MasterChef Recap: What Are You Afraid Of?

Recaps

By Dangerously | Monday, June 18, 2012 | 1:32 am | 9 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Master Chef, Recaps

Messin’ with Sasquatch actually says, out loud, how glad he is that the pantry has everything he needs to make a great risotto. /facepalm

Frank the Tank is super happy that it’s a risotto challenge. Bastage asks what his family would think if he got eliminated on a risotto. 

My dad would definitely break my balls…

Ouch. Felix is observing from the lounge, telling us which contestants don’t know what they’re doing. 

Monti isn’t keeping things simple. Gordie and Bastage had agreed that keeping things simple, with maybe one added ingredient, would be the smart play. She has like 6. Geez.

And then there’s some Tali kid who wear’s a douchebag hat and apparently doesn’t know a fucking thing about how to make risotto. 

So, they cook and cook, and that 45 minutes passes faster than fuck. Either they’re going to spend 15 minutes deciding who to axe, or they’re gonna stick another challenge in here. Yikes. Well, they’re tasting them all, so maybe that’s what’s up. 

First up is Monti. She’s topped it with nearly everything in the pantry…white asparagus, sun dried tomato, pine nuts, pancetta, something green….cut me a break, they stopped listing it at 3 toppings. Gordie tells her flat out that it doesn’t even look like a risotto.

That sounds like a bad start…

Bastage tells her it’s “bizarre” that she’s never eaten risotto before. Well, geez. Bastage, growing up the son of Lidia Bastianich may have skewed your perception of what’s “normal.” Do you not remember that this is a single mom with basically no money? Risotto isn’t something you get at some cheap ass restaurant. There’s no such thing as McRisotto. That’s just kinda dickish. 

Second up is Frank the Tank. He went bonkers with his risotto, because he knew they’d be expecting him to just make boring ass risotto. By bonkers, I mean clam, artichoke, blood orange, pancetta and basil. Bastage is impressed. So is TG, and we assume Gordie. 

Third is the Beautiful Rhinoceros. He manages to nail it, too. We don’t see Bastage try it (not sure how he’d feel with poblanos in his risotto), but Gordie and TG love it. 

Fourth is Helene. She set the kitchen on fire earlier, and not in a good way. Does she make up for it? 

“What the fuck is that?”

Gordie is wildly unimpressed. She made a stupid little basket for each of the scallops…and the scallops are basically still raw, and the rice is undercooked, and clearly she should’ve spent more time on the actual rice. I think she’s leading the race out of the kitchen right now. As Bastage put it, the scallop basket  belongs in the garbage basket. 

Fifth up is Daredevil. Gordie says she’s very talented, but this dish is subpar. That was a short bit…

Flava Elevata is sixth. He made a mushroom risotto with portobello, morel, and shiitake mushrooms. Unfortunately, he did really well. 

Messin’ with Sasquatch is seventh. He tells us this is his chance at redemption from sucking so hard at the mystery box. He made a risotto with fennel. He succeeded in redemption. 

Tali is eighth…He tells us Bastage is definitely the scariest judge. 

Bastage is a very advanced asshole judge. Far, far more advanced than any other asshole judges of his time. So, how did he get to be this way? The question everyone should be asking is…“why not aliens?”

Bastage calls his dish a disaster, and disgusting. Gordie hates it too. 

Last up is Dave Mack. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t wash his mushrooms very thoroughly, and they’re, as Teddy puts it, a “dirt sponge.” 

So, we saw 9 of sixteen, including only one of my two ponies. 

The judges leave the room to talk, and this shit gets all Mean Girls in a hurry. Apparently this Tali doofus is buddies with Flava Elevata. 

Does anyone else here think that FE is just a bit of a racist fuckhole? Upper East Side vs Southside Chicago… Otherwise, why would you single out one of the obviously better dishes and say it bothers you that the judges liked them? 

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Dangerously

Dangerously is a Southern boy misplaced in windy Chicago. He spends most of his time wandering around Chicago hoping for a random encounter with Graham Elliot...(I bet that guy gives the best hugs!).

9 Comments

  1. 1
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I fear for Monti. She’s so clueless. Sadly, she won’t last. And how can one chef say their dish is better than anothers without tasting it? Do they taste each others dishes? What happens to all the food at the end of the show? And why NOT aliens?

  2. 2
    Pikey
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 8:52 am

    I love it when contestants are clueless. The only thing that gets a person eliminated is bad food. So Tali and Elevator can conspire all they want! All that David Martinez has to do is cook better than them (which doesn’t look like it is too hard). So far my money is on Martinez for the win!

  3. 3
    SuburBint
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I can not stand that worried puppy look on Monti’s face during every. single. judgment. I won’t be sorry to see her go, but honestly, I feel like they’re giving her the underdog edit and I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes it pretty far in the competition.

  4. 4
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 10:02 am

    I’d guess that FE is insecure first, then he’s more classist than racist. Dave is clearly working class, and FE can’t fathom how someone so “common” could impress master chefs. Of course, Tali’s happy being his Renfield so he doesn’t get judged the same way. Also, Tali seems to suck as a chef.

    Plus, Dave seems to have a strong douchemeter and doesn’t like FE, either.

  5. 5
    Eric
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Samantha’s last name is De Silva so not Indian..

    Also, all these Masterchef contestants have their own twitter! FE (and Tali) is a huge douchebag even on twitter!

  6. 6
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    First – I would like to say that as someone who has been a single mother for a lot of my kids lives – I totally taught them how to make risotto. Now, this is mostly because at age 10 my oldest son said “If those idiots can make it – I can make it”, while watching Hell’s Kitchen. He also, at this age, learned how to cook scallops properly. If HK has taught my child anything it’s that reality TV does not “TEND” to attract intelligent life forms. (That being said – Risotto Rice is EXPENSIVE and a treat!) But, I kinda felt like Monti – assuming she has seen this show and KNOWS who Gordon is, should have at the very least had an idea of Risotto (and Beef Wellington). Same with idjut who put CRANBERRIES in his – gag! Disgusting.

    I love Josh. His facial expressions just crack me up. And Beautiful Rhino has wonderful one-liners. I would have liked to see Tali and his STUPID HAT leave or Helene and her “giggle, giggle, snort – I set things on fire and Gordy-Poo saves me!” head out. Both annoy the crud of out me. BUT – washing ingredients is basic food prep, clean the mushrooms before serving your judges dirt. Just saying.

  7. 7
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Yeah, I don’t disagree that she should know better than to treat risotto like a pizza and pile on the toppings, but it’s not shocking that she’s never had risotto to me. Just like it wouldn’t have been shocking if Bubba hadn’t had it.

    My biggest issue with Helene is that she’s a freaking moron, and is basically just a giant bubbly idiot who’s going to get in the way of someone else getting eliminated. Her suckage will probably prevent FE from getting sent home, or she’ll single-handedly tank her team and cause one of my ponies to have to deal with a pressure test.

    Tali, though…just seems like an oxygen thief.

  8. 8
    KartofflMuter
    Posted June 18, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Eric-It may surprise you to know there is a sizable Christian population in Goa and other parts of India and they have names like De Souza and De Silva. The have Portuguese and Indian mixed stock. So yes-,she was 99% likely to have been indian.

  9. 9
    JimbobJones Jimbob Jones
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    “I think they should train a bear to have exquisite culinary taste, and allow the bear to maul the contestant with the worst dish”

    They tried that… but he became TOO human, so they gave him dorky glasses and made him a judge.

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