Million Dollar Listing LA Recap: Hoes Before Bros

Welcome to another episode of “Million Dollar Listing LA.” Previously, nothing too interesting happened. JF and JA both closed their deals. Madison tried to work out a deal with the Russians. So, let’s dive right into this week’s episode.

We start off with Heather going into a nail salon. She has an appointment because she wants the “glitter nails” that all of her girlfriends have been getting. Does JA know that he’s dating a 15-year-old? While the nail stylist is working on Heather’s toenails, JA calls her. She tells him that she’s getting “rock star” nails. Can we please stop using the phrase “rock star” to describe things that aren’t actually rock stars? When did that even become a thing?

Pick out the rock star. It’s hard, I know.

JA got a phone call from a guy named Brian. He’s got a new condo development with about 20 units in it. He’s getting one of the units to sell and it put in a good word for Heather as well. They’re meeting with him tomorrow morning. While Heather is on the phone, we get a shot of the nail stylist (is that the correct word for that profession? I’ve gotten my nails done all of three times, so I have no idea. Nail technician maybe? Someone else help me out here. I’m a terrible girl.) painting Heather’s toenails. I thought maybe “glitter nails” was a type of technique used since they told Heather “they last a really long time.” It’s not. It’s literally glitter just being put on Heather’s toenails. She could have just gone to AC Moore and done it herself.

JA interviews that him getting a unit the first priority. However, Heather is is girlfriend and he wants to see her succeed in her new partnership with Madison. Heather even asks if she should bring Madison to the meeting the next morning. JA would rather she didn’t. Heather thinks she can do it on her own. JA tells her that she’ll be fine because she’s “a rock star.” I didn’t know that being a rock star immediately meant you were a successful real estate agent. Learn something new every day, I guess.

Apparently JA has pinned Heather, sort of. Welcome back to the 1950s.

Next we meet with Madison and Stella who are meeting with David (Stella’s ex husband) about the property that they’re co-listing. David agrees to take care of getting the property back to mint condition. When discussing the price, Madison shows David a similar house that is on the market for $1.5 million dollars. David points out that this example house is not a lakefront property, so he wants to ask for more money. Madison suggests that they ask between $1.5 million and $1.65 million. The back yard alone cost David $600,000, but there have been some foreclosures in the area that have driven down the property values. David insists on listing the house for $1.65 million. I need Madison to be more entertaining. This straight forward business stuff leaves me very little to make fun of.

JF is in the fashion district to meet with designer Gabby Applegate. I’m hoping that he’s meeting with her about getting a new sweater. He should not be allowed into the fashion district wearing that thing.

Ahoy!

JF met Gabby through their many and one of them set the two of them up. JF assures us that it was “not like that.” Thanks for clearing that up for us, JF. I was worried for a moment that you had really stupid and oblivious friends. We also meet Matt, Janet or Jenna (I’m not 100% sure what they said), and Sugar. Sugar is clearly the best looking one of the bunch.

 
I’ve made it my mission to include at least one cute animal per recap this season.

JF and Gabby look at clothing for a while. Once again, I’m a terrible girl because I find this insanely boring. I’ve never been one to just look at clothes – especially any clothes considered “high end.” The highest my taste goes is New York and Company. Most of the time, that includes the clearance rack. Matt is fixing a dress that, “Audrina’s boobies broke.” Apparently the dress broke because the boobs were new. I hope my boobs alone never break anything.

Finally, we get into the real reason for JF’s visit. Someone named Xander told JF that Gabby is looking for a home. She currently lives in Sierra Towers on the 30th floor. JF’s grandmother used to own a few apartments on the 30th floor and Gabby lives in one of them! In fact, Gramma Flagg also was a fashion designer. This is kind of a cool coincidence! Or, you know, set up by producers. They’re the same thing in reality TV, really. Gabby needs more space and she wants to live in Beverly Hills. She wants to lease and spend between $10,000 and $15,000. She also wants a yard and a pool, so no condos, just houses. I really wish I could have made these demands when I got my apartment. My criteria was: 1. available, 2. affordable, and 3. cat friendly.

The deciding factor in my real estate ventures. Way better than a pool.

Gabby continues telling JF about her criteria. She doesn’t need a view, she has two dogs, and she wants at least three bedrooms. She also wants a lot of closet space. That one makes sense for a fashion designer. Gabby needs to move in a week and a half. Wow. Granted, I moved into my first place in less than a week. However, I wasn’t looking for what she’s looking for. It’s pretty easy to find a one bedroom apartment in Northern Virginia when you’re simply looking for a place to be able to sleep and shower. Furthermore, Gabby isn’t even available to go shopping in the next few days. That leaves them with very little time to find her a very specific house. Despite the difficulty, JF agrees to do it. 

