Messin’ with Sasquatch actually says, out loud, how glad he is that the pantry has everything he needs to make a great risotto. /facepalm
Frank the Tank is super happy that it’s a risotto challenge. Bastage asks what his family would think if he got eliminated on a risotto.
My dad would definitely break my balls…
Ouch. Felix is observing from the lounge, telling us which contestants don’t know what they’re doing.
Monti isn’t keeping things simple. Gordie and Bastage had agreed that keeping things simple, with maybe one added ingredient, would be the smart play. She has like 6. Geez.
And then there’s some Tali kid who wear’s a douchebag hat and apparently doesn’t know a fucking thing about how to make risotto.
So, they cook and cook, and that 45 minutes passes faster than fuck. Either they’re going to spend 15 minutes deciding who to axe, or they’re gonna stick another challenge in here. Yikes. Well, they’re tasting them all, so maybe that’s what’s up.
First up is Monti. She’s topped it with nearly everything in the pantry…white asparagus, sun dried tomato, pine nuts, pancetta, something green….cut me a break, they stopped listing it at 3 toppings. Gordie tells her flat out that it doesn’t even look like a risotto.
That sounds like a bad start…
Bastage tells her it’s “bizarre” that she’s never eaten risotto before. Well, geez. Bastage, growing up the son of Lidia Bastianich may have skewed your perception of what’s “normal.” Do you not remember that this is a single mom with basically no money? Risotto isn’t something you get at some cheap ass restaurant. There’s no such thing as McRisotto. That’s just kinda dickish.
Second up is Frank the Tank. He went bonkers with his risotto, because he knew they’d be expecting him to just make boring ass risotto. By bonkers, I mean clam, artichoke, blood orange, pancetta and basil. Bastage is impressed. So is TG, and we assume Gordie.
Third is the Beautiful Rhinoceros. He manages to nail it, too. We don’t see Bastage try it (not sure how he’d feel with poblanos in his risotto), but Gordie and TG love it.
Fourth is Helene. She set the kitchen on fire earlier, and not in a good way. Does she make up for it?
“What the fuck is that?”
Gordie is wildly unimpressed. She made a stupid little basket for each of the scallops…and the scallops are basically still raw, and the rice is undercooked, and clearly she should’ve spent more time on the actual rice. I think she’s leading the race out of the kitchen right now. As Bastage put it, the scallop basket belongs in the garbage basket.
Fifth up is Daredevil. Gordie says she’s very talented, but this dish is subpar. That was a short bit…
Flava Elevata is sixth. He made a mushroom risotto with portobello, morel, and shiitake mushrooms. Unfortunately, he did really well.
Messin’ with Sasquatch is seventh. He tells us this is his chance at redemption from sucking so hard at the mystery box. He made a risotto with fennel. He succeeded in redemption.
Tali is eighth…He tells us Bastage is definitely the scariest judge.
Bastage is a very advanced asshole judge. Far, far more advanced than any other asshole judges of his time. So, how did he get to be this way? The question everyone should be asking is…“why not aliens?”
Bastage calls his dish a disaster, and disgusting. Gordie hates it too.
Last up is Dave Mack. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t wash his mushrooms very thoroughly, and they’re, as Teddy puts it, a “dirt sponge.”
So, we saw 9 of sixteen, including only one of my two ponies.
The judges leave the room to talk, and this shit gets all Mean Girls in a hurry. Apparently this Tali doofus is buddies with Flava Elevata.
Does anyone else here think that FE is just a bit of a racist fuckhole? Upper East Side vs Southside Chicago… Otherwise, why would you single out one of the obviously better dishes and say it bothers you that the judges liked them?