things, which are apparently alive.
Gordie shows them how to cut a hole in the bottom, and tricks DareDevil into fingering it with him.
You sick fuck.
Gordie tells them that once they’re out, they start to break down, so don’t dig into the little bugger til you’re good and ready to cook with it. They get 60 minutes, and a limited pantry to cook with. So, they’re off!
Bastage tells everyone that the winner is being chosen by what they take from the pantry. I mean, not literally, I guess, but he’s implying that their choices are a bfd.
Since today is the say whateverthefuck you want day, Josh gets the ball rolling. He tells us that he’s making a pasta with a creamy uni sauce. Then he tells us that BR is probably going to struggle today, because he’s a pork and beef kinda guy…
And cake, I think. Beef, pork, and cake.
Gordie stops by AAliens to see how he’s doing, and learns he’s making an uni shooter. Gordie seems displeased.
Gordie points out that Frank the Tank is using protection when probing his mythical sea creature, but Becky, well…as Gordie can’t believe she’s not using gloves.
“…look at the balls on her….”