Madison and Heather arrive at David’s property. He really meant it when it said it would be in mint condition. The place is GORGEOUS! I think I change my mind about what I want to be our Gasmii House. We need to seriously consider this place. Madison’s brother John shows up. When he says hello, Stella says, “Speak of the devil.” That expression doesn’t really work here, Stella. You weren’t speaking of him at all. The full expression is, “Speak of the devil and he shall appear” so it really on works if you were talking about John. I guess I’ll give her a break. It’s clear that English isn’t her first language. Idioms may still be difficult. When Madison introduces the two of them, John says, “You didn’t warn me I was coming out here to see a babe.”

I bet he didn’t warn Stella that she’d be meeting a creep, either. 

John is a photographer and he’ll be taking pictures of the property for the listing. Madison is acting pretty creepy as well by literally pushing Stella into John. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable for her. Madison interviews that if he can’t find love for himself, he wants to help his brother. Physically pushing two people together isn’t going to do it, Madison. Also, did you see Stella’s ex husband?!?! I’d be too scared to be the one that is responsible for getting her together with another man.

JF arrives back and his office. He asks intern Joshua to help him find a house for Gabby. Joshua already knows who Gabby is and mentions that she has dressed Beyonce. I tried to look up some pictures of Beyonce wearing Gabby’s designs and only found one where she has on a shirt designed by Gabby:

Gabby Applegate for T J Maxx.

JF give Joshua Gabby’s criteria for a house. They both know that it will be a difficult task. There are some people who will be under pressure to lease a house and will want to get someone in there very quickly. Although it will be difficult, it can be done. After a montage of a few calls, Joshua comes into JF’s office to let him know what he’s found. The first thing that pops into my mind is, “When the hell did it become fashionable to wear a jacket as a cape? Just put your arms through the damn sleeves!” Apparently, if something makes you look stupid, it’s fashion.

Joshua supplements his income by performing magic shows. 

Although they weren’t able to find much that fits Gabby’s time frame and criteria, there are a few houses for her to look at. Joshua calls Gabby to see what her schedule looks like and then makes appointments to see the different houses. 

JA and Heather are on their way to meet with Brian about selling some of his condos. JA wants to do most of the housing and then tells Heather, “I’ll sell you.” Apparently JA is supplementing his income by being a pimp to Heather. A match made in Heaven, those two.  Heather argues that she’s done this before and that she can sell herself just fine. Brian comes out to meet the Heather and JA. JA and Brian have worked together on a lot of deals in the past, so JA thinks will be no problem. The three go into what Brian considers his “premier penthouse.” It has 4.5 bathrooms. That penthouse has more toilets than I have total rooms in my apartment. 

When JA and Heather get down to business with Brian, JA once again says something that makes Heather sound like a prostitute. “When it comes to serving clients, I’ve never met someone who doesn’t like this one.”

Brian thinks of ways Heather can service his client. 

Brian lets JA know that, because they know each other, he would have no problem giving JA a place to sell. However, he doesn’t know Heather and he doesn’t know the way she works. Brian wants JA and Heather to team up to sell the penthouse. If that goes well, they’ll move on from there. They had no intention to co-list going into this meeting. If they do co-list, that means JA would be co-listing with Madison. JA tells us, “I would rather get kicked in the balls than co-list something with Madison.” I volunteer to kick JA in the balls to help him feel better. He even tries to get out of the co-listing, but Brian isn’t going to give Heather a unit to sell on her own until he knows her better. Brian is looking to sell this until at $3.7 million. When the commission that Heather and Josh would make flashes up on the screen, I die a little inside. That is more than I make in a year. I’m in the wrong business. 

Madison is having a brokers open with Stella at David’s house.  At one point, he refers to the koi pond as a fishing pond. I don’t think too many people are going to be spending time out there fishing for koi. Madison wants to sell the “lake lifestyle.” If he really wanted to sell a realistic lake lifestyle, he should bring in plenty of bugs, mud, and create a flood so buyers know exactly what they’re getting into. He admits that the house is “a little clunky” because it was built in the 1930s. Because of this, he wants to focus more on the grounds, because that is what sets the house apart.

I hate the house, but you gave me caviar on a dock. I’ll take it! 

When taking the brokers through the house, Madison proves that math really isn’t his strong suit. Barely a minute after telling us that the house was built in the 1930s, he tells the brokers that it is an original 1923 house. 

Counting is hard.

Most of the brokers love the house, but are concerned about the price. They think it’s a little high for the amount of work that would have to be done on the house itself. Everyone agrees that the property itself is just beautiful. Now all they need is a buyer.

JF is meeting with everyone’s favorite grandmother, Grandma Edith!!!!! They’re discussing a trip they’ll be taking. JF will be going through several countries in Asia and then fly to Monte Carlo to meet Grandma Edith. JF fills his grandmother in on Gabby. He explains that she used to live in one of Grandma Edith’s old condos and is a fashion designer as well. At one point, Grandma Edith was the sixth largest clothing manufacturer in the nation. That is really crazy impressive. I can’t even snark on her at this point. I’m just in awe.

Grandma Edith goes on the tell JF how different the fashion world is today. She says that the clothes today are all about the tits. She then proceeds to repeat the word “tits” several times over the next minute. I love it! She apparently does not like fat chicks showing a bit of skin. “If you have a good body, then it’s very interesting. If you are a fat something, then it’s not so interesting.” Grandma Edith then makes a very sweet offer to help Gabby if she needs anything. 

No fat chicks.

Madison and John meet at the Malibu Inn. Madison is really stressed out right now. He found out that Heather will be co-listing with JA. I think it’s kind of funny that Madison refers to JA as a douche bag. Hey, kettle. The pot called for you earlier. He wanted me to tell you that you’re black. Just because I think Madison has some douchy tendencies, I don’t think he’s wrong for being pissed off. If you’re a part of a partnership, you need to let your partner know when you make a decision that affects both of you. Heather probably shouldn’t have agreed to co-list with JA without discussing it with Madison first.

I hate Heather because she’s making me defend this. 

Meanwhile, at JA’s house, Heather is home early. She’s on the couch sadly petting a dog. She had a rough day as well. Heather tells JA that she tried to explain to Madison that she didn’t go to the meeting with the intention of co-listing a place with JA. Madison apparently gave Heather an ultimatum. She had to pick between her relationship with JA or her business partnership with Madison. Now, I can see why Madison was pissed off because Heather went in on this deal without telling him about it. However, I don’t think he was right to bring her personal relationship into it. I would have an easier time defending Madison had he told Heather she had to choose between her partnership with him or her co-listing with JA. Ultimately, Madison fired Heather.

In a less dramatic scene, JF, Gabby, and Matt (Gabby’s gay husband) are looking at a house for Gabby to lease. They meet with Stefen, the broker, to take them through the house. This is another home with more toilets than I have rooms in my entire apartment. In fact, I’m pretty sure one of the bathrooms they showed is larger than my bedroom. Stefen explains that they’re asking $18,000 per month for this house, but the price is negotiable. The chandelier in the living area is shaking. Stefen blames it on the spirits in the house. The house also has a glass walkway that does have a weight limit, but Gabby would have nothing to worry about there. 

This is where Grandma Edith’s advice about fat people would come in handy.

Gabby loves the house, but she’d be scared at night. She doesn’t want to live with the ghosts that Stefen mentioned. Basically, Matt and Gabby both agree that the house just isn’t for her. I think this might be a contender for Casa de Gasmii. It’s just weird enough for all of us. We should make “Casa de Gasmii” into a reality show. Get the guys from the different “Million Dollar Listing” shows to find the weirdest and coolest houses they can for us!

Madison and Stella are meeting with David again. Stella didn’t get very good vibes from her ex husband when she spoke to him on the phone about the house. Madison interviews that most of the buyers are scared of all the work that has to be done to the house itself. At $1.65 million, no one wants to spend the money for renovations. When he tells David, he is visibly not happy to hear the news. Madison explains that they have to drop the price down. He can list it at no more than $1.3 million if he wants it to sell at all. David doesn’t want to lower the price even a cent from $1.65 million. Madison even tries to reason with him in Russian. He just won’t lower the price. In fact, we find out that David doesn’t want to sell the house at all because their kids love it. Between Heather and losing this listing, Madison is just a big ball of fail today. 

There is a very random segment where we see JF and Colton speaking with a nutritionist. They discuss JF’s cholesterol and weight and overall bad health. We learn that JF will let their dog pee in the house before he will walk her himself. That’s how much he hates to exercise. JF also considers a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon to be a vegetable. 

Well, at least the vegetable pizza will have something to keep it company. 

JA and Heather are on their way to show the penthouse to potential buyers. JA is worried about mixing business with pleasure. He recognizes that he’s not the easiest person to work with and hopes that Heather won’t kill him after today. Now, I know that the East Coast version of professional attire is probably very different from the West Coast version of professional attire, but I just want to slap some sense into Heather. Can someone who lives in CA possibly shed some light on this? Would a skirt that short and heels that high really be considered appropriate for business? I love a good high heel as much as the next woman. Hell, I have a few 5″ heels in my closet right now (I’m 5’2″, so they really only make me normal girl height). However, I don’t wear them to my job! I’d love some feedback here.

Oh, look. Heather is trying to sell herself again! 

The open house is going really well. And then Madison shows up. He wants to see if the property that ended his partnership with Heather was worth it. More importantly, he wants to see if Heather thinks it was worth it. We end with Heather asking a potential buyer to excuse her for a minute so she can talk to Madison.

It looks like the drama is just beginning. I have to know, are you on Team Heather or Team Madison in this whole situation? Who do you think was in the right? More importantly, would you be willing to participate in my new “Casa De Gasmii” reality show? I think it would be WAY better than a lot of what’s already on TV